Exhausted!

[forest]

I am feeling extremely tired at the moment and have no energy or motivation. I am losing concentration and becoming very forgetful. Dd is 10 months in a few days and has only slept through the night 4 times, I am still bf on demand, both of us have a cold and perhaps my periods are due.
I am trying to look after dd full time, run my own business, run dd's social life (she seems to get invited to all sorts), I am becoming involved in a HE group and I usually end up walking the dog (I also carry dd in a backpack) as dh is too tired.
I am finding it very hard to do any work as I am not focusing on what needs to be done and dd is extremely clingy. The house is a tip but I can't be bothered to clean it and there is washing mounting up but I don't care.
Everytime I try and mention to dh that I am tired he just responds with how tired he is (he works full time and is also trying to run our business) as if it is some sort of competition. All I want is a bit of TLC from him!
Basically I need a whinge about how tired I am and was hoping there might be others out there who are feeling as tired so I know I am not alone.
And if anyone has any suggestions for feeling more awake please let me know

Hi Forest, sooner or later something has to give. I was in a very similar position to you last year and ended up having a very painful breakdown. Firstly, get some sleep asap. Bugger the housework. In the great scheme of things it really doesn't matter. Then sit down with DH at the first opportunity and talk about how things are for both of you now and how you would like it to be. Then work out (and be open-minded) how to focus on your priorities. Best of luck and keep me posted.

Ditto Ghengis.
Forest... that sounds awful and very hard to take. My ds has only really slept a full night a handful of times and he's now 19mths (not trying to scare you!!). My dp and I both work full-time and most nights we both fall asleep watching TV at around 9pm. We are just both SO drained.

We are fortunate enough that my Mum takes him one night a week to let us catch up. My dp and I take it turns to get up through the night and one of us gets to disappear to the spare room for a proper kip!! It's not ideal, but it's been our saviour!

You MUST speak to dh. You are getting unfair deal here and at some point it's going to affect your health! Is there anybody who could tak dd for a night?? Perhaps have expressed milk? Breast-feeding too puts a lot of pressure on you coz only you can get up through the night to feed her. Could you perhaps give her bottles at night.... then dh can chip in too!!?

The priority is definitely to get some sleep!! The housework will always be there..... maybe you could ask dh to stick a load of washing in the machine? Actually, I take that back. If he's anything like my dp it's probably safer not to let him near the washing machine!

Good luck forest, I hope you can get through to him!

Strong black coffee.... I know it's not very original, but it helps me stay awake at work!

Controlled crying for dd, cut down on dd's playdates, share the dog walking, stop drinking tea/coffee (sorry mum2toby!), GET MORE SLEEP!!

Harsh but fair.

x E

Controlled crying did not work for us because we both work full-time! There is no way in hell we would sit up for hours in the night whilst he screamed himslef sick when we know all too well that the minute his head and our heads hit the pillow we're off to sleep! We would have to take time off work to do it and that isn't practical either as I am the main earner and, as a Contractor do not get paid time off.

Controlled crying is fine if you have the time to do it, but I just can't afford to take time off or be completely and utterly zombied at work...

.... it doesn't work for everyone!!!!!!

Have you tried cc? If not, it might well be a lot easier than you imagine. It can work in just one or two nights and after that you can sleep all night, every night. I sometimes think you can get so tired you lose focus and the solution seems as daunting as the problem. It worked so fast with ds once he was old enough and we'd tackled the night feeds (ie knocked them on the head). Very short periods of crying - awful, but not hours and hours of yelling. It has transformed our lives. Ie, we now have a life.

Aloha - we tried it for 2 nights with ds over the xmas holidays. He screamed and screamed and screamed for about 2 hours from 11pm to 1am (he'd been in bed since 8pm). It got to the point that even when he wanted to lie down, his nose was so blocked from crying that he just got upset again! When he went to sleep he woke at 5am. The next night went exactly the same if not worse so we gave up. We definitely get more sleep with him in bad beside us!

Mum2toby - it sounds harsh but you may benefit from at least trying some kind of controlled crying. I have also worked full time since both mine were small and we also got ourselves into a few bad habits as it seemed an easy way to get around a problem. I realised that yes, I needed my sleep but I also needed some of my evening too, otherwise I was not getting anything else done and I was getting really down. It only took a few nights. I can't remember now whether I read this technique or someone told me about it but it was recommended as a way forward if you did not like the idea of 'controlled crying' basically:
Kiss them goodnight say I will be back in a minute to kiss you goodnight and do just that - stand outside the door, time yourself a minute and go back in, quick cuddle, back into cot, kiss goodnight, say I will be back in a couple of minutes to kiss you goodnight - stand outside the door and time for two minutes. Gradually extend the time but always return to give them the promised kiss. When I did this the first couple of nights were quite difficult but I was determined to do this and I did get through. I am also a fan of an night time routine, I always found that mine settled far easier when they had a bath, then a bottle, then a story then bed - if they did not have a bath it took me ages to settle them down.

