Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

General health

Mumsnet doesn't verify the qualifications of users. If you have medical concerns, please consult a healthcare professional.

Flip

Original poster

My Mum would rather I was thin with an eating disorder than fat without one

15 replies

FlowChart · 14/12/2008 21:08

My mum "struggles" with her weight, but is underweight with a BMI of under 20. Many years ago, I weighed 6st 4lb at 5'4". I was bulimic at that time. I was skeletal but my Mum thought I looked fabulous. (So did I, at that time) She knew I had bulimia - she found me throwing up once - I was embarrassed and looking for support but she just said that we all had to to what was necessary. When I was PG the bulimia had to stop, but the binging continued. This went on through 3 PGs and subsequent BF for a year each time. I was determined that I would never be bulimic again.
After the PGs I weighed 16.5 stones and had a BMI that was bordering on MORBIDLY OBESE! My Mum nagged and nagged me to lose weight, purportedly due to health reasons, but really 'cos she was embarrassed to be seen with me. I eventually told her to mind her own business and to stop asking me about my weight. I had to tell her I would stop seeing her if she wouldn't leave it alone. Left to my own devices, I have lost 5st 2lb, leaving me at 11st 5lb. This is all on my own, with no puking. My BMI is still in the "overweight" band, but considering where it was, I think I am doing OK. Still slowly losing weight, on my own terms.
However, My Mum thinks this is not enough - she keeps telling me how "good" I looked when I was really skinny. I tell her that this was as a result of an eating disorder - not good, in my opinion. Also, this would mean me losing another 5 stones by means of chucking my lunch every day. She says that is the perfect way to lose weight. I am not aiming at her choice of ideal weight any more - I would like to lose another stone, at my pace. It is really difficult, but I refuse to be dominated by this mad dieter any more.
Support me, please.

OP posts:

reindeercantdancethetango · 14/12/2008 21:11

Im an ex bulimic and anorexic.

Do not listen to her. You know better, if you need to then speak to b-eat, used to be the EDA they will have all the facts on what damage throwing up does just to remind you.

Well done you losing weight without vom thats fantastic. You are living a healthy lifestyle now meaning you will be around for as long as possible for your children

TheProvincialLady · 14/12/2008 21:14

What you have achieved is marvellous - and I don't mean the weight loss, but the sensible mindset that says you need to be a healthy weight for you by eating a healthy diet. Good for you, I really admire you.

I don't think you will ever change your mum's mindset. She sounds like she has a deeply entrenched problem. All you can do is insist she stop talking about weight and size to you, and refuse to enter into any discussion whatsoever.

PortAndStilton · 14/12/2008 21:15

I think you may need to cut/seriously reduce contact with her. She clearly has some significant issues. Do you think she's likely to start this crap with your DCs as they get older? That's something to be prepared for.

Well done on losing that much via the slow and steady route -- you should be very proud of yourself, especially given your history.

Original poster

FlowChart · 14/12/2008 21:18

Thank you reindeer, it is really good to hear from someone that used to be there. I just cannot believe thin-ness is more imprtant to my Mum than my health. Maybe my Mum has an undiagnosed eating disorder (she is 77yrs today, probably a bit late?)

OP posts:

MadamDeathstarOverBethlehem · 14/12/2008 21:21

I echo what the other posters have said. I am impressed that you have such a healthy attitude, given what messages your mother must have been giving you as you were growing up.

I am of the opinion that people of any size can look beautiful if they are healthy. Extreme dieting does not lead to good health.

Please keep up what you are doing. You are an inspiration to others. Ignore what your mother is saying and take the TheProvincialLady's advise and refuse to discuss it with her any more.

lou031205 · 14/12/2008 21:30

Flowchart, I have no experience of eating disorders personally, although I used to be accused of them regularly when younger. However I did have a friend who was an unnatural size 8 by virtue of 1 ryvita per day, actively encouraged by her mother, who was a model in her earlier years.

I may be speaking out of turn, but I would imagine that anyone who is battling an eating disorder and on the way up, would see you as a true inspiration for their future.

