I am depressed as well - feel as if my world is crashing down around my ears

[anonymous]

Hi
This is going to seem very self-absorbed, but please allow me to list all the reasons I am not feeling happy, even writing them down might help resolve some of them.

1. I have not slept properly at night for 15 months now (since ds's birth).
2. Dh and I are not getting on well. I certainly don't think that he loves me.
3. I have lost two friends (the friendship is over) that I saw regularly for the first year after ds was born - it looks like a third friendship is also on the skids.
4. I find my mother difficult to get on with, also, she has cancer.
5. My MIL might be staying with us next week. In many ways she is great but when she stays here she sometimes does or says things which make me feel unimportant and inadequate.
6. I think I am a difficult person to get on with who tends to sulk if something goes wrong. This is one of the reasons I don't have a huge number of friends. In fact I sometimes wonder if I have any.
7. I am 34 but think I look haggard and unhappy. I was shocked when I saw the photos of ds's birthday party. I think at the base of it all I have an inferiority complex which I have carried around with me for years. My ds is absolutely wonderful, but I actually find myself being jealous of how much people like him and how easy he finds it to be so free and likeable. Today I felt tearful because I am so tired. This evening dh and I argued briefly and I was crying as I carried ds upstairs to bed. I was so involved in my own thoughts that as I carried him across the bedroom it took me a while longer than usual (a few seconds) to realise that he was uncomfortable the way I was holding him - I don't want to be so depressed that I am not aware of him! (up to now that hasn't happened). I could go into all the points in a lot more detail...

Also, I think I am a little possessive of ds's care (not with dh but with other people like my mother whom I find overbearing)... I have been called a control freak by various people. I can think of one or two likeable points about me but not many...

Do you think you could be depressed? Low self esteem is a symptom of it. I have felt exactly the way you describe, and still do most of the time. I know it sounds a bit patronising, but do you go to any M & T groups, or get out and meet new people? I have made some friends at M & T group, and one I see fairly regularly. There are three who go together, who I really like, and am considering asking for a girls' night out. This time last year, I was LONELY, and thought that I would never make any new friends. The two that I did see were 'once a month' friends. I used to drive places in my car just to get out of the house.

Now I am busy nearly every day. I have a job finding time to do the shopping! Even if it is a coffee in town, or a quick visit to the zoo, you need to get out of the house. Start talking to other mums that you see in shops with children, even if you only ask the age of their child. It gives you a lift to have an interactive chat with someone.

I am sure that your dh loves you. If his mum is coming to stay, ask her to have your ds for the day, and book a pamper at the local salon. Or, meet a friend for a gossip. Or, buy a cheap book, and read it in the bath for two hours. You get my drift. If sge is there, make use of her.

Are you totally sure that your friendships are over? If not, try ringing them, and tell them how you have been feeling. Make an effort with them, and they might return the compliment. The trouble with feeling the way you do is that you become self-absorbed. I am not having a dig, as I have been there. Everything was happening to me, and I was so hard done by!

Finally, 15 months of not sleeping is enough to make anyone miserable. I had eight months of it, and was a wreck, so I can totally sympathise with you. Perhaps you could book a night away in the local Travel Inn while your MIL is here, and have a good night's sleep? It is really not a bad idea!

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Anonymous,

I felt axactly as you do 2 and a half years ago when Ds was a baby. I found it hard to hope and thought that the owrld hated me.

Like you over the course of a year I lost my best friend. She couldn't cope with my PND, she had a child about the same age and she seem to me to be great and the mother bit, I was struggling and needed help, but unfortunately not from her. I did over this period get a lot closer to some friends once I had explained to them why the big change, they were relieved and really helpful. Is there anyway you could explain this to some other friends.

Do not feel bad about being wrapped up in your own thoughts because that is what happens with depression.

Have to spoken to your doctor/health visitor, if you are feeling like this more often than not then you really need to go and see someone. They might give lots of helpful advice or suggest Ad's.