I agree that you must speak with your dh about him doing his bit to help - dd is both of your responsibility, so is the business, so is the dog, so is the house - how come he is able to relax a bit but you can't. At least he could give dd her breakfast while you have a nice walk with the dog.

Jaybee. We will try it again, but it so hard. He goes to sleep ok in the evenings (usually about 7.30pm)...like you said, a bath then a bottle, then the cot. The problem is he usually wakes between 11pm and 1am and dp and I are usually in bed asleep. It's VERY difficult to think rationally when you've just woke up.

Anyway, sorry forest for going on about my ds!!!! I just went off on a tangent for a bit. You've never actually said much about dd's sleeping habits. How many times a night is she up? Does she go to sleep ok in the evening??

Do you feed in the night. I don't think any form of cc works if you still feed. We stopped the feeds before we tried cc. It took a little while to taper them off. My ds was 8months and had slept through once in his life. I DO know what it is like!

Forest - feel really sorry for you, you sound really down and depressed - some of my previous message to mum2toby was meant for you - the parts abouts speaking to your dh and getting him to share his responsibilities.
What sort of business are you running - how much time is this taking up? I would also imagine that if it is a new venture is is also quite a worry for you both.
I can understand why you are feeling so tired, you obviously have so many balls in the air that you are about to drop a few and that is probably how you should look at it - you have to admit that you cannot cope with what you are trying to deal with at the moment - not just physically but mentally too - how can you sort out a few of your worries/burdens?
You are probably becoming very forgetful as you have too much to deal with. Could you afford to pay for a childminder or a nursery for a couple of mornings a week to allow you to concentrate on the work you need to deal with for the business - could you pass your dd over to dh at least a couple of evenings a week to allow you to do some ironing (I always pick a good nights TV, head off to the bedroom armed with a bottle of wine and iron the night away). 10 months is an age when they start to know their own mind and can also be quite mobile so it is virtually impossible to get anything else done.
The constantly disturbed sleep must be a nightmare - could you increase her food intake during the day and maybe offer a light cereal meal just before bedtime to try and get her through. The cold cannot be helping at the moment so maybe you could see your doctor or chemist to get a tonic - sure there was a thread on tonics recently.
I wouldn't bother telling your dh you are tired - just tell him how fed up you feel and that if he must try and understand how you feel, because if you crack up he will have to look after dd and you too!! - leave your dd with him for as long as you can and let him see how tiring it is to look after her while trying to concentrate on work too.

Forest - well done for doing all you're doing ! But it does sound too much. I hate the idea of cc, but in your circumstances it sounds essential, and you may well find that dd is less clingy after a decent night's sleep. Hope it works for you. Could you afford a cleaner once a week to do some cleaning / tidying / ironing for you. I agree it's the least important thing and the best to let slide, but it also helps make evrything seem a bit more 'normal' when the house is tidy IME. Susan Clark website has some great tips on diet and supplements for combatting tiredness if that helps www.whatreallyworks.co.uk/start/articles.asp?article_ID=523 All the best Forest - hope you manage to get back on top of everything, and get some rest.

Dear Forest and Mum2Toby, don't know if this will help but I was in a similar position with ds a few months ago. We tried cc and it was so terrible that I would never do it again. Ds got really distressed and I felt so awful and guilty for the next few days.

Ages ago my dietician suggested giving ds water instead of feeding him at night and I didn't like the idea of that either (also thought "that's easy for her to say when she doesn't have kids of her own"!!!). As I said on a different thread, this really helped us and within a few days ds was pretty much sleeping through.

He hardly ever took much water, although he did drain the bottle a couple of times when he must have been really thirsty. The first night or two he moaned, not cried, for quiet a while, but it didn't sound like he was particularly upset to me, just grumbling a bit. Anyway I was much happier doing this than cc and it worked for us.

Agree with Jaybee too, that if your dh looks after dd for a while he should have a bit more sympathy for how exhausted you are feeling.

Hope you all manage to get a bit more sleep soon.

Thanks for your support.
With regard to her sleeping I thought I had it cracked as she slept 11 hours and then 10 hours 2 days last week and then bingo next day she has a cold and it all went pear shaped. I had managed to cut out the night feeds but with this cold I seem to be feeding her constantly. I have had a constant bedtime routine for months and months - bath, feed and bed and just recently we have started having a story. This is always sometime between 6 and 7. Occasionally I have left it a bit later. After being put to bed she is up anywhere between one and four times. Dh never goes to her as he thinks it is my responsibility. I would feel a bit of a failure if I asked someone to help out with the nights - inlaws and my dad live about an hour away but would help if asked. I really hate the idea of cc but have talked to people about it. Anyway, I think I will wait until she is better before tackling her sleep again.

