How do families manage urgent medical care without nearby childcare?

[MixedBananas]

Me and DH and 2 DC under the age of 5 and live remotely in Wales, very small town. All my family are in England SW over 3.5/4hrs away. DH has no family in the UK no close relatives but has resided in said town for over 20years. His Distant relatives live in London & Sheffield.
When we have urgent medical issues we have to drag the kids with us to apts. We have no one we trust to look after the kids and sometimes we postpone attending A&E due to lack of childcare. E.g I had a bad car accident and refused an ambulance as I wasn't able to bring the kids with me and their Dad was 1 hour away at work. I later went to A&E with the kids in tow as DH drove me and I had a small fracture.

How do others cope with it? If we lived down the road from a Foundation Trust no worries but we are 45mins drive over 30miles away from local A&E. All our local hospitals have downgraded to minor injuries only and working hours.
When I was younger this was never an issue. Our local town hospital was a major A&E with Drs. If anything they couldn't handle they would transfer you by Ambulance so never affected my parents. We were al born at said hospital it was convenient and nwver disrupted ofhers lives.

How to others cope who have no family the village doesn't exist? I am struggling. We can not afford to move closer to family. Rent is 4 / 5 X the amount SW England.

‘We have no one we can trust to look after the kids’: well, this is the problem, isn’t it? Everyone knows the saying that it takes a village to raise a child and it is so true. Why don’t you trust anyone? Haven’t you got friends/ a local childminder who can have them for a bit? I get not leaving babies with just anyone but once they are toddlers and above, you need other people in your inner circle otherwise this is only going to get tougher. Get out there and make friends!

Are you both in poor health? How often have you each needed to attend a&e?

do you have friends?

We have luckily done very few A/E visits over the years. If not very urgent we would wait to see a GP.

We would have handed the children to friends and their parents. We have also always looked after friends from playgroup/nursery/school if needed.
We would properly call the babysitter and see if she was available.

We lived 15 yo in UK with no family having 3 children as we came to work. Just had to work it out.

Honestly the only solution to this is to make your own village. Neighbours, friends, childminders, babysitters and so on.

I appreciate this network doesn't happen over night but you both need to make an effort to create a village.

I don't have family. My daughter is 4. I have friends I've had since we started baby classes when she was 8 weeks old. Those are the people I rely on and vice versa. We see each other every week.

I could also ask my neighbour if it was a last resort too.

Number of options:

paid childcare eg
https://sitters.co.uk/

get family up
make a village

when my twins were two I had series of operations.

if the risk to your health/life is large enough you do need to find someone.

You have a few options

You and your DH need to work in a very short distance from one another in roles that can easily be packed up for the day if the need arises.

You need to make friends so that when these emergencies do occur you have a bank of people you can rely on.

You find paid for nanny/ babysitter /childminder that your kids can get to know regularly who are happy to be relied on in an emergency.

Friends.

I’ve only been living in this location for 7 years, knew no one before living here. In laws have since moved closer but before this, i did have an evening where i needed an ambulance and DH was 2 hours away. I called a friend who came. My youngest was 5 months old.

We had no family nearby when the DC were small, so we very deliberately built a network of friendly aquaintances/ neighbours/ friends who also had children the same age, and made sure to do them favours so that if we had to ask (which we very occasionally did, though more for logistical than health reasons) we didn't slip into owing everyone and seem like CFs.

It worked pretty well, but also DH and I were both aware that if one of us did have a medical issue the other would be looking after the kids not staying with the partner (potentially picking up or visiting with the kids but definitely not two adults sitting in a waiting room - we had four children in seven years). We had two children admitted to hospital in emergency circumstances over the course of four children growing up, and were each once in hospital (one car accident, one illness) each time the parent not in hospital stayed with the other children. I also went to my pregnancy scans for the younger ones on my own, although his parents travelled to look after the older children for births we had neighbours and friends on standby.

I did think I would get a reaponse like this was going to add more context but I thought the stated No village nearby was obvious.

But no, no friends local. I have tried to make friends. Attending Mums groups and giving out my number, volunteering. But as I am a different ethnicity and religion I have been shunned from the groups. The community is 100% white non religious.
And No, Language is not an issue.just becuase I practice my faith. I was born in the UK.
Even as a introvert I forced myself to be extroverted. In the 5years i have lived here I have attended all groups and always friendly at the parks etc. I have suggested playdates and such but no one is interested. I have now given up trying to make "friends" as it is obvious we are not wanted. Even with full attendance to groups when we miss a few days due to illness or said car accident no one enquired or gave a crap. Seeing the same mums for years and it is obvious we are not wanted.

Babysitter I would have to know reccomended through a "friend" I wouldn't hire willy nilly a stranger.

You make friends

We have 'no one'

Except in an emergency I have 2 childminders I have built relationships with and 3 local friends who I could ask.
These are 3 friends who I have also done things for.
Between the 5 of them I imagine I could.get cover.