I took ad's and have been off them for a while now, they really made the difference to me, I had PND really bad and got to the point of giving up completely (if you know what I mean), but now I feel so much better, enjoying my son again (which I didn't before) and slowly getting the old me back.

I am sure your DH loves you, I thought my DH didn't love me anymore as well, it is just hard for someone to see the person that they love going through this, and lets face it they feel hopeless because there is nothig that they can do at times.

Without wanting to sound like a broken record, if you want to chat more one to one, just ask tech to send me your email address and I would be happy to talk to you.

Take care

Hi Anonymous

You say you have one or two likeable points - I don't know you, but I KNOW you will have many more likeable points - KEEP THINKING ABOUT THEM. Sometimes when things get too much we do tend to become overwhelmed with the negative & forget the good things, but good things are there. You haven't been sleeping well for 15 months - not many people would find that easy. Friends can come & go - new friends are on the horizon (the fact that you've had /have friends shows that you CAN make friends)....this is something I have to keep reminded myself - I find making & keeping friends very hard and instead of the happy circle of friends with new babies that I imagined I would have, I don't see anyone ...I now meet a few other mums at a local mums & toddlers group. If you don't go to any it may be worth giving it a go. Don't be too hard on yourself - you are an important person and it doesn't matter if you feel self absorbed.....give yourself the credit that you have a happy easygoing ds who is well liked. Maybe a chat with your health visitor would help, as well as a change of scenery, perhaps get MIL to babysit & go to the pics.

I really hope you feel better soon.....I think so many of us can relate to you as unhappiness/depression will strike at some point. Writing things down is something I tend to do when I'm unhappy, so if it helps you keep writing, even if it's on the message boards - there will always be sympathetic ears on hand.

Dear Anonymous,

I'm afraid I can't offer much advice (at least nothing different from what's already been given), but you have all my sympathy. Since dd was born (22 months ago) I've had periods like yours and it's just so easy to slip into depression when you're looking after another human being and feel lonely.
As the others have said it's very important that you find time for youeself and your dh, make the most of your mil visit!

good luck

many many sympathies as confusious one said " lifes a bitch and then you die" - as my husband says " lifes a bitch and then you marry one"

i posted on another thread that i was feeling depressed - if you want to rant and rave or want someone to talk to please mail me [email protected]

know what you mean about the friends bit, have come the the point in my life where i explain to myslef the lack of a great cirlce of friends due to my being very chosey over who becomes my friend!! in real life i am dificult to get to know, a bit strange - or a lot strange depending on how well you know me. hubby however can make friends so easily it makes me puke.

remember this

kylie minogue looks like a donkey - she might have a great arse but if she was in a long term relationship her husband wouldnt wake up looking at her arse every morning would he? and if he did he would be a strange person

no matter how awfull you think you are remember kylie has to have her backing dancers with pink plastic over their faces in case on of them is better looking than she is - which wouldnt be hard now would it ...all together now.............eeeeeeeeeehaaaaaaaawwwwww eeeee haw

hope things get better

love lisa

Dear Anonymous

What has happened with your friendships to end them ? I think you should give yourself a break. It's hard work being a mum and sleep deprivation is the worst for depression. It sounds like you need some time out, preferably with dh, maybe dinner or something ? And also to catch up on some sleep would be good, as has already been suggested if, MIL is staying, take advantage of it if you can and use her to babysit so you can catch up on some sleep.

You shouldn't feel bad about being wrapped up in your own thoughts. It's totally normal, especially if you are in a rut and cant get out. Everyone has there bad points, one of your great points is you can see your bad points, many cant. Don't be so harsh on yourself and blame yourself for the break up of friendships, what happened here ?

Regarding your mother, that is very sad. It must be very hard for you to deal with her illness and also if you don't get on. Mothers are strange things, mine is wonderful but I still feel slightly affronted if she criticises things and makes me feel inadequate which she can sometimes do without meaning it. Has something happened with your mum to make the relationship deteriorate or have you just never got on ?

I am sure dh does love you lots. You need to take some time for the two of you. Go out and have some time away from your home environment and all the stresses.