It is a new business - we sell records over the internet. I am fine when we have orders but it is the marketing, advertising, accounts that I am struggling with. My mind is just not feeling creative at the moment to design more adverts and flyers (I usually enjoy it). I have always hated marketing - dh is great at making contacts and so on. I am meant to be doing the search engine side and I am not really sure where to start! My dad is coming to help me with the accounts and is pretty good at helping me run a business. I am not doing as much work as I should! I am trying to do more in the evenings and not worry about doing too much through the day.

With regards to a childminder - once I get a car (I am getting my mums old one) my friend who lives a 10 min drive away has volunteered to take dd for a few hours (her dd is a few months older and they get on very well). So I think that will be a break. I am reluctant to put her into nursery as I would be putting her with strangers plus it sounds so expensive.

I find it hard to talk to dh about his responsibilites towards his dd as I usually get the response "you wanted a baby", he didn't although I told him I wanted to stop taking the pill to see what happened and he was fine with that. He has been left with her for a total of 3 full days (one day a month) whilst I have gone of on a course. The last time he didn't cope as she was very grizzly the whole day. I did ask him this morning if he could take dd with him whilst he walked the dog but he said he hadn't got the time to take her. I think I am way too nice to him - he had a lie in both days this weekend. I can't remember the last time he got her dressed and fed her breakfast (I am not sure he ever has actually). He does give her a bath once or twice a week but I always have to ask him. I want him to just do something without having to be asked. I do get resentful that he doesn't think that I need a bit of space - I have to have showers with her, take her to the loo, in fact everywhere. Which could explain her clinginess as we are with each other so much.

Oh and yes dd is incredibly mobile - cruising round the furniture, crawling and getting into everything she shouldn't! So I do seem to spend time chasing after her.
I feel a bit better for ranting.

Forest, please don't try anything while she has a cold. When she's better though, and if she doesn't go back to sleeping through, I think a version of cc might help you. I think I did an odd version of cc - we cut out the night feeds first (totally essential IMO), then when ds woke, dh would go to him (no milk!) pat him, check him for wet, missing dummy etc, say a few comforting words and go. Then we just left him! In our defence he was more grumbly, fed up than hysterical or piteous. We left him for 20minutes, during which the crying was tailing off, not building, then he went to sleep. It was like a miracle. Then, every time we woke, dh would go in, do the pat, check, reassure routine, then leave. the crying got less and less. Within a couple of nights he wasn't waking anymore. If this sounds too harsh, you could go back at five minute intervals, then ten minutes until your dd goes to sleep. Mind you, your dd sounds on the verge of going through every night anyway, as long as she's not fed so even if you do cc I bet it will be easy. However, I am absolutely certain that had we not tackled it, my ds would still be waking at 16months and I would be certified. BTW, you ARE too nice to your dh. I feel cross on your behalf. My dh is singing Grand Old Duke of York to ds while feeding him cauliflower cheese while I tap away, accompanied by a glass of wine. I would be the most rubbish, bad tempered, horrible mother in the world if I had all your responsibilities. I truly, truly don't know how you do it. You are NOT a failure if you ask for help. Even with dh here and sharing responsibilities we asked my mum to sleep over a couple of nights so we could get some uninterrupted sleep. It's very, very hard not to sleep.

A bit of a breakthrough - dh said he would go and see to dd in the night once her cold has gone. We are going to try her with a bit of water first. He says I need to plan it though.
He is also going to look into going part-time so he can spend more time on the business. He does realise I am not able to do as much as I could and he says he gets upset that he is always asking me to do stuff.
Anyway, feeling better today as dd only woke once at 3.30am and went back to sleep within 30 mins.
Maybe I should spend less time on mumsnet!!

Forest - that does all sound very positive. I think your DH is right about the need to plan - re the night wakings and both be clear on a joint policy. You don't want to end up arguing about it in the middle of the night, half awake with a screaming child in the next room... (you woouldn't guess I've been there would you? )

AAh Bozza - Me too.... and still am there sometimes.

