Mum’s change in behaviour

[nowayho]

My Mum’s behaviour has recently changed. She started messaging me constantly asking if I’m ok. If I didn’t respond within 2 minutes, she’d ring me around 10 times. She would also run up to my house to check that I was ok & was convinced that I was really upset.

I also noticed that she was getting quite confused over small things & was really forgetful.

My Dad