Feeling tearful and down, don't know why.

[Marianne]

For the past 10 days or so I've been feeling really down, and crying at nothing. The children (2 and 4) have been getting on my nerves over nothing and I've been guilty at shouting at them for the slightest thing. I feel worse first thing in the morning, and the getting ready for school/playgroup has suddenly become a really difficult time, with me getting all stressed and really impatient.

Dp and I have been having a difficult time for the last 2 years and although things have been better recently my sex drive is still nil despite some false starts. So that has put a strain on the relationship but this tearfulness has been very recent, and I don't know why. I even did a pregnancy test this week (though it would have been almost miraculous if I had been!) as it seemed the only explanation for such moodiness.

After nearly 5 years as a SAHM I suddenly feel it's all too much sometimes. The thing is, I'm very lucky in that dp is great with the kids, I have 3 mornings a week to myself and no shortage of family/friends to babysit so it's not like I never get out. The only "trigger" I can think of is that I've just finished a course I've been doing at home, which was a real focus for me for the past 12 months and I did feel a bit of an anti-climax when I finished it but that still doesn't explain the way I've been feeling. I'm very reluctant to call it depression - half of my NCT group are on anti-depressants but their feelings have been triggered by stresses like money worries, moving house, childcare etc. I should have nothing to worry about, apart from the relationship, I just feel very confused.

Sorry this is a bit rambling, but I hope someone might recognise something of what I've described and be able to suggest what I could do to try and feel better. Thank you!

Marianne, Sorry to hear that you are feeling this way. I have one son aged 3 and also a SAHM, Before I had him I worked 6 days a week and sometimes I find it very difficult staying at home, I am torn between wanting to be with my son and needed to get out and do something for me.
The company I worked for has now gone bust so it was not an option to go back there, and as he is only going to play-school for 2 1/2 hour sessions it really was no realistic to work then, in the evenings I think it is family time and didn't want to wotk then.

It is all a bit much sometimes, I myself are recovering from PND and still find myself tearful at times. I have a wonderful hubby and son, but sometimes that just makes it worse.

I like you have endless people who will babysit.

I myself started as an avon rep, it helped quite a bit, it took my mind off being bored a lot of the time and the extra money is nice, maybe you need to do something, as you said your course has finished.

I think my problem is that I have too much time to think, I prefer to be rushing around.

Anyway, I hope that things improve for you.

Could it be that you are a little depressed or maybe PMT, if it doesn't improve, just have a chat to your doctor or HV.

Good Luck

Marianne, really sorry to read that you have been/are feeling so low. I can only say that now and again I get such a low feeling I can't snap out of it but eventually after weeks I seem to reach a better level. Like you I should have nothing to worry about (apart from the usual worries, work/money) and knowing this doesn't make any difference. I often think if I had family/real friends nearby it would make a big difference but I guess some people just get like this and as you say it's confusing.

Sorry I can't offer any suggestions.

Marianne -

I think you are right about the course. I didn't have kids at the time, but I remember feeling very very empty for a few months after finishing university. It's like you just lose your focus. The feeling only went away when I found a job.

I strongly suggest you look into finding some other course or a job, or even just a pet project like a website. We all need some sort of thing to be working for IMO and although bringing up children is a very very worthy thing to be spending all your time on, it turns out not to be enough for most of us.

Must get back to my pet project.

Marianne - don't be so hard on yourself. Everyone goes through this kind of thing at some time.
I sometimes get terribly miserable even though I have absolutely no reason. I always blame it on hormones - they are tricky blighters, attacking you for all sorts of reasons in a most underhand manner.
If I were you I'd pamper myself with my favourite things for the next few days.
Tell Dp that he should be extra nice to you for a day (let's not push it too far!) because you're a bit fragile & see what he comes up with.
Also I find that exercise does me the world of good when I'm tetchy (I never want to do it - but once I've had a walk or something I always feel better).
Finally, what was your course? What were you working towards? Maybe you just need a bit of direction?
Hope you feel better soon.

Thank you all for your comments - so nice to get sympathy/empathy from other mums! I have felt a lot better the past day or two, so I'm sure it's nothing really serious.
Tuscany - it was a proofreading course, which is a line of work I'll start pursuing soon but haven't got much time at the moment. I think I'm bored with being a housewife (and probably have been for a while) but have always felt strongly that me being at home was the best thing for my children. I think it was/is, but now it's not the best thing for me! So it's definitely time for some direction, some part-time work. I thought of looking into doing something voluntary for a while, but don't want to work in a charity shop or work with children. Any ideas?

Hello All,
First time posting today.
My little girl is 19 weks old and has been and still is (& feels like she always will be) a very challenging baby. ow do u know if you have post natal depression? On the days when she is "good" i feel good, on the days when she is "not good" I feel bad, is that PND?
My daughter is people phobic and cries, no, screams when people visit, when we go out, at nursery, in the pushchair, in the car, whilst feeding, whilst bathing.......luckily she is just off nite feeds and generally slepps from 7.30pm to 6am. Is anybody else out there suffering like me? I am tired, I cant sleep, I am ratty, awful to live with, I just want peace and cant get any. Even tho I'm back at work, all I think aout is baby and wot she is doing, is she sleeping well, is she feeding well etc etc. Its awful but if I cud turn back the clock........

Sarita
I don't know whether it is PND but it doesn't really matter what you call it - you are miserable and stressed and anxious which in my book is depression. I kept a diary when my dd (now 14 months)was born and had exactly the same pattern as you. If she was "good" I felt ok, if she was crying a lot for whatever reason (and I couldn't stop it) I felt bad. I think I also felt that I had failed in some way because my dd was not this little angel I'd thought she'd be, and I was not the calm, confident, happy mum that I'd pictured myself as. My dd was quite a tense baby, who could really let rip. People even commented on how loud she was and looked at me pityingly. Which all contributed to this feeling of failure. The turning point for me came when one day I just looked at her and said "OK, so you are a screamy baby who is not placid and relaxed. Well so what, I love you anyway". Sometimes it helps to accept more rather than fight the inevitable. I also made a list of all the things that were bringing me down and tried to figure out if there were any practical solutions. One of the main ones for me was that I felt isolated from my old friends, especially as many lived abroad and had had babies well before me. So I bought my lap top and have gone to bed with it virtually every night since.

My depression peaked around the time I was contemplating childcare as I planned to go back to work Part time. It was a nightmare time of guilt and fear, which really tipped me over the edge. Once I was feeling better I found that I could cope even with that.

When I was at my lowest I did speak to my HV, in fact I broke down with her, and I was prescribed antidepressants at the time. She also visited me at home and asked dp to be there too so that he could be involved more. I am convinced that it was not the tablets that got me better, it was taking some control over my situation. It did help a lot though to be listened to and taken seriously, and treated with kindness by the HV and GP. By the way, dd is now a lively, happy child, even though she still has her character of getting really overwhelmed and ratty when she is tired.

I wish you luck.