argggh - i thought the nightmare of being treated like a freak was over!

[thisweathersajoke]

I am so angry. Angry and upset.
After a pregnancy where i was made to feel irresponsible, irritating, weak, disgusting and generally a drain on the resources of the NHS - for being overweight - now i am going through the feelings of SHAME when i see the health visitor about my beautiful son!!! Just enquiring about his weight (6mths) and whether he is on track etc is license enough for the HV to comment that i am 'not exactly the smallest lady in town', 'have you always been overweight' etc... 'do you give him puddings?', when he is actually right on track.

I am not thick or irresponsible, just overweight - i am educated and know all the dangers/risks/ cost implications of being this way - and i am dealing with it. The best way that i can.

My pregnancy was a nightmare simply because of my dealings with health professionals - my first apointment to confirm my pregnancy was the wake up call when i was told that couldn't have a water birth, had to go to my nearest city to have the baby (as i was a high risk mother) and probably would get diabetes etc - because of my weight. Coupled with an apointment to see the anaethatist at the 'big mum' clinic. The first but not the last appointment that where i was crying in the car park.
I think that the one where the male sonographer told me in front of my husband that i was too big too find a decent image of our DS was the worst. I wanted the ground to open up - was so looking forward to seeing the scan and to be treated like a freak when you are at your most vulnerable (stomach out. nice) was heartbreaking. Would have been such a special moment. BTW he was the only sonographer to have that problem.

I am big but we're not talking 60 ton son here, and I know that they are only looking out for me and DS - but empathy / compassion, being treated like an equal didn't figure. I think that its probably called prejudice.

I just wanted a pregnancy the same as every other mum. And now the shit goes on - the answer is i develop an ever thicker skin until the weight comes off.

I really am not generalising - just some of the experiences i had. Apologies if i offend anyone in the profession.

Has anyone here had these feelings or am i being paranoid?

That sounds really shitty! I'm sorry you had to go through that. I know it won't make you feel much better but medical staff are quite often quite unempathic on many levels.

I had two miscarriages commented on as 'oh well they were only first trimester', was told 'you high risk mums all think you know best' etc. etc. and frankly I developed a thick skin myself.

You work on you in your own time. Don't take their inability to recognise that you have a problem that you need help with, to mean anything other than that.

Sorry , that you have had and are still having such a dire experience.

I think that overweight people are definitely the target of prejudice, no doubt about it.

Try not to let it get you down!

Sorry to hear you've had such a tough time. Unfortunately some HVs feel an almost pathological need to comment negatively on any baby's weight. My ds1 was premature and small, and I often got comments when he was being weighed along the lines of "you do realise you have to feed him when he's hungry" etc etc. Ds2 and ds3 by contrast are enormous - 98th/95th centile - and while my HVs have been lovely both times, you do hear horror stories of mums being told their babies are overfed!

You don't need to have your ds weighed now he's 6m. TBH with ds1 I found the whole experience so upsetting I gave up after a couple of months, I was so sick of feeling that I was a failure at feeding my son. And I don't think it helped me establish breastfeeding to be constantly under pressure to do better.

ENJOY your ds, don't worry about what others think. You probably won't be able to change what they think about you, but you CAN change how much you let it upset you.

I would echo what others have said about HVs though - DS was early and started on the 25th centile and rocketed off the top of the chart within three months - in both height and weight. HV started to criticise my entirely breastfed son and I pointed out that while I could conceivably manage to overfeed him breastmilk, this would not explain his gargantuan height and actually any fool could see he was just larger than average. Hit back with facts if they criticise your child - you say your son is right on track. That's the end of the conversation right there - he's healthy, he's happy. Your health is actually none of the HVs damn business unless you choose to make it so.

Also be aware that HVs are there to help and they like to say something (however inane). Mine criticised my son's lack of socks (he kicked them off in the car). Never mind that he had a snuggle which covered them and the fact that it was a breezy august day .

