Forgive me venting all this on here but I feel like I'm losing it a bit and it sometimes helps to write things down.
Over the summer I took antibiotics and got very ill as a result. I was told not to worry by several Drs but then my own GP rang me and said I needed to treat the illness as it was very dangerous.
So I took more medication, and felt better for a while - then it came back. So I was given another lot.
meanwhile I'd been researching the illness (C difficile) and found out a lot about it - including that it is not uncommon to relapse, about 30-50% of cases do - and that after that another relapse is even more likely.
Anyway I took the next lot of a/b's and again it responded, but then it came back yet again. I was losing the will to live by this point as although it wasn't making me very ill, I was feeling like a social outcast and unable to forget about it and get on with life.
I realise that people have worse diseases and so I am sorry to moan about something so pathetic. But it messes with your head a bit.
Anyway I am now on a different sort of dose which is supposed to do the trick, but i don;t know if it will or not and I am freaked out.
I wasn't doing too badly until this morning, when the GP rang me and said that if this course doesn't work, he had no idea what to do next. He kept On and On about how I was a weird medical anomaly and usually people fight it off within a week, and he has never seen two relapses (I've joined a forum for sufferers and many of them have had it recur a few times) and that the next step would possibly involve admission to hospital and IV treatment
I know that this isn't the only option, there are pioneering treatments and research about all sorts of other ways to get rid of the bug, but he seemed unaware of all that and kept dismissing my web research. He was basically being extremely dramatic and alarmist and to be honest, it felt aggressive.
I felt like he noted I was feeling scared (I had said so) and used it to take a big old power trip at my expense. He was saying how 'lucky' I had been so far and that it could do terrible, awful things to me if we didn't treat it very strongly. He also said there were no treatment protocols if the ones we've already tried, fail. Nobody knows what they are doing.
He also mentioned that I have had a lot of a/b's in my life and kept talking about 'resistance' etc. I felt as though he was trying to drum out every ounce of sanity I have left - it has been nearly two months since I started treatment and most of that time I have not felt ill really.
my mother thinks it will sort itself out without major a/b's every time 0 in fact she thinks they make it worse as they kill off everything - and keeps telling me off and getting really impatient with me when I am stunned by what my GP says and really upset and scared. She can't just be sympathetic - actually I think she is worried despite her vehement denial of this.
but even if he is being a twt (he has history, he told me that it was my fault I got mastitis because I breastfed) I am still shtting myself (excuse the expression) because I've never, ever been an in patient at hospital, I can't leave my children, and being in hospital also makes it more likely I'll pick it up all over again as the place is rife.
I am completely terrified. I was feeling ok thinking along the lines my mum suggested - ie the gut will make its own balance right if you just leave it and take probiotics - but then when the GP said all that I fell to piece and haven't been able to do anything all day. It is horrible for me and has a knock on effect on the children too.
I am so sorry to rant like this, i just needed to elt it all out and i don't expect any replies - I'll be Ok. Just feel scared.