Advice Needed Please (sorry long post)

[mariemarie]

I am worried about my brother and would appreciate some advice on what to do please.

He has been such a happy laid back person all his life and everything has pretty much fallen into place for him. He is happily married with 2 young children.

About 6mths ago he and his wife sold their house and bought a property that required an immense amount of work that will take almost a year to complete. My brother is in the building trade and so has been doing much of this himself at weekends and evenings in order to keep costs down.

However, its taken its toll on him and he looks terrible. About a week ago he has broken down and confessed that its all too much and he cannot cope. We are from a very close family and everyone is rallying round trying to help as much as possible. My parents have even offered him money to pay someone to finish the house for him.

However, he is racked with guilt about hardly seeing his children due to the amount of time he is spending on the house and also now he is tormented about the amount of worry he is causing us all. He is regretting taking this project on because he has now got a huge mortgage and he cannot beleive that he gave up a lovely home which was virtually mortgage free.

We have all tried to reassure him we are there for him and we are trying to get him to think more positive but each time his is breaking down in front of us.

His wife has rang me this week (we get on very well) and is seriously worried about his state of mind and doesnt think he should be left alone. He has since admitted to me that if it wasnt for his children he would just end it all.

Incidentally, he went to the doctors (with his wife) about 2 weeks ago and they have prescribed mild sleeping tablets but have advised against anti-deppressants because the problem is that he is exhausted and stressed about the house and they have suggested he sorts the problem in order to sort his state of mind.

Sorry this post is so long, thank you for reading. Any advice would be desperately welcome.

I am surprised they didn't prescribe ads to get him through the next few months. The house may have caused his depression and stress, but it is real depression/anxiety and would respond to medication. The meds would probably help him be well enought to get on a bit.

I can really identify with his difficulties.

We are currently selling becasue the stress adn strain of renovating out house has taken it's toll on out mental and physical health. Fortunately we haven't been as bad as your poor brother.

I really think you should try to get him back to the GP. Try someone else who may be more sympathetic - some of them have no ides! If he is unable to cope, he needs proper help to get back on an even keel.

Can the house be lived in or are they living elsewhere ?

Thanks for the replies girls.

When he went to the doctors a couple of weeks ago he wasnt this bad. He has rapidly gone worse in the last 2 weeks.

I have been on the internet tonight searching for symptoms and things relating to depression (obvious as it may sound) and am 100% convinced he has it.

Ive spoken to his wife tonight and she is going back to the doctors with him on Monday and they are going to tell the doctor everthing. Ive just spoken to my mum and she is so upset at seeing him in this state, he has told her that he would cut his right arm off just to be able to return to his old house and have no worries. He was crying and asking my mum to hold him. It is so devasting for my mum to see him like this.

Countingto10 - the house cant be lived in just yet, its going to be another 8weeks or so before thats possible.

Have they got the money to finish the house or can they borrow it cheaply as I assume they are in effect paying for two houses ie renting one and paying a mortgage on the new one ?My DH has been very stressed/depressed with money worries with running own business, massive mortgage and borrowings. He was very ill last year with pneumonia caused by the stress and worry. In the end the only way he got better was by dealing with the things causing the stress ie money worries, business etc. I went to help him with the business (previously SAHM with 4 dc) which wasn't easy but it took the pressure off him. I also allowed him to borrow heavily against the house to pay off a very demanding creditor who was threatening his business, again, not ideal but it relieved that stress.

What I am trying to say is that realistic solutions need to be found for the cause of the stress otherwise he will find it hard to move forward. At least he is admitting he is not coping - it took my DH becoming really ill before he let on what was really happening.Hope things improve for him.

countingto10 - I'm glad your DH has been able to get better from this kind of situation. Its encouraging to know that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

What you have said about taking the pressure off by dealing with the things that are causing the stress totally makes sense and is kind of what the docs said 2 weeks ago.

Money is tight for them but they have enough in the bank to finish the house (only just). My parents have offered to give them the money to pay for someone to finish the house for them but its a case of convincing my brother that this is going to have to be the way forward. He is still refusing to give up but everyone except him can see that there is no way he can continue with it.

He cant concentrate long enough to do anything in the house and is spending hours there with nothing to show for it.

Thank you for your advice, its really appreciated, I have no experience of this at all.