Thank you all for your comments.

I just feel angry that i didn't say something to her at the time. I have been fighting a bit of depression recently and in the midst of that it was hard to even face going to the clinic sometimes.

Thankfully i am on the up now and although the comments bothered me, it hasn't sent me back down there.

thanks x

Oh, the amount of times I have walked away pissed off with myself for not vocalising my thoughts...it is annoying!

Glad you are on the up from depression!

You can always complain to the practice manager you know if you think a HV is making personal an unprofessional comments. Simply sitting there and replying calmly: 'would you like to take a moment to consider what you've just said' is often enough to make them aware that they are being really offensive. The thing is, you are obviously coping and recovering from your depression but someone on a downward path, faced with that sort of treatment might crumble.

TBH, (sadly) I'm not shocked at the way you have been treated - I have been both big and small and now after having my 2nd baby I am in between the two weights I have been, and people do treat you differently. Nobody (in my experience anyway) talks to you when you are bigger - and you don't get any comments from people that are nice - Just the "oh, well he's going to be big, you're not small yourself" type of comments. And how dare you eat one tiny piece of chocolate when you have been dieting all week... "you'll never lose the weight eating like that"

It used to really annoy me and upset me very deep down too (although I never showed it to anyone other than my husband). People don't realise how they can really hurt you with the things they say.

I've had terrible experiences with my health visitor - my doctors are fabulous, its just her - the usual "I know what I'm doing so I'll tell you" attitude, when in reality, she has no experience of it at all. I didn't bother going to clinic to get DS2 weighed at all, because my breastfeeding group has a fabulous HV there who does baby weighing. Apart from baby jabs, we don't bother going.

Try not to let it get you down.
If you want to lose the weight, you will - even if your baby was on the 98th centile, the weights are still in the "normal" (whatever that is) range. My first baby went up there and I was made to feel that because I was "big" and breastfeeding, then I was obviously eating high fat foods and "making my baby big too" - he is now 4 and is now way below the 50th centile. You can't win!

I have 2 and a half stone to lose now (not that much really) but just can't seem to have the willpower to do it - and the slightest comment from someone would just make me think, "sod you, I'll eat what I fecking well like!" My weight will come off again - I want it off by November, for our holiday, but in the meantime, what I weigh or eat is nobody's business but mine!

I don't think you are being paranoid at all
People do treat you differenty when you are bigger, than when you are smaller - I know because I have been both ends of it. And anybody who says it doesn't exist have never been big in my opinion.

Wishing you all the luck in the world to you and your beautiful son.

RedOnHerHead, I honestly could've written your post because I've also been big and small, and you're so right - there IS a difference in the way you get treated.

I was slim until I got pregnant with twins and my weight absolutely ballooned from day 1. I put on 5 stone and felt uncomfortable and embarrassed - suddenly it seemed to give people the right to talk to me like I was stupid. After my next (single) baby just over a year later I managed to lose all the weight and suddenly it was like I was worth talking to like an adult again!

And fat does not necessarily mean unfit. A few months after having ds2 I had to go and see the nurse at my GPs for a health check and after weighing me she tutted over my BMI (28 at that time), said hmm well I suppose you've just had 3 babies in less than 2 years, and then told me I might like to consider taking some exercise such as gentle walking 3 to 5 times a week. She looked a bit shocked when I told her I'd just run a half marathon two weeks before ....

My weight is now back on its way down again after just having ds3, and I have to admit it - no matter what anyone says life IS easier when you're slim. I wish you all the best in losing that couple of stone - it will happen!

oh thisweather, it makes me so mad. Just because if you are overweight people can see what you have an issue with they feel they have a right to say all sorts of things! Lots of people have problems way more dangerous but you can not see by looking at them! I am quite a big girl and received lots of negative comments from one particular midwife when I was pregnant with DD2. There was nothing helpful in what she said just hurtful!

People in the caring profession are supposed to be...... umm caring!

Good Luck with your baby.