Forest - Glad to hear your dh is finally admitting some responsibility! Good luck. Please let me know how it goes, I'm very interested to know if this works for you.

cc- works for some not others. Worked a treat- easy peezy with ds1. Ds2- absolutely not. Hasn't worked at all.
Forest you have my sympathy. ds2 is now 13 months and has slept through once. Ds1 has autism so I need my rest as I'm pretty much on the go during the day (and will get worse probaably as we plan to HE ds1). Anyway we've solved our sleep problme by kicking dh out of bed -he's in the spare room- and then when ds2 wakes up (uusually around 1ish) he comes in with me. Originally dh was starting in our bed and then moving- now he just starts in the spare room. I have just found out (after a horrendous couple of weeks put down to teething - that ds2 has thrush so we're treating that at the moment). I still bfeed at night as well- but i just doze whilst ds2 gets on with it. If cc doesn't work for you then just find a way to get sleep and to hell with it if other people disapprove. (My othe problem is that if ds2 wakes ds1 then ds1 is awake for 2 hours and then tired and then headbangy and his whole routine is out).And an advantage? Ds2 doesn't snore lihe dh!!!

Have to admit that I always did the cc or dummy cold turkey when dh was away - he is too much of a soft touch and would give in which meant that we would end up arguing in the middle of the night.

Forest if your dh hadn't said he'd get up in the night I think I would have been round to your place to slap him! You wanted a baby?! does he not realise that if he hadn't he could have said NO? I have no idea how you have coped so well so far. dd is 9 months, has slept through since 3 months (apart from the odd cold), is now at nursery full time so I can work, and my dh does lots, and I still feel like shit. You sound like superwoman compared to me.
Ok - to try to help. We didn't have to do cc as such, but would leave dd to cry for up to 20mins, as long as it was grumbling and "come and get me now because I'm cross" rather than really upset crying. You need to get some extra sleep - wil your dd take a bottle? If so, make dh get up with her one morning this weekend and look after her until 12 whilst you have a long lie in. Everything will seem better after that.
Then to make you feel more awake. Drink lots of water, no coffee or tea (this is a bit do as I say not as I do as I am a complete caffeine freak, but it is v.v.v. bad for you). Exercise. your dd is old enough that she will probably find joining in with an exercise video extremely amusing. alternatively try a yoga class - 'm not sure where you are but there are lots in London that encourage to take your baby aong - all the kids tend to crawl around together in the middle - it's not particularly calming but can be fun.
If dd gets invited to lots of things, is there anything that you can leave her at whilst you go off and relax ?

Forest, you sound wonderful, I have two children, 1 4yrs and another 10months (who has never slept through). I get up every morning with dd2 at 4.30-5am and dh always seems to want the lie in as he works. He doesn't work 9-5 he works the funny continental shifts. Therefore I rarely get a lie in and as mentioned on a previous thread I am a TOTAL control freak and cannot stand a thing out of place ( I even hate 4yr olds bedroom being a mess, but then again doc says it's due to my PND), however you manage to do the things you do I will never know, I am shattered and sat in the chair with a head like a nodding dog by 4pm.

I also totally sympathise with how you feel towards your dh. Whenever I say I feel shattered it always turns into a competition because he has worked he feels more tired. Yet when I say he can have the kids for the full day he suddenly has to go into work for a meeting. When I have cold, he does. When I have toothache, he does. When I have headache, he does, the only thing I can get away with is PMT (with which he dared not answer back as I am truly evil, even my best mate won't have anything to do with me).

I don't have any suggestions about feeling more awake but in my opinion you are given half as much credit as you should be

Well, I've just found out why I have been so exhausted. I'm PREGNANT! Came as a bit of a shock but pretty happy about it. Remembering back to the first time I was pregnant I do remember having a week of complete exhaustion - I put it down to having an excessive weekend last time. I don't think I would have thought I was pregnant but for the fact a friend who has just given birth asked if I could be when I was complaining to her how I felt, so I did a test.

I am now full of energy, really excited and all the opposites to what I was complaining about a week ago!

dd has got over her cold and is settling back into her routine - going to try cutting out the night feeds this week (again!). I'll see how her sleeping is after that - I agree Aloha that it seems pointless doing cc if you haven't cut out the feeds.

Chiccadum - If I had to get up at that time in the morning I would be wiped out by 11am not 4pm! I've been thinking maybe I'm a bit of a control freak as well, not with regards to cleaning mind as I have a high tolerance for mess, but with dd. I think only I can sort her out and so do take over.

Prufrock - definately not superwomen, I think I would find it much harder having to deal with a baby and go out to work.

Jimjams - I was co-sleeping with dd and moved her out into her room the beginning of the year and promptly fell pregnant (is there some moral there!). I do bring her into bed if she wakes up at say 4 or 5am and feed her back to sleep. This has been commented on disapprovingly but I don't really care as long as we are all happy. When are you planning to HE? I have just started going along to some meetings with some other interested people to see what might be set up.

Anyway, think I am rambling. Thanks again for suggestions. Good luck to the other mums who haven't had a nights sleep. We had a teenage cousin come to stay the other week and she didn't get up until midday so they obviously sleep at some point!!!!!

Forest, congratulations! And lucky you, if you only get one week of total exhaustion per pregnancy.