i am supposed to be going to the doctors but am having a bit of a wobble about it.

[onlyjoking9329]

ok this is the third appointment i have had in the last week, i cancelled the other two as just couldn't face going out the door and going to the doctors cos i know i will end up in tears.
i have 2 lumps which the doctor has looked at twice and sais they are most likely cysts, i have had 2 lots of ABs which haven't worked and doctor said that id last lot didn't work then cysts need removing, i am worried that they may not be cysts and also worried about how i can practical manage with the kids and stuff if i have to have them removed, i have a problem with hospitals too which is so not helpful.
i think the doctor will suggest ADs and i am not sure they will help but i do need to feel better able to cope/eat/sleep the kids need me to be better i need be to be better so why anm i so scared to go to the doctors as they might be able to help get me better, i don't know if there are any solutions/answers to this ramble but feel i need to get it out so to speak.

So sorry to hear this OJ - you have enough on your plate without this....

Could you get a friend or relative to go with you - always useful if you are upset and need someone to ask the right questions, remember what the doctor said, etc...

Have you had AD's before? Did they help then?

Have you got a RL friend who could accompany you to the docs to make sure that you get there. The fact you've made 3 appts in a week shows that you know deep down that you need to go.

for you. I worry about going to the docs too, and I've got nothing like you to worry about.

Get out that door and see the doctor and say everything you've just said here. If the cysts need to be removed then I think that's quite quick and straightforward - you can ask about that today. Don't worry about everything at once - all you atually need to worry about now this minute is getting to the doctors. Then you can start fretting about the practicalities.

And after everything you've been through, tbh if you didn't need ADs you would officially be Superwoman. I would have to make you a cape, and I can't sew . They might help, they might not, but isn't it worth a shot?

DOn't worry about crying-in fact resign yourself to the fact that you will cry and take loads of tissues.

You may need some AD's,nothing to be ashamed about and you already realise they may help you cope better.

As for the cysts,removal of them shouldn't be a huge thing,depending on where they are,probably a short day case.Have you someone who could help out with the kds?

You will feel so much better when you come back from the GP.Don't put it off again-you'll feel worse.

hey oj.... sending you big hugs ((((()))))

right. first things first...the cysts are not nice, but they are there and they need treating.... if they are anything more nasty than cysts, then early detection is the key to getting them sorted....i know you know that, but it is important that you look after yourself.......

about the anti d's...i lknow that you are reluctant to start on them, but they may help you...i know that they won't make you better...nothing can do that...you are greiving and getting used to a new life now, but they may help you get on a more even keel, and just cope slightly better....there is nowt wrong with needing a bit of help jo....

jeez...you have been so very amazing, and still are doing a great job...but you need to become important to yourself too...when you go to pot (or rum!) then you become less able to support your kids....

thinking of you (and do often)...i hope you get sorted soon...please rant away if you need to....

xx

my mate offered to go with me but i said no,i feel i need to do it/not do it on my own.
i don't think i am depressed in the traditional sense i am just very sad, AD would mask the feelings but i feel i have to go through this grieving process ADs would just stall it i think.

have you poken to bereavemnet counsellor ,they may beable to advise about AD's

have spoken to our Mac nurse about ADs and she agrees that they would mask things for now and i would have to deal with them later which would be harder

but would they mask it oj? i'm not sure...in my experience of taking ad's (for no reason other than i'm barking mad!!) they don't make you feel on top of the world...they just help you feel a little less unstable...

i'm sure that nothing will mask your grief....its not something that can be just "solved" is it?

why don't yougo and like a pp said, just speak to your gp about it.....you don't have to take them even if you get them...

baby steps...get the cysts sorted first and wait and have a think about the anti ds until you feel more able to make an informed choice about it....

Hi OJ - I used to post on your threads (namechanged long story). I think you are entitled to more than a slight wobble!
I understand your fear of going to the dr. There is the fear that it is something worse (perfectly natural given what you've been through) but trust me highly highly unlikely. There is the fear of crying and someone finding out that you are human and you do need a bit of support. You have no need to feel any shame, you have been and you still are incredibly amazingly strong. I think it may be time to let the strength go for a little bit, get some help and support and build up a new strength. Sometimes you have to knock down an old wall to build a newer stronger one.
I also understand your fear of AD's - what if they change you, make you a bit groggy and not your normal self. What if they make you less of a mom. They won't. Just use them (if needs be) as a temporary crutch while you heal and rebuild.
And please - cry. Sob your heart out. Bawl and scream. Shout how unfair it is. This is your opportunity to let it all out in front of someone that you don't have to worry about. You hold it all together for the kids, don't want to lose it in front of your friends. But the dr is impartial and professional and confidential. You'll feel better for it I bet.
Good luck xxx

thanks, I am at the doctors now, there seems to be a backlog and my doctor has a student in with her, I could be some time!
I do talk/cry with mates I just feelsilly/vunerable doing it in public, I have taken some rescue remedy to try to stop the panic feeling.

