Feeling exhausted, lonely and flat at 59 - is this normal?

[ShitEverywhere]

This might be long. I just can’t be bothered with anything at all. I’m 59 and lately I’m just wondering what the point is.

The last ten years have included a very acrimonious divorce from a difficult man. One child having a serious health condition and needing constant support, now doing much better but still learning to manage their health, second child is well. I have a great relationship with them both, neither of them have anything to do with their dad. I’ve had cancer, my best friend died from cancer. Left a job I loved because of a toxic takeover (as did ten of my team). Have a new job which is ok, just ok.

My energy levels are poor and while I work f/t I don’t have a lot of energy for other things so my friendships have dwindled tbh. I get up early and also go to bed early so during the week all I do is work.

Family are not on my doorstep, everyone living their own lives with little connection. I do try to maintain a relationship with my brother but it’s a one way street, he might make an effort to meet up once or twice a year.

I downsized earlier this year to a bungalow, still three bedrooms for DC, but fewer rooms and a smaller garden, left the town for a village as I wanted to reduce my mortgage, will be lovely once I’ve renovated it which will take another six months.

I have just joined a gym again with a view to swimming twice a week, there are a couple of other things I like to do, energy permitting.

I did have a couple of sessions with a counsellor who thought I was ok, she thought that my biggest issue was that I felt I was lacking connection. I agree, I feel quite lonely despite keeping up appearances at work, at home with DCs when they are here. I miss my best friend.

Is how I feel, knackered, dragging myself through every day, struggling to see joy anywhere, normal? Everyone thinks I’m ok, I put on a good front. I’ve always coped with life but I’m really fed up.

I have thought about menopause too. No period for more than a year, I have got really poor sleep and am drenched with sweat every night.

My GP didn’t think I was depressed when I went a couple of months ago, recommended things like yoga (do it if I have the energy).

You've had a tough time so this doesn't surprise me. Often nothing stays the same in terms of how you feel that's reactive to things you've been through. For me when I had a tough spell in my life it was riding out time and the good days and memories finally came again. Perhaps a new interest which could open up something in your life.n I have just seen this silent disco near me where a group of people go up in the moors at night with glow sticks and headphones.. it grabbed my interest. See what's going on in the local area, you might be surprised. If things don't pick up however don't hesitate to go back to your GP.

I’m sorry you’re feeling so flat, I do think the life events with your ex, ill child and the loss of your friend, not to mention your own cancer, are all things that will have a deep effect on you. I wonder if a more sympathetic therapist may be able to help you unpick some of this.

With regard to the energy levels, I am also 59 and menopausal, HRT has been a game changer and I have no intention of giving it up! I take oestrogel, testosterone and progesterone, but having had cancer you may need to discuss what is most appropriate with your gp.

The other thing that helps massively even though I don’t always feel like it is exercise. I do resistance training at the gym and also do some dumbbell workouts at home (Joe Wicks Body Coach on YouTube but there are loads if he doesn’t suit you!) I also do yoga and lots of walking. I have never not felt better after exercising!

I’m sure others will have lots of ideas too. I hope you find something that works for you and that you feel better soon.

Am feeling the same at 54. I too have had a bumpy few years. The body keeps the score.

Pl consider HRT..Also solo travel if you can

You’ve had a difficult time. Don’t underestimate the combined effect of everything. Moving house alone is regarded as a major life stressor. 💐

I had a major energy dip at your age. Paying for the Zoe app was not cheap and I thought my diet was reasonable already but it subtly overhauled my eating. This helped my energy levels enough to get exercising again.

The second thing is I bought a fitness tracker. One of the cheaper Fitbits measure things like steps, sleep, heart rate, and give you a daily readiness score. This was pivotal as I was finding that I was doing far more than I realised and needed to ease up some days in order to recover. If you’ve downsized, is dropping a day at work a possibility? Also, do you need to prioritise getting a holiday?

HRT might also be a possibility to explore.

I agree with the previous poster about doing new things to meet like minded people, even if it’s something low key like joining a book group or going to a Meet Up. Is there a tool lending library near you? These kinds of projects might be good to get to know locals, and could also help with your home renovation.

I think it’s ok to let your kids know that you’re feeling a bit flat and see what they say. I hear that one of your DC is themselves struggling but sometimes, people still like to be confided in and feel helpful, even if it’s just listening. At our age, the dynamic should be shifted from parents helping kids to mutual support.

Your last line is absolutely true

I have spent too much time supporting my kids and I have now told them I am focusing on myself.
.

I feel the same at 42. I don’t know if it’s so much about age (though of course it has some impact on our physical capacity), as it is about long term stress.

I’ve had a number of ongoing stressful situations gradually chip away for about 6 years. Going on HRT helped me a bit as I do have significant symptoms of perimenopause, but I’ve kind of accepted that I may not regain my energy and myself back until I’m out of the other end of these circumstances, and I’ve had some time after that to regulate and recover.

I’m sorry for you - it’s not fun, and life starts feeling like a trap. Hope you experience some change (and some joy!) soon.

