I may never have sex properly again and don't know how I feel about that

[SinnerFromPinner]

Impotence. Nasty thing. My poor dh has been suffering with it for years. He's tried various medications which have worked but it appears, as he gets older, it just gets worse.

We're on the last medication he can try now and the last couple of weeks, it's been very clear that it isn't working as well anymore. He's barely getting hard although he can still orgasm but with a completely soft penis.

I don't want to sound selfish but I have spent years being supportive and I kept believing that the medications would carry on working. I am obviously being totally supportive in real life but I just wanted a place to scream because I am quite worried and a bit upset .

Has anyone else had to deal with this? Obviously, I have namechanged.

oh crikey!

have you discussed your feelings with dh at all?

I think you are totally right to be supportive towards him in rl, but you need to also let him know that this affects you as well (obviously not blaming him, but talking about your feelings rather than his)

Could you chat to the doc about it?

yes, I've spoken to him. But he feels incredibly guilty about the whole thing. And when I air my feelings he always ends with 'oh we'll be alright won't we' and I feel I need to put a cheery face on it!

The doctor has said he can see another specialist but that's about it.

Is it the thought of "never again" which is upsetting you most?

Look how far medicine has come over the years, I would be a bit more hopeful tbh that they will find a medicine that will work.

Do you know what the cause of the impotence was?

I don't much about the subject but I would be upset too and i would hope there would be an answer to it.

Well done for being so supportive and ranting here instead.

I havent had sex for over 8 years now, because dh isn't interested.

You get used to it, is all I can say. You may even be able to convince yourself that you're happy with it. I did.

At least your husband wants things to change. He would like to have sex with you. That's good. That's bloody brilliant!! it is hopeful. you can work together.

And if, worst case scenario, you never manage penetrative sex again, you can still explore, together, different ways to be intimate that can make you both feel happy and loved.

There is the 'Pfizer Riser' - a sort of implant that allows hardness to be mechanically brought about. Don't ask me the ins and outs, I only used to do the stock counts in West London, but it definitely exists. Don't know what the proper name is. Sex might seem a bit artificial, but better then nothing or a dildo surely?

Yes, it's the never again that's getting me (aarrghhh!).

A lot of the tradition medicine for impotence he can't take as he has high blood pressure issues (and something to do with some stroke/heart condition that seems to run in his family) which has ruled out a lot of the ones that might have worked better

I'm not sure they know what the cause is. From what I understand, this can just happen.

I'm sure he knows I am frustrated. I keep thinking if something else had happened (like god forbid, some horrible car crash where he was maimed there), I would be more supportive and not so cross. I'm cross with myself too I think becuase I feel selfish for being cross iyswim

yes we looked at that thing (he hasn't had it fitted or anything, it was just displayed to him) mumsnut but he just couldn't get his head round it (so to speak!). Perhaps as time goes on, something like that might be more appealing to him.

I don;t think it is selfish to feel cross.

It may be different if you were openly "blaming" him, but you're not.

I think it is perfectly normal to feel cross, and hard done to, and cheated, and bloody frustrated!

I'm sorry hecate . How difficult for you.

why don't you just pretend he's been maimed there...might help?

Thanks. It feels good to air my feelings. I've kept it bottled up even though I've spoken to him about it. I have wanted to really scream a few times when I've been very very patient. I do feel very sorry for him because it must be horribly frustrating for him.

You need to go to counselling together to air your views about this - your feelings are entirely normal BTW and although he maybe upset about them he needs to hear them or the frustration will eat you up and not be good for your relationship.

Is the impotence a physical or psychological problem?

Second mumsnut - penile implants (that is how they are described on the funding requests I have seen) are the end of the treatment line as far as I know, so there is still something left to try if, as you say, he can get his head around it.

Being supportive is damn hard work. I don't think you are being selfish at all.

It's a physical problem. And I'm trying hard not to let any psychological factors (of his) affect it (though they must I guess, especially long term impotence like this).

I thought about counselling but if I said the truth, it would definitely hit him psychologically and would affect him even more. He's a very proud man which is making it far harder.

I feel for you. I've been going through the same thing, though we haven't tried ANY medicine yet. I'm just told that it's a cruel trick of nature that as men get older they lose interest, whereas women get more interested. And now my DH has heart trouble on top of his lack of interest. The perfect excuse never to have to even try to have sex again. No wonder he is so happy now.

Anyway, as the other poster said, you are lucky that yours has at least been trying. And maybe there still ARE more things you can try.

(btw may I ask your ages? you don't have to answer. I'm 42 and my DH is 47)

Hi Sylvia, yes dh late 40s. We have 3 children already so at least that has been done.

it took years for me to get him to see a doctor and when he did, it went very well. In fact, I meant to write to the doctor and thank him because dh spent such a long time worrying about it and the doctor was incredibly helpful and reassuring and wasn't embarrassed but very upfront which, I think, was just what dh needed.

I can understand that is a big hurdle for men. It's a shame because there is a lot that can be done for them.

I'm sorry your dh has lost interest. That must be very difficult. Has he said why he feels that way? The heart issue must complicate matters . I've found with dh's (not major at all) health problems that these all contribute. It's frustrating isn't it.

Do you think that no penetrative sex will mean a complete end to your sex life with your dh? Do you think you can continue indefinitely in a completly asexual relationship?

SinnerFromPinner - I was kind of hoping to manage to have one more - we only have one DD now.

It's very difficult for men. We went to the doctor once and she said DH should have a test for diabetes. But every time he went for the test something went wrong and they never got a result.

He just says that he is not interested and i just have to get used to it.

I'm trying to look at websites for celibacy, and read that sex is not really important, the media and our society just over-sexualise everything. But we don't really need it. There ARE people out there who are happy with asexual relationships. But I have to admit I feel as frustrated as you do.