Friend has breast cancer - how can I best support her?

[thehouseofmirth]

My dear friend has been diagnosed with an agressive form of breast cancer. She has had a lumpectomy and is now facing 6 months chemo and then radiotherapy, Herceptin and tamoxifen.

It's obvioulsy knocked us all for six and I know we all need to get used to the idea and get in with it but I was wondering if anyone with experience of this situation can offer me any advice on what I can do to make the upcoming months more bearable for her?

could you possibly organise some days of theraputic therapy such as having manicures facial massages?

my friend when ill with cancer loved this as she felt revived and human still rather than ill and forgotten about

or ask her what she would like to do and just follow her rules for short while as chemo did leave my friend tired and self concious when hair started thinning

just be there offer a shoulder to cry on and go round with dvd and take away have girly nights in if she is unwell to go out just support is all you can really do

sorry to hear of this for your friend though big hugs to you all xx

Hello

I was diagnosed with breast cancer a year ago, had a mastectomy in Dec and 5 months chemo. All clear as far as is known now. I am currently lying in bed having had a breast reconstruction on Friday.

The mastectomy itself wasn't too bad, I had limited mobility for a while afterwards, it was two or three weeks before I could drive, so lifts would be helpful for her, school run and stuff. Help with the groceries is good and anything requiring lifting or stretching.

The chemotherapy period was the worst time, it made me very very sick. All my hair fell out and I felt very ugly and disfigured. I didn't feel like having company a lot of the time as I had nothing to say and just wanted to be left alone to groan in peace. I think the best help I could have had was, again, help with the school run so I wouldn't have to go out, help with the housework, shopping and cooking, and stuff like taking the children away for a couple of hours. If you spend time with her she might not feel like talking, if you can accept that and try not to mind that's good.

Laughter is great, it felt terrible to be bald but joking about it helped loads. Nice scarves and hats are a good thing to get for her so she can cover up and look pretty. If she doesn't have a wig ready in preparation for chemo you could go with her and help her with trying them on, seeing what suits her.

When my DH was ill with cancer the best thing a friend did was to send an ocado delivery of lots of delicious foods as well as household essentials like nappies and loo roll ...

My MOL has ovarian cancer.

A very old friend organised the appointment at the wig makers, sorted out a hairdresser that could do her hair while it was thinning and also cut her wig into shape, and has generally dealt with, and accompanied MOL to, all the stuff that is sensitive and difficult to do with her physical appearance.

Can you do this? It has been so helpful to MOL that her family didn't do this, but someone "outside"?

If you have one local you could try Maggie Centre also book her one of these sessions Look good feel better, good info here Breast cancer care,Lavender trust. HTH

Thanks all. Obviously I'll talk to her but you don't always know what you want/need in this kindof situation so it's good to hear what's helped other people.

Her children are 12 & 14 so no need for so much practical help but emotionally I think they need some propping up as they are old enough to understand the full implications but not quite old enough to cope with their emotions on their own.

Anorak, I hope you're well on the road to recovery.

Shopping, cleaning, cooking - filling the freezer with healthy meals, taking her to and from appointments, carrying on ringing her even when she doesn't reply because one day she'll feel like talking, taking her out when she's feeling ok, buying nice ginger biscuits as well as ginger snaps, tidying the garden, sending cheery texts, buying white company cashmere bedsocks, checking she has a nice dressing gone for hospital and taking her hopping for one if she hasn't, listening to her when she's talking/ranting/crying and not saying "ooo I understand but it will all be ok", being prepared to listen to gory stuff like vomiting/constipation/ diarrhoea, buying nice hand cream, sorting out her ipod before she goes to hospital with some find downloads, buying her choice of trashy magazines (not yours), running errands, checking what's not under control.

Enough ideas? I have cancer and people have done these things for me and I have been very grateful. As well as looking after my children as they are small.

One of my best friends had cancer last year. I was also knocked for six felt so upset by it.

I think different people have different approaches. I did my best to be there for her if she wanted to talk about the cancer and what she was going through, but also to take her mind off things, by carrying on doing the things we always did, like gossiping and drinking wine.

She is now clear of the cancer and prognosis excellent, but v scary at the time and it does hang over her rather ( though she does a fine job of getting on with things)

am so sorry about your friend's news

can you see if there is a Maggies Centre nearby? they're a huge help and great support

I also downloaded a lot of talking books onto my ipod for her to listen to during chemo

I don't know whether or not you will think this is appropriate, but it might be something to look into - the Penny Brohn Cancer Help Centre has some useful complementary ideas to go with conventional treatment and they are lovely people. here is the link to their website - you could check it out first and see whether you think she would find it useful or not.