hope it goes ok - thinking of you x.

have seen the doctor and her student, the cysts are infected so more ABs and more thrush stuff cos it always happen to me with ABs.
spoke to her about not sleeping and she asked why i wasn't sleeping so then i had to explain that my husband had died, then came the tears.
she offered ADs but i told her why i didn't want them, she suggests piriton to help me sleep and says they are ok long term, she doesnt want to give me sleeping tablets cos they are addictive.
i didn't tell her about the panic attacks cos i was desparate to get out of there.

OJ I use melatonin to help me sleep

I work nights,so it helps with the buggered up sleep pattern.

thanks, I have tried meletonin kalms and some herbal stuff, the problems isn't getting to sleep it is staying asleep. Once I am awake I think too much and it keeps me awake, if I could turn off thinking that would help.
I am sure things will feel better after some sleep. It is a balancing act like most things in life!

hey oj...well done for going...

sorry you found it difficult...

how about a relaxation cd or something...one that guides you through the technique...you can listen to the words and try to focus and block everything else out...

or get a few good dvds in...maybe a series and when you can'rt sleep whack it on...you may not be sleeping, but your mind may feel less fraught and your body will be resting...

ummm. not sure really, but sending you more hugs because i can't help in any other way...((((()))))

OJ, firstly .

secondly......would you think about maybe either going onto AD's for a very short time, or sleeping tabs for maybe a week, just to get your body back into a rythm again??

after my car accident 2yrs ago, I suffered PTSD and panic attacks, and basically stopped sleeping at all.....leading to depression.

my friend (flame in fact), forced me to the docs, and the prescribed AD's for me, which I fought and fought against taking (for me it was an admission of defeat).

anyway, they were of a type that also contained a mild sleeping tablet.....and I was prescribed just one months worth.

for the short time I took them, they helped me get back my sleeping ability, and once I was able to sleep, so I was able to start dealing with things again, and also deal with the panic attacks.

now, I know your grief is far far stronger than anything I went thro, and I can comepletely indurstand your not wanting to mask your feelings, but maybe just a short burst to get your body able to sleep again might help???

sleep deprivation is, IMO, one of the worst things to go thro, (especially on top of grief and still dealing with your children/life) as it alters your reality slightly and then anything you feel or go thro is far far worse than if you were able to sleep IYGWIM.

anyway....many more hugs. you are an amazing lady, I hope you manage to relax a little.

I find it impossible to relax I feel like I am on high alert all the time, I just have a fear that something bad is going to happen, but I don't know what, I am on the waiting list for cruise but that will be months away.
I know that I just have to get on with it but most days I feel that I can't do it, experience should show me that I can do it Steve died 107 days ago but things feel so much worse now than they did even in the early days, I want to be able to get throu this and that means having to feel the feelings , there just seems to be little point to this stuff life as chucked at us and I resent feeling like this and want our old life back.

oh oj.....i have no words of wisdom for you...

i'm sure that what you are feeling is sadly normal given the sad times you've had this last year...i guess in the early days of steve being gone, you are sort of busy..people calling, things to do, arrangements to make, paperwork and everything, but now i guess comes the emptyness...the day to day comings and goings where you start to hurt with wanting your steve back..

fwiw, what you are explaining, you sound like you don't have depression, but anxiety instead.... i had this...is very disturbing to live with...

there are different types of medication you can take for anxiety...would you go back to your gp and speak about feeling anxious?

i feel so terrible about not having the right words to help or soothe....i just wish you well....and send yo strenth and warmth to get through the coming weeks......xx

You are being very brave. Be kind to yourself. Time will pass, things will get easier.

I think it is okay to postpone some of the depth of feeling until you are feeling stronger if that is what you need to do.

Because you will be in a better place in the future and will be able to feel deep sadness without being totally sad if you know what I mean.

At the moment you are still totally sad and don't feel guilty about trying to get some escape or respite from the immense stress of that total sadness.

I wish you well.