Cheer up. Hope you are ok. Lots of hugs.

anonymous, there's some very good advice on here already. I feel you need to be kind to yourself and give yourself a break. many of us have put ourselves last (dd/ds first, dh then you at the bottom) because we're much more skilled at looking after others than ourselves, and we prevent others from doing eg the childcare because it's 'easier' to do it than explain to someone else how we'd like it done (or - horror - be let down when they do it 'wrong'. you do sound very very low - and obviously the people around you are going to pick up on that. do something nice for yourself like get your hair done which will also improve how you feel about your appearance and then try say just smiling at someone on the bus! (I did on the tube this morning, but I think you can get away with lots when you're pregnant! )
do try to see a professional about how you're feeling as it's hard to see a way out on your own. good luck, x

Hi

I'm a new poster to mumsnet so hello everybody.

I've also suffered with PND since the birth of my ds (now aged 3 and a half.) I have improved on the whole but still tend to have off days/weeks which has been a big strain on my relationship. Its a vicious circle - on bad days I feel crap at everything, a bad parent, ugly, like I haven't achieved a thing and then when I start to feel better I feel guilty about how my moods are affecting family life. On the plus side I have many good days, and I have alot more 'get up and go' than I did with the depression originally when I found it hard to get out of bed. I went on ads for nearly 2 years which helped at the time but I had terrible withdrawal symptoms and don't think I could face taking them again. I also have low self confidence - although anyone meeting me probably wouldn't think so!! I find I can cover up my negative feelings quite easily but they are still there lurking underneath. I also feel quite jealous of my dp (poor man!) who is the most optimistic, easy going bloke on earth. I envy his ability to make friends so easily and be so likeable and view things optimistically.

On good days I find I can achieve so much - over the last year I've worked out reguarly which has made me feel better about my post baby body, I've passed my driving test and I went back to work part-time plus I have a beautiful happy healthy son.

Can I also say I suffered from severe sleep deprivation for around 15 months as well and eventually my GP gave me sleeping tablets which saved my life. I only took them for a couple of months but they got me back into proper sleeping habits and now I sleep well for the majority of the time. Chronic tiredness can affect your whole life and make you feel that its not worth living.

Finally I do empathise with some of your points - I also have a problem with my MIL and feel she is extremely overbearing (although has a heart of gold). On bad days I hate seeing her but on good days I can see all her good points although she never looks after our son because I just wouldn't feel comfortable with it. So perhaps I'm a bit of a control freak as well. I know I can also be a difficult person to get on with and have bad points. I also lost alot of friends whilst I was pregnant and had my son basically because none of my friends were doing the same and our lives went different ways.

I suppose the point I am making is that you are not alone with your feelings and things can improve. Ultimately this will make you a stronger person. See your GP if only to ask about how to improve your sleeping. Once this is sorted everything else might fall into place. And don't be so hard on yourself! If you feel like chatting mail me at [email protected]

Welcom susanb. Sorry to hear you've been having a hard time, and glad that you've founf Mumsnet - I'm sure you'll find it a huge source of comfort and help.

Hi Everybody
I hadn't looked at this thread for a while and so hadn't realised there were so many messages. Thank you for all your kind words. I am feeling better recently, dh and I are getting on better... My MIL did not come and stay as I thought she would - though she is probably coming at Easter. She is fine - I just feel a little stressed when she is around as she tends to be watching what I am doing with ds etc... It is true re the inferiority complex but I guess I have to work on that one...
I suppose lots of the things I said were either true or had elements of truth to them, but when I'm not feeling as crap as I was then they don't seem so daunting.
Re. the lost friendship - I think it was a mutual, though never stated, agreement... Re. not getting on very well with my mother - I think we are very different characters, I find her quite overbearing... Also, since ds was born I have seen SOO much of my parents and I find that a little difficult. The fact that my mother is ill it totally horrible...
The sleep I will try to sort out - ds still feeds at night and that is what I have to do something about...
Thank you again for all your kind messagess...