need to confess my binge eating

[justcantstop]

When I was a teenager I had anorexia, then it moved on to bulimia.

In the last 3years this has changed to binge eating. As a former annorexic it sickens me, I cant understand how someone who used to control thier food as well as I did is now like this.

Heres what I have had today -

2slices bread with spread
banana
glass fresh oj

3 break sticks

slice of bread, lentil pastie

(that was breakfast, snack and lunch)

then it all went wrong -

kitkat chunky
caramel bar
1/2 tin of beans
6 mini scotch eggs
2 bowls of cereal

And this is a good day - a very good day.

I cant go to my dr - I just cant. I have tried everything. I do exercise and I suppose that helps my weight, I am 12stone just now but am only 5ft4 so looks big on me and I am clinically obese.

Has anyone got through this? Please tell me I am not alone. This is the first time I have ever confessed this - never even admitted it on a message board before.

I try I swear I try, but even if i have a good couple of days I go back. I think about food and eating almost constantly - almost as much as i did as an anorexic.

The splitting up the day idea is really good, since Im having a bad day today I have written a list with every hour, and each hour I manage not to binge I will tick.

I have just melted all my ice cream and poured it down the sink, and thrown choccy in the bin (not in the packet because then I would just get it out later, but broken up right in the middle o a revolting bin, which I will put outside soon)

Hello Justcantstop and all others, I've never written this down or said it out loud but I'm a compulsive eater too. I have made myself sick after binges but haven't done that for a few years...I still binge eat though. I started when I was a teenager, I grew up with domestic violence and think it was linked to that.

I wish I knew how to go about stopping, I can eat healthily for a day or two and I feel so great, but I can never keep it up.

allinaheap I too grew up with domestic violence and think it was indirectly linked to that especially the annorexia - the eating was something I could control.

I have now eaten normally - no binges for 3 days. Now this could be a complete coincidence but last 2 days my depression has made a come back (before I was fine really it was under control) so am struggling now. I keep thinking about home life stuff from when I was younger - not conciously thinking of it, it just keeps popping in to my head making me very sad. Am trying to keep as busy as humanly possible so I CANT think. I dont know if its worth going to gp, feel she wouldnt do anything...maybe offer to refer or something. I need assistance now, just moral support I guess. Desperate not to fail.

Have managed to not have any binges again today so far, am eating ALOT but its not binges its controlled more, and I weighed myself this morning and i have lost 4lb. That proves even though I am eating very often then I am eating less calories that when bingeing.

Worried about the depression thing, was again low today went for a 1/2 hour very brisk walk and that helped.

Since the 23rd I havent had a binge I am so very very impressed with myself.

I havent gone this long in ages, especially without not doing a rediculas diet and starving myself.

I have been eating healthily - what I have been doing is not letting myself get hungry. As soon as I start to get hngry and it isnt a meal tie I have a snack - oatcakes, rice cakes, fruit or fresh orange juice. Its working well. But I have also been having treats too - one every day, this might seem a lot but compared with eating huge volumes of crap its amazing, and to be able to just have ONE and stop at one is something I have struggled with in the past, its been an all/nothing approach.

Treats I have had are -

ice cream cone
mcds milkshake
1/2 a pizza (from dominos, shared with friend)
caramel shortcake while out with my gran.

Usually Id have starved myself in the morning so I could have had the caramel shortcake with gran (she would get upset if I didnt eat something) and then id have felt guilty eating it, then thought omg I want more, gone to the shops myself later, bought lots of cake and eaten it. While eating it I though "im going to go to tesco and buy cake" but I realised that was rediculas, and when I was leaving my gran I ate a pack of oatcakes from my bag instead, and craving for cake went.

I prob am eating quite a lot still, but Im not botheres because its healthier stuff, so frankly I dont care.

Actually Im going to post the sort of things I am eating and see how much you think it is away from a normal diet, I genuinely dont know whats normal.

breakfast - 2 slices brown bread with low far spread, 1 banana, glass of fresh orange juice and a cup of tea.

snack - 5 oat cakes, cup of tea

lunch - a bowl full of pasta with mushrooms and sweetcorn. glass of water. an apple.

snack - pack of raisins, 5 oat cakes

dinner - 2 slices toast with beans and cheese. 2 mini yoghurts. fresh orange juice.

evening - 2 packs snack a jacks. 5 oatcakes. cup of tea. glass of water.

(I rely on the oatcakes ALOT to prevent binges)

good for you justcantstop

that sounds normal to me. Ok rather a lot of oatcakes but they are your "crutch" at the moment and a good idea they are too it seems.

I struggled for years with anorexia (hospitalsed twice, force fed, totally knocked out on drugs for a month at one stage and not allowed to leave the bed - I hope they way they managre these things has changed!), then bulimia and then binge eating too, so very similar

in my case the "cure" came in a rather sad way - my mum died and I think the trauma shocked me out of it, or else it made me rapidly put everything into perspective (or else my eating issues were bound up in my relationship with her - very likely)

I agree with the folk who find ADs help. I've been on ADs for depression now for almost a year and recently found myself wondering if they would have helped at anytime in my long career with EDs. I think they would. I think I was always low grade chronically depressed, shy and lacking in confidence etc etc - all stuff a mild AD might have helped with. But then Ads in the 80s weren't what they are today.

You said teh depression was back after you stopped binge eating. Has that eased? It would make sense to me as by not binge eating you weren't using distraction tactics. Please watch teh depression side of things and if necessary go talk to your gp about ADs to get you through. Is your GP sympathetic? Might be worth a chat as I've found my GP to be a lifeline in the last year, and I never would have expected it. Indeed it took me getting to a very low stage to be able to bring it up at all.

ANyway , its a bit of a ramble but hope helpful in some way.

Good luck, and keep posting. You can do this you know.