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Original poster

All partners of alcoholics - advice please....

20 replies

shatteredmumsrus · 02/09/2008 20:21

Partner is a very heavy drinker when he drinks. He doesnt drink everyday but does most days. The only time he wont drink is when he has football training.It takes him half the time to drink a pint compared to others and this is commented on quite often.Every now and again he has a major drinking session and cant get up for work and is then miserable the nect day and takes it out on everyone else.I have thrown him out after a 24 hour session the weekend without calling me. He has finally admitted he has a problem and is at aa as we speak. What do they talk about? I dont beleve he will ever change. He is only 34 and all his mates drink. The circles he goes in is all about drinking. His own family is full of alcoholics. How can he ever change? What if I fancied a glass of wine but cant because I feel awkward if he struggles not to drink. So many questions...

OP posts:

Salleroo · 02/09/2008 20:29

Perhaps you could go to Al-anon (I think it's called) for partners of alcoholics. If he is going to AA then he seems serious about stopping, isnt that the first step - to acknowledge that you have a problem. You need to be behind him all the way, if you dont believe he will ever change then where's the hope?

Good luck

Original poster

shatteredmumsrus · 02/09/2008 20:34

I know I dont have any faith in him as everyone around him thinks its a normal way to behave. Im no prude by the way and I ove a nigth out with the girls and a bottle of wine but he has a problem.How can he change being surrounded by this way of life. I wonder if it would help if we moved?

OP posts:

hairyhandedburglar · 02/09/2008 20:39

not a partner of an alcoholic, shattered, but ex partner of drug addict. Just wanted to say that I don't think moving will help - ex did this several times and to this day thinks that if he moves away from the place that he is in (where he is surrounded by people who he can get drugs from/take drugs with/memories of taking drugs etc) that everything will be easier. Sadly, that is never the case - it is the individual that needs to change. Avoiding certain situations may help, certainly, but that is part of the person changing I think.

Original poster

shatteredmumsrus · 02/09/2008 20:42

Your right hairy - do you have a magic wand?

OP posts:

hairyhandedburglar · 02/09/2008 20:46

sadly, no, shattered, wish I did

Original poster

shatteredmumsrus · 02/09/2008 20:47

Shame

OP posts:

flamingnora · 02/09/2008 21:02

Shattered - sorry to hear about your current situation - sounds awful. My DP is a recovering alcoholic & attends AA meetings twice a week (I have never known him when he was a driner - and by the sounds of it that's a good thing.) All I would say is that AA does work - for some people & as your DP is taking steps to address his problem, that is a good sign. Have you tried Al-Anon. I've heard that can really help?

AuraofDora · 02/09/2008 21:05

dont have direct experience of this but alcoholic dad for most of my childhood..

the fact he went to see and attend is good depends why and what he wants
if you accept the life of an addict it is a hard and lonely path to take and it can will destroy many lifes esp of those who love you

hairyhb is right..its they have to change and they have to want to change ime
i so hope for you and your family they do choose to break the cycle and be compus mentus and breathe in the fresh air freedom from addiction and dealing with life can and should feel like ..
good luck to all

Original poster

shatteredmumsrus · 02/09/2008 21:05

Im going to look into al anon.Its just not how i thought our life would be. We have many friends and socialise with them. Going round their houses for a drink and meal etc, he wouldnt be able to do this without drinking. It is our best friends wedding friday and dp is the best man - im not going as it will be too awkward a im really upset about that too. Theres another night drinking,,,

OP posts:

silvermum · 02/09/2008 21:38

shattered how long did it take him to admit there was a problem; how much pushing did it take by you, and was there a particular incident that was a 'wake up call?'
i think my DH also has a problem. he CAN have a night without a drink but he doesn't like to....and he will happily make his way through a bottle and a half of wine, all by himself. i reckon he has at least three bottles of wine between Friday night and Sunday night, and then half a bottle one or two other nights a week. the problem is that he is a 'functioning' heavy drinker - he doesn't feel crap in the morning and rarely does anything stupid or offensive once he's had a lot. he just goes all slurry and can't remember conversations the next day (v. v annoying). This makes it very difficult to persuade him that there is any real issue, and sometimes i'm not sure there is myself - yet it seems far too much alcohol and i'd hate to see the state of his liver.
he is VERY touchy about it and any time i raise it he gets very very defensive and insists he wasn't drunk, just "very tired' etc. there is no way i can see him ever going to AA. So, what next? do i just let it go on? i'd be interested to hear how you get on.