JumpingJellyfish · 14/12/2008 21:30

I have a Mum a bit like yours. She is quite obsessed about weight. Both my sister and I had forms of eating disorders while teenagers and my sister still has (she's just under 8stone, 5'7"). Me on the other hand ended up using food for comfort a lot in my early twenties and only managed to get that under control by lots of exercise. Since having DCs I've struggled to keep weight off and know how my Mum notices as she always comments on how "good" I look (or not as it is mostly)- and that's always related to my weight. She incidentally always thinks my sister looks normal and great (when in fact she's far too skinny).

Ignore your mum (I live in a different country now, which helps a lot!!)- you have done fantastically to get your weight to where it is, and doing it the sensible, healthy way. I'm sure if you keep going like that gradually you could lose the next stone but never put yourself under pressure to do so. I am sure you look great- and a hell of a lot healthier than a bulimic.

It took me a long time to realise my Mum is living a lot of her "issues" (e.g. self-esteem etc.) through us, and we don't need that burden.

Good luck xx

Original poster

FlowChart · 14/12/2008 21:33

PortandStilton - good point about the DC's, especially the DD's. Problem is she's quite elderly - 77 today. Re the DC's - I have a DD who has just had her 2nd child and has some post-natal chubbiness. My Mum keeps on at me - you should speak to XX about how fat she is - she really ought to lose it if she wants to keep her husband - shall I ring her and give her some diet tips? At this point I risked REALLY falling out with her and told her that I would NEVER SPEAK TO HER AGAIN if she ever did this - AND I MEAN IT. My relationship with my eldest DD is precious and not to be interfered with by her and her pernicious stuff. My eating disorder came from her. I will NEVER allow it to pervade future generations.

OP posts:

constancereader · 14/12/2008 21:34

You have done so well. I really admire you for what you have achieved. I don't have any advice, sorry, just wanted to add my support.

Don't listen to her. I am sorry you have no support from the one person you have the unconditional right to have support from - but take comfort from the fact that your children have you instead.

Original poster

FlowChart · 14/12/2008 21:44

Thanks to all for your support. Apart from the "Oh my God I've got a fat daughter and a fat granddaughter" thing, this post has made me realise that my DM has fucked messed up my life big time. I still love her

OP posts:

Original poster

FlowChart · 14/12/2008 22:02

reindeer, are you still on this thread - think I wan anorexic and bulimic too - would not eat for as long as I could, then eat to fill the aching, unfillable void within me, then eat to bursting, then drink loads of water, then upchuck successfully, quite quietly, without anyone knowing? Was it like that for you?

OP posts:

Original poster

FlowChart · 14/12/2008 22:35

JumpimgJellyfish - thanks muchly. Yes, we would like to be in a different country - yes, we will take my mad Mum with us. We are going to have an organic smallholdimg in France eventually. Our dream, yes, my Mum, not part of the dream, but we have to make room for her

OP posts:

bellabelly · 14/12/2008 22:38

You are doing all the right things, well done for overcoming your eating disorders. I have had similar issues in the past and it is very hard to sort your head out. Your mother sounds like she has similar issues tbh - but they are HER issues, please don't let her words affect you or bring you down. You say you are still continuing to lose weight slowly and without slipping back ito your old ways. That is briliant news. Being able to ENJOY food and not letting it take over your life is so important.

My guess is that your weight will plateau and stabilise when you reach a healthy weight for YOUR body. Try not to worry too much about the weight charts, they are for guidance only and if you feel good and like what you see in the mirror, then that is right for you. You are doing so well, please don't let these comments get to you.

ALovelySongbirdInaPearTree · 14/12/2008 22:44

flow chart sorry shes such a nut job.
far better to be a healthy weight than bulimic
i think i want to whack her if i was you.
good job theres other much wiser people on here to listen to though otherthan little old me

well done and good luck

reindeercantdancethetango · 14/12/2008 22:55

FC - I would do what you described yes. Also was addicted to lax. But before that I would hardly eat at all and a binge was...one mini choc bar then over time it got bigger amounts and so started vom/lax. Was very ill while at school.

Your mum does sound like she has some very serious issues. Hope you continue to do well if you ever need a chat im here.

Flip