Ex Partner and family smoke around our daughter (3) (sorry,long ish post but need advice pls)

[KarisTiasMum]

DH and I have noticed that DD almost always come back from her Fathers with a cough.
I am furious, Its taken until now that i can see it is a really clear pattern, and she was up all night last night coughing after visiting her dad for the weekend.
Whether they smoke in the house when she is there or not is not the point, they no doubt do as soon as she leaves or just before she comes.
BUT worst of all, DD is now saying that EX smokes in his room when DD is down stairs!!! this is the room she sleeps in!!
I have a GP appointment for her today, if i can get them to be clear what is causing it then I am going to have to say something..

We are currently going through solicitors at the moment RE EX's access, as he has been increasingly difficult and unreliable so we are putting a strict structure in place now, do you think this is something that should be talked about throught them or to call him straight away?!

There are a lot of people in his house and i think they all smoke so the house is probably grim... is it my place to say!? do i stop her going until something is done!? is it my place to decide how he parents her when she is there!?!?

I know what i want to do...!

Karis - could you tell your xp about dd's cough, and mention that you have taken her to the doctor? I'm sure that if you mention the smoky house to the gp he/she will say that it won't be doing your dd any good and could be making her ill - and you could pass that info onto your xp.

Then I guess you'd have to wait and see if things change - and if they don't, then you could look at restricting access more. I don't have any personal experience of divorce and access, but I cannot believe that the courts would support a father whose behaviour was making his child ill.

Good luck with this - I can understand what a worry it is for you.

Given that every employee in the UK has the right to a smoke free environment, I think it is entirely reasonable that your child should not be exposed to a smokey house. Do her clothes smell etc? Whether people are actually smoking near her, or just failing to stop smoking in it /air it properly before she arrives, is irrelevant. Both can have a detrimental effect on her.

I do imagine however that if you are already dealing with solicitors on this that your exP is unlikely to comply with your wishes on this (TBH, the mind boggles about who would smoke around children - if he does it in the first place/has friends/family that do, I can't imagine they are the type of people who are just going to stop because you ask them to). You could give it a go with a polite request, but would imagine that in reality it will need to be dealt with as a legal requirement of the terms of his access. Sad.

thanks sunny, I am really worried.. i dont smoke myself but if i did i certainly would not rope my daughter into it. Some people sneak into their garden when their kids are in bed or whatever and that is relatively harmless but this is just so serious now.. its having a really obvious effect on her and once or twice she has even come home smelling of smoke!!
I really dont want her to go there, I', responsible for her and her health and I should be keeping her away from environments like that!!

sadly, they are not the type of people who are just going to comply. I think it is fair to say they are the the stereotypical type of family who WOULD smoke in front if their children.. and you may wonder why on earth i got involved with them.. I was very young, and irresponsible and a completely different person then.
I'm the opposite to them.. and its becoming very painful to even send her there for a visit because as turnip said, DD has the right to clean air and a protected upbringing.. she should not even know what smoking is! but she knows her dad does it and does it in his bedroom.. it awful to even her her speak about it.. she is soo smart, this should not be normality for her.

I'm in almost exactly the same situation with my ds. His father refuses to stop smoking around him (he is claiming he isn't yet ds says otherwise).
However, I have a flow meter for him and keep a record of that all the time.
I have had a doctors report done, which was inconclusive, cafcass and a specialists report (£500)to tell us it is detrimental to ds' health.
I go back to court soon to find out how he plans to respond.

If talking to your ex doesn't help, you need to start taking her to the doctor everytime so they have a record. Make a note of any time she has off school etc. Get a flow meter then show him what it is doing to her, hopefully your ex will take note. He can't be as unreasonable as my ex one would hope!

I should add that ds has asthma that is only ever triggered by his dads smoking.

thanks cuddly, that was very helpful in the way that you are taking the same actions i think i will take. I dont really think there is room for flexibility with this, it really is so wrong and dd is only 3!
How old is your ds, did he always suffer from asthma? asthma runs in our family too so DD has a really high chance from suffering from it too.. I really dont want it made worse by his irresponsible behaviour.

DS is 9. He was hospitalised twice as a baby with low blood oxygen levels. He was diagnosed then with asthma.
However, I have since discovered that he is not triggered by cats, dogs, ponies, harvesting in fields near the house, my slatternly ways re: dusting or anything else that I could possibly think of so really it is just an allergy to smoke.

His flow when he is with me is around the 270 - 300 mark. After a weekend with his father it drops as low as 140 - 170.

As someone else pointed out, employees are now protected so why arent our kids?