Recently I had 3 heart surgeries in a 12m period while youngest was between 1-2. he took a days annual leave for the first one so he was there before and when i came round but I basically sorted myself out pre and post op(a porter took me to an uber) and dh looked after the kids.

Edit
just saw your update... I feel this isnt a logistical problem its a much deepr more emotional /painful problem.

Is this your way of looking for permission to move?
If you feel this way are you concerned your kids will be on the receiving end of similiar treatment?
Do you feel you can move? If yes, what's stopping you? If no, what's stopping you?

no just unfortunate and unlucky. I.was T boned on a 60mile road by an under the influence teen. My DH had a acute attack if Kidneystone / Appendicities randomly at 3am in the morning.

My long life friends live in Slough, London, Portsmouth I have lived in Wales for 5 years. Tried to make friends. Neighbours are cold. E.g neighbour had a baby thought perfect time time to inteoduce myself (after 2 months of living here) wrote a card and gave my number if any help needed, knocked no response so left card in the lwtterbox and gave a gift card and chcolates. They ignored it and never heard from them. Even came face to face with them and they acted like we do not exist. Even saying hello. And yes only 1 mwter from each other.
I wear Hijab I am Muslim but I grew uol p neighbourly thats all I know so experincing this is alien to me. I grew up with community. We have not been fortunate with the renters next door. Isolated and cold and rude they come and go after a years contract.

Some people in small villages are very cliquey regardless of religion. I have London friends who have found it unwelcoming in Wales so I don't envy you.
Is there any chance of relocating back towards Slough....I think your happiness generally is more important, especially if life is lonely on a day to day basis.

Are you tied to this location for work? Even if you don't have any urgent medical appointments in the next 10 years it doesn't sound like a good place for your family.

If you dislike it as much as you seem to from your post I would be moving. Is there a specific reason you chose this location? It sounds like an unpleasant place for your children to grow up.

You're going to get lots of people saying build you own village, this only works where there are a significant number of people around you who also don't have family nearby and so also are trying to build a village. I'm guessing you live somewhere where everyone already has their own support network of relatives and so you end up feeling bad because as the outsider you are the only one asking for favours but everyone else just asks their Mum or Aunty or whatever. Been there done that. The realistic answer is that you struggle on dragging multiple kids to appointments and being judged by healthcare professionals who say things like 'don't you have anyone to look after your child while you have a smear' (no, and she only came out of my vagina 6 months ago so I don't think being in the room when you look at it is going to scar her), only asking people to babysit when you absolutely can't manage it between you until the kids are old enough for it not to be a problem anymore. And when your eldest turns 16 you celebrate and start going out regularly for the first time in years.

So this is not a cheerful post but it is is a 'I see you sister' post and please know there are people who understand how hard it can be and throwing around trite answers like 'build a village' is not always that easy. But it's a season and it will pass.

We just take the DC. We have a grab bag with snacks and books etc in it. We typically go to a&e for them so have to drag both along, but they have also had to come to mri scans for me and smear tests.

You need to move, this place is not the right fit for your family at all.

Same situation here. We are stuck living somewhere because of my husbands work far away from anyone. People saying ‘make friends’ like it’s that easy, we’re both autistic and it’s impossible. If you haven’t lived it you can’t understand.

I am in poor health. We have two toddlers with special needs. If me or DH has an appointment or needs A&E then the other has to drop everything to have the kids. We schedule what we can around planned childcare obviously. If one of the kids needs A&E then again one of us takes them and the other drops everything to look after the other one. I work freelance so most of my work can be rescheduled fairly easily but it’s harder for DH.

There are no easy solutions, I wish there was. I am desperate to move closer to family. Life is very hard.

How come your husband lived somewhere for 20 years and not made one single friend? Are you only living there because of him/his work?

I’ll probably get flamed for this but building a village usually means having a group of people who have shared values. Your hijab, in a small rural community, indicates that you have values different to the majority of people there, values that treat women differently to the way men are treated. Do you think this might play into it?

We choose and pay extra to live 5 minutes from a hospital because we don't have much support. Being so central means other services are more easily available too

It doesn’t sound like a nice place for you to live. Can you plan to move nearer your family and support?

I’m sorry you’re struggling. My husband and I are immigrants and have 2 kids so I do understand. I think inherently you are living in the wrong place and should look to move. Your religion is important to you and you should be somewhere with a community around you. Not that you can’t have friends from different backgrounds and religions, but most religious observance is a social situation and it’s sad that you’re cut off from that.

Pragmatically we just prioritised living in a city with hospitals. I had long Covid for two years and had multiple a&e visits for a while. My husband would work from home and I’d take a taxi. If it’s one of the kids, one of us takes them in and the other stays home. We have a small village now but I wouldn’t expect anyone to help if someone is poorly - no one wants to share germs. My husband travels with work frequently so if he’s away it’s just me. I work full time but have prioritised a manageable job with a kind boss - I’ll never be wealthy but I also never worry about taking a day off if my kids are sick.