has anyone ever been to an al-anon meeting? i have some questions.

[mamalovesmincepiesANDmojitos]

i just exploded with rage at xp, ashamedly in front of dd. she is not used to it and thought it was kind of funny at first.

i am so angry i can't breathe. i think maybe i need to talk to someone who understands. he is a recovering alcoholic.

there is an al-anon meeting near me tonight. however i don't know if i should go. i don't want to talk to a group. i'm not in a relationship with him anymore. and it says it is a 'step' meeting. what is that?

any info or advice greatly appreciated.

Hi there,
I used to go to Al-Anon meetings when my, now deceased, alcoholic father was alive (and for a short time after).
I found that they did me a lot of good, but can appreciate that they are not for everyone.
Al-Anon follows the same '12 Step' principles that Alcoholics Alcoholics anonymous use and the focus is not on trying to 'fix' the alcoholic but to acknowledge and understand that living with an alcoholic can have profound effects on our own behaviour and reactions, none of which tend to be very constructive. So it is really all about self-development and growth and learning to accept and detach from the alcoholics behaviour whether they are still drinking or not.
You will not be expected to speak in a group meeting, in fact most newcomers tend to sit in the background and listen to what others are saying. Al-Anon members are very strict on being non-judgemental and do not offer advice, just relate their own experiences, both positive and negative, that they hope others may empathise with. The 'Anon' part is very important and nothing is repeated outside the meeting, as the point is to provide a safe and welcoming place to express your fears and hurts and hopefully overcome them.
You will hear, in the opening and closing speeches, and maybe in the discussions, too, references to 'God' and a 'Higher Power'. If this is not your bag, don't be put off - it is not a religious meeting in any form, it is just the choice of some members to put their trust in an entity beyond themselves to aid their recovery.
I was a very different person before I started attending the meetings, and utterly terrified at the first one I attended, however I truly believe that Al-Anon changed me for the better. I made some very good friends amongst people who truly understood how it feels to have an alcoholic in my life and shared many tears, and a lot of laughter with these people who showed such strength in times of sometimes great adversity.
I'm truly sorry that you have had to go through what you have and hope Al-Anon works for you. The fact that you are accepting some responsibility for your behaviour, instead of just blaming ExP, leads me to beleive that you might already be on the road to your own personal recovery.
Good luck xx

god i'm a tough girl sometimes but your post made me cry! thank you very much. it's so nice to have someone be nice.

i feel a bit silly sometimes now that we are broken up, but we do share a child, and he is in my life. i went for some personal counselling in the past which was great.

i enabled his drinking for a few years which i feel terrible about. from when i was pregnant i accepted very bad treatment from him but kept it a secret as i was ashamed. i didn't want to be a single parent. i didn't know he was an alcoholic. i was very young.

he is sober six months now but around the same time that started i lost all my patience with him. he was very manipulative and i allowed him to take so much from me.

i really want us to have a good, genuine relationship. but i know he is busy with his own recovery. sometimes he mentions what his recovering friends have suggested about me, some awful things for instance that i resent him being sober and getting his life together. i feel ganged up on by people i dont know and that i can't stand up for myself. it is extra insulting as i put so much time and energy into trying to help him.

you paint a positive picture of the meetings so maybe i should try it. i'm afraid of what he would say if he knew i was going though.

i'm sorry your father has passed away, i hope you're at peace with him.

happy new year.

My dad died just over 10 years ago, and thanks to Al-Anon I was able to grieve for him properly instead of dancing on his grave before collapsing into a heap of self-destructive issues.
You really do sound ready to deal with your problems, and it doesn't matter that you're not living with him any more - if his drinking is - or has been - affecting you then they will welcome you with open arms.
As I said, acknowledging your contribution to your own feelings is a big step - it was so frustrating and saddening seeing newcomers enter our meetings expecting us to 'make it all go away'. No-one can do that, even when the drinker is in recovery they leave a lot of fallout behind.
Your exP's recovering friends may well be right about you, and, if they have any sense will celebrate your decision to deal with your own issues. Even if you don't think ExP will approve, you don't have to tell him, and no other group members will either. Many of my friends could never tell their partners they were attending Al-Anon for fear of their partners' reactions. People would turn up in gym-kit so that they had an excuse to get out of the house.
How old is your DC - there are AlaTeen meetings for 13-18 yrs olds too if they need it.
Anyway, as I said, I really wish you well.
Let me know how you get on and feel free to vent here.

dd is only four, five in a few weeks. the drinking years were very short. assuming xp never drinks again. i can't imagine how emotionally exhausting and horrific it must be to live in that situation for a long time.

but the fallout is huge, not least because we had such a nasty breakup. i felt so hurt on three levels: as a girlfriend, as a co-parent and as a friend. and now i'm expected to just get on with it and forget it ever happened.

it's true he's sober but i don't think he's really 'healed' iykwim. maybe it's me, i'm just finding it very difficult to heal. my heart is smashed, all my dreams of our family gone.

all in all, we're all healthy so it's silly to complain, i just want to make sure i let it all go so i can be the best possible mother to dd and friend to xp. i actually sit down sometimes and think about the last few years and am shocked at the way he treated us. i get so angry.

got too nervous to go to the meeting tonight, i'll see how i feel in the next few days/weeks.

thanks so much for posting, it has been such a help to me.

