is my dh an alcoholic? (long and gross- sorry!)

[belcantwait]

this weekend dh had some kind of epithany (SP???).

We were away for the weekend on our own for a friends wedding. had been so looking forward to it as never get to get away on our own. the wedding was lovely followed by a champagne reception and obv lots of wine at the meal and free wine/beer/champers in the evening.
now, i like a drink, several in fact, but i'm a grown up and know that i want to enjoy the whole weekend and not feel rubbish so i say no to the odd drink, drink water as well etc etc.
dh seemed fine tbh til we got in the taxi, i knew he was then feeling ill as he had window wide open and wasnt speaking.
got back to the lovely hotel we booked ourselves as a treat, dh is staggering quite badly. i went into the bathroom then went to bed. dh staggers to the bathroom. about 15 mins later he is fast asleep sitting fully clothed on the loo. i try and wake him up, he just grunts. i go back to bed. about 10 minutes there is horrendous retching and vomiting noises. after having the pillow wedged over my head for 10 mins or so it seems to have stopped. i enyter the bathroom- it looks like there has been a red wine massacre. he has vomited literally EVERYWHERE except the effing toilet, bath is covered, walls everywhere.
the next day he was ill all day, i had to stop literally 3 or 4 times driving home (at teatime!) for him to be violently sick. bleugh. he says top me that day that he think he might have a problem with drink and he was thinking of calling the AA.
because let me assure you this is not a one off! oh no!
the thing is he can go a day or two witout drinking but if i suggest a glass of wine he jumps at it and will have to finish any half empty bottle. once he has started drinking he gets paniccy and desperate if it starts to run out. he cannot say no to free alcohol (blaming the weeekend on 'X made me'. i mean ffs he is a GROWN man, not a teenager. it ruins everytim we go out together because it goes on over days.
i dont know iff this is a sign of a problem or a problem that is to come or what i mean. i dont think its normal. does anyone have any idea? do you think he needs help?

bel - is it possible that it is you who is very scared (understandably), he has made a massive leap in mentioning that he might need AA and it seems to be you who is offering excuses, 'he's not that bad'. He really needs you to support and encourage him, and in all honesty, you are not happy with his behaviour at the moment so what is there to lose? Good luck xx

i might be a bit scared that i have to give up my social drinking as well as him. i might also be a bit scared that he wont be the same bloke when he is sober. he is actually quite fun when he is slightly tipsy and we always ahve a good laugh and get on well. its just when he then takes it too far. which he usually does.

you need to look into enabling

belcanwait,

Many women in such a situation act as their man's enabler.

Who is buying the alcohol?. Your house will need to become an alcohol free zone. You cannot drink with him at all if he has alcohol dependency issues (you're enabling him). You drinking with him can actually make the problem worse.

Would suggest you contact Al-anon and seek support for your own self. He has to want to address his own alcohol problem and seek help for his own self, you cannot do that for him.

Look at the reasons why you drink too - if you are doing so primarily to "relax" then you need to reconsider your own drinking habits.

A recent govt bases study identifed 9 types of drinker:-

Depressed drinker
Life in a state of crisis eg recently bereaved, divorced or in financial crisis. Alcohol is a comforter and a form of self-medication used to help them cope

De-stress drinker
Pressurised job or stressful home life leads to feelings of being out of control and burdened with responsibility Alcohol is used to relax, unwind and calm down and to gain a sense of control when switching between work and personal life. Partners often support or reinforce behaviour by preparing drinks for them

Re-bonding drinker
Relevant to those with a very busy social calendar Alcohol is the ?shared connector' that unifies and gets them on the same level. They often forget the time and the amount they are consuming

Conformist drinker
Traditional guys who believe that going to the pub every night is ?what men do' Justify it as ?me time'. The pub is their second home and they feel a strong sense of belonging and acceptance within this environment

Community drinker
Drink in fairly large social friendship groups The sense of community forged through the pub-group. Drinking provides a sense of safety and security and gives their lives meaning. It also acts a social network

Boredom drinker
Typically single mums or recent divorcees with restricted social life Drinking is company, making up for an absence of people. Drinking marks the end of the day, perhaps following the completion of chores

Macho drinker
Often feeling under-valued, disempowered and frustrated in important areas of their life Have actively cultivated a strong ?alpha male' that revolves around their drinking ?prowess'. Drinking is driven by a constant need to assert their masculinity and status to themselves and others

Hedonistic drinker
Single, divorced and/or with grown up children Drinking excessively is a way of visibly expressing their independence, freedom and ?youthfulness' to themselves. Alcohol used to release inhibitions

Border dependents
Men who effectively live in the pub which, for them, is very much a home from home A combination of motives, including boredom, the need to conform, and a general sense of malaise in their lives

ooh i think i might be a hedonistic/boredom drinker. no idea about dh

(thebecster with slightly updated name!)

I think whether or not he goes to AA, I'd recommend that you try going to Al-Anon yourself. There are a few co-dependency alarm bells in what you're saying - don't take that the wrong way, it's often the inevitable consequence of being in a relationship with an alcoholic. Take a look at their website, and find yourself a local meeting.

I have the same problem as some of you ... my DH has a drink problem , has about 4 pints then a whole bottle of wine every night , but only today we went to the docs to see if he can get some help , im so pleased hes admitted he has a problem , but now dont know which way to go for the help .

Becster bloody good for you for going and getting some control. Sorry I know that was a few posts ago....am behind times. I think you're right about it challenging folks ideas of their own drinking. I don't drink but I know when I'm trying to lose weight, there are always a few "friends" who go "oh thats daft, you don't need to lose any more weight. Besides here I made you cakes/brought you chocs...." That's hard enough and that's not addictive!!