I have had toenail issues for a while. For about a year, the big toenail on my right foot has been splitting down the middle with a black line going through it. The big toe on my left foot also has a split, all the way down to the nailbed, although no black line, and both these nails have partially lifted and come away at different times. I’ve been back and forth to my gp, had samples sent in to test for fungal infections twice: they’re very clear there is no fungus, and whilst I’m fairly sure they don’t test for bacterial infection my gp seems pretty clear that’s not it either. The not- fungal results surprised me as my toenails do seem to have become thickened and quite crumbly. Last month my gp referred me to dermatology; I had a phone consultation with them last week having also sent photos in and they have said I now need an in person appointment, which makes sense.
I have become increasingly scared I have cancer. This has got markedly worse over the weekend as in all my reading to try and prove to myself that it is vanishingly unlikely that I have cancer, I am finding the opposite: they talk about dark lines that don’t go away (check), splitting toenails without fungus or trauma (check), thickening and crumbling toenails not caused by fungus (check), nails lifting from the nailbed not caused by fungus or trauma (check)… It seems to me at this point that I have almost every symptom of toenail cancer! I had unrelated surgery in October and my bloods were fine, which makes me think the other explanations I was hanging on to are unlikely (iron deficiency, other vitamin deficiency, thyroid issues)- although I am trying to make myself believe it is one of those and the bloods I had for the operation just were not looking for those things.
There has been a whole load of stress and upset for my family over the past few years. My dad has had oesophageal cancer and been very unwell; the chemo and radiotherapy do seem to have worked and he has had clear scans and bloods for the 18 months since, but my mum has really not coped well with it all (understatement and totally understandably!) and I just cannot burden either of them with my worry about this. My eldest son has had repeated, escalating contact with the criminal justice system and is now (rightfully) in custody with all the impact that has had on the rest of us and I just cannot add another big worry to my husband’s load right now: I am sure he would want me to talk to him and not feel I couldn’t, but I just cannot have another ‘hey so this is the latest in our list of shit things and worries’ conversation with him at this point, I just cannot. My best friends have their own awful things they are dealing with. I don’t feel I can tell anyone.
I want to be told this is a thyroid or iron or vitamin issue, or that I just have the bad luck to have weird nails. I can almost convince myself it must be thyroid related when I read about that, because over the past couple of years I am always cold when no one else is, I have become so very tired, my skin other than my face is really dry, I get numb and tingly fingers and I have found it really hard to not gain weight... but my gp seemed so sure that the bloods etc done pre surgery would have shown if something was going on, and I can’t work out from googling whether routine pre op bloods do or do not include results that would indicate a thyroid problem.
Mostly I really just need to get these words out and am struggling with there not being anyone close enough to share this worry with that I feel able to share it with... But if you can also reassure me that I am making a mountain out of a molehill and that thyroid or vitamin deficiency or plain old aging nails are much likelier explanations and tell me why that is I would be so so grateful.