Also just to add: have you had a recent full blood count? Mine showed low vitamin d and low ferritin so I’m now supplementing. These things can be very impactful too.

Well there's a lot going on, isn't there, and I think your therapist was right in identifying your lack of connection, as that is something you highlight yourself. You've been through a traumatic time, you've also been through menopause, your DC have left home, you've moved house to a new area, you're too tired to socialise much and you have a job that takes all your energy during the week. TBH, it's not surprising that you feel the way you do. I would do two things, to start with.

Firstly, make an appointment with your GP and ask to try HRT. I couldn't function without it and you clearly need it. Tell the GP about your night sweats, exhaustion, poor sleep and low mood. They are all well-known symptoms of menopause (as are your now absent periods) and good reasons to go on HRT. Hopefully, once you've found a type and a dosage that works, it will help you to feel considerably better.

And secondly, use that gym membership and start swimming twice a week, or just go for a walk every day - it doesn't have to be far - is there a little park or somewhere to could walk to and around near your new house? You may even meet some other locals to say 'Hello' to, small interactions that might help to further lift your mood and help you feel a bit connected to your new area.

Thank you everyone for being kind.

I think I will ask about HRT. No one has ever suggested it. I’ll ask for a full blood count too.

I found/am finding my house move truly knackering, getting rid of decades worth of stuff (I bought my marital home). I moved to a doer upper save money and reduce my mortgage by half. I am sure I will feel quite positive about it when it is done. I’m not doing any of the work myself, so part of the timeline is waiting for builders to be available.

I do have an apple watch but rarely wear it because it needs charging daily. I should probably buy a different type of tracker. I absolutely know I don’t move enough. I do three days a week office, on those days I leave home at 7:15, drive, park, sit at my desk all day and drive home, arriving back at 6:30, cook, eat, potter and go to bed by 9:30 at the latest, probably doing 3500 steps at the very most.

I have a couple of fitness subscriptions which I don’t use very often 😬. I agree I should look for outside classes to meet people.

I can afford to drop a day at work income wise, but I’m focusing on putting as much money as I can into my pension tbh and also paying off my mortgage which I hope to do in four years. Also, given that I feel quite lonely I’d rather keep going to work until I feel more connected with people. I do work with a decent team of people.

I’ve thought about solo travel and I’m not sure it appeals right now, I think I would just feel isolated, I know that’s my problem and lots of people do it (I did it a lot in my 20s).

My diet is mostly ok I think, interesting about Zoe, I’ll read about it. Are Zoe’s recommendation easily achievable? I tend to cook quick low effort meals, last night I cooked a salmon fillet with lemon and butter in the oven with some rocket dressed with olive oil, lemon juice, salt and pepper.

Thank you all again 💐.

I agree with this too. I was feeling shattered two years ago, regardless of how well rested I was, and a blood test revealed a ferritin level of 8, which is almost non-existent (ferritin being the iron stored in the body, different from haemoglobin, the iron in the blood). I also had very low folic acid (vit B9) and low B12. If you have the NHS app you can view your own blood test results and they helpfully give them on a scale, so you can see where your results sit within the low/healthy/high range. All mine were low or very low and I've been on supplements for a while now.

However, if your results are low or very low (and the NHS says that anything above 10 is acceptable for ferritin, but 10 is a very low reading and not a healthy level, so just be aware of this), you can get an infusion at private clinics. If you have ferritin below I think 25, you can get an iron infusion and if I'd known that two years ago that's what I would've got, rather than taking tablets every day, which can cause constipation and take months to raise your ferritin levels. You can also get a Vit B12 shot, again a very fast way to up your levels if they are low or very low.

I do get b12 injections every 8 weeks on the NHS, the increased frequency was prescribed by a haematologist. Cancer related fatigue is a thing. It can last years but I’m six years on. Tbh it’s the flatness that’s worsened. I’ve sort of learned to pace myself post illness.

Re the Zoe app, I had a look just now for some information to post, and it seems that the testing and the app has changed quite a lot since I did it.

https://www.griffenfitness.com/blog/an-honest-review-of-zoe

I found it helpful but having read the above review, I don’t know if I would still find the new version useful enough to justify the cost. Perhaps if you already eat well, there are better things to focus on for now, and then revisit later.

The inspire 3 Fitbit stays charged for about a week, which is much better battery life than the Apple Watch if you want to go down the tracker route.

You’ve carried an enormous amount over the past decade. Given everything you’ve been through, feeling exhausted, lonely, and flat sounds like a very understandable response rather than a personal failing. The lack of connection, grief, poor sleep, and possible menopausal symptoms could all be contributing. Be kind to yourself.

Thank you @Wajeehakamran and @Bikenutz .

I have downloaded the Zoe app and signed up for a 7 day trial. I don’t need to lose weight so just focused on energy, mood and sleep.

I have got a slim Fitbit somewhere, I can’t remember which one it is, I bought it when I gave up on my Apple Watch last year. I have got a really nice watch which I love and wear every day and gave up on the Fitbit. I’ll have a look for it.