Hello, can I join you here? Am going to my first Al-anon meeting tomorrow night. In a bit of a daze about it, I think.
(I started another thread similar to yours.)

Have you looked at any sites about co-dependency? It really made me sit up and think about myself in the midst of my dad's and DH's alcohol issues.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do Mana.

hi takingitslowly. welcome!

good luck tomorrow night. you must be nervous but it sounds like a great step. i chickened out.

i didn't see your thread, sorry. had a quick look for threads on the subject.

i was diagnosed as displaying co-dependant behaviour/actually co-dependant by my counsellor which was very upsetting but think i have climbed out of that now.

is your dh drinking all the time or recovering?

Hi Mama, how are you feeling now - know it was a couple of days since you first posted.

Quick background - My dad was an alcoholic and died of oesophagal cancer last year, which am fairly sure was related to his drinking.

My DH, well, he drinks most nights, not huge amounts but it bothers me massively - particularly healthwise and given how my dad died.

So called up Al-anon who felt I would prob find the meeting beneficial. Just feel so down and angry and confused. To be honest, I'm apprehensive but also looking forward to going.

By the wanted, Aphrodite, just wanted to say I also found your info really helpful - thanks!

Mama, forgot to ask, are you still seeing your counsellor?

aphrodite's posts were so helpful and considerate, weren't they?

takingitslowly i'm sorry to hear of your father's death.

that's terrible re your dh. has he admitted he is an alcoholic? is it that he has a problem yet never breaks out enough for you to pinpoint it?

it was easy with xp as he used to disappear for days, also abusing drugs, so it was clear how much it was affecting his and dd's life. it was a hugely dramatic mess.

maybe your dh thinks he's 'getting away with it' if he doesn't binge like that. however as i'm sure you know it seems that people can be sober for months and still alcoholics. i'm still learning about the disease every day though, so if i say something ignorant forgive me.

i hope you find the meeting helpful. are you going to stay in a relationship with him and work through it or is your relationship strained? i was advised to shut the door in every sense to xp but his behaviour sounds quite different to your dh's.

so good to read that you are reaching out for help, you are very brave. i know it is difficult to be an alcoholic but it is difficult to watch someone you love destroying themselves too. it's the worst.

keep posting and i will too. x.

hello mama thanks for yr kind words. Am sorry to hear all you've been through too - you must be so mixed up by it all as well.

DH doesn't think he's an alcoholic at all. He thinks he needs to cut it down a bit and get healthier. He is a good dad, does loads around house and has good job. So sometimes I wonder if I'm exaggerating the problem - but othertimes I'm sure its not right. Don't know if I will leave tbh. Want to find out more about al anon and guess dig deeper into why I have involved myself with another drinker first

Will keep you posted on how tonight goes.

Did you say you split up before his recovery or after?

hi!

we split up before recovery. its a long story but we broke up because of his drinking and when we broke up he completely lost control and got much worse.

if he had entered recovery before we broke up i think we'd still be together- but it didn't happen that way.

i think with the fact that you sense something is wrong with your dh is key. i actually had the first truthful conversation with xp in over two years last night. we were trying to work out how we didn't know he was an addict earlier. we both agreed that deep down we knew something was very wrong but neither of us had the bravery, knowledge or maturity to explore that.

i'm not seeing my counsellor anymore. i should go back or go to alanon. i have so many questions and i find it hard to let go of the pain sometimes.

your dh may never lose complete control but you're right to pay attention to your instincts. i hope the meeting goes well. does he know that you are going?

Sounds there is so much hurt in the past. You aren't expected to just move on and forget about it - although guess it feels that way. I just read a good book about al anon - maybe it would help you decide if it could help?

Yes dh knows I'm going tonight and is ok with it. He knows I have issued with his drinking and my dads so guess he thinks it will help me get my head around the whole thing. Still doesn't think he has a problem though!

Hi,
Just checking in to wish everyone good luck. Have just signed up for CAT if you want to get in touch privately.

thanks AphroditeInHerNightie. you are so helpful. i'm not signed up for CAT but i'll look into how to do it.

Takingitslowly how are you?