Iworryalot · 02/09/2008 22:01

poor you shattered ,you should go if there close friends of yours ! wont they wonder why your not there ?
Im in a similar situ as yourself ,my DH has a drink problem of which he is trying to control himself .......
its very hard to cope with all the ups and downs of living with a drinker ,do you have friends and family to talk to ?

Iworryalot · 02/09/2008 22:09

wow silvermum , i have a DH just the same .... i really do .
at the moment he is ''trying '' to not drink in the week and only drink at weekends , as i have told him iv had enough ,cant carry on the way he has been week after week of continuous drinking night after night ,with only a day off here and there when it suites him ....
he to can drink a bottle of wine per night not to mention the beer in the local pub ... then falls asleep by 9.30 great ..
although at least then i can get some peace from all the crap he goes on about ....sorry for the rant .

Original poster

shatteredmumsrus · 03/09/2008 07:59

He has always been a big drinker as that is the way he was brought up - his dad and uncles are also big drinkers. He is also a functioning drinker and goes to wourl without a hangover, i dont know how he does it.I have been with him for 5 years and he has always been like it - dont know what i was thinkng. He has mentioned going to aa a few times before when he has had 'mad ones' with the drink but told me has hit rock botton and he went last night. Dont know how he got on he is staying somewhere else atm. I agree its a hit life living with a drinker - dp usually falls asleep too, reat peace and quiet but a lonely life

OP posts:

Iworryalot · 03/09/2008 08:39

morning , lets hope that he will stick to the aa meetings and get help , hes taken the first step ,admitting there is a problem ...hope it went well in the meeting last night .

my mother is an Alcoholic in denial of course, she drinks everyday ,shes been like it for years .

Original poster

shatteredmumsrus · 03/09/2008 19:59

so common isnt it. He went last night with his dad (x alcoholic too) and said he would go again definately so it must have been beneficial x

OP posts:

Iworryalot · 03/09/2008 21:29

thats good news shattered ..... is he tee total at the moment ? mine wasnt going to drink in the week but now wed and is so that didnt work !!
i do believe that untill mine admits theres a problem he wont do anything about it ....
so i think your half way there as your DP is getting help and did go to the meeting .
i hope it all continues for you and i also hope in time mine will do the same ....
Does his dad drink anymore ? and is he a help ? thats good if he is .

Original poster

shatteredmumsrus · 04/09/2008 07:14

Hi, He hasnt drank since Sunday afternoon - wow not much to boast about but he has a wedding tomorrow so lets see.Its thinkggs like that that worry me - im not going to give up going for a drink with my friends once a month or going to parties, its so hard isnt it.His dad only drinks every few months and he agrees that even that is wrong. He has taken dp under his wing and goes to the aa meetings with him. They are going again tonight. Your right about waiting for dh to admit he has a problem - there is no point in nagging believe me. Feel for you tho xx

OP posts:

Iworryalot · 04/09/2008 08:33

Thanks ,hope your DP gets on ok at meeting tonight.
And the wedding will be a real test to see if he really does want to change ....
Mine this morning has said sorry for laps last night and says wont happen again....
wont hold my breath on that one ...
it is hard as i feel theres 3 people in our relationship me him and his best friend of all the booze .......

Original poster

shatteredmumsrus · 04/09/2008 16:50

and the booze comes 1st

OP posts:

girlfriend101 · 15/04/2009 20:17

I'm not sure if any of you are still reading this forum but I really hope you are. You have really struck a cord in to my life at the moment. My husband is a heavy drinker, has been all the time I've known him (8 years). We were both very young when we met, out of university so I drank heavily at the time as well. However over the years my habits have changed and I've become very sporty and train for running races. My husband hasnt, now he worries me quite considerably with the amount he drinks. Its a lot. At the moment he is at home working but drinks during the day. Each evening when I get home we argue about it and I get told that he'll try not to drink the next day. Two weeks ago I threaten to leave if he didnt sort himself out, I took time off work as needed a holiday and he didnt drink whilst I was around. I go back to work and he has been drinking... what do I do? He wont go to AA, which I've suggested but I cant go on like this, its destroying us. I love him but am at my wits end... does anyone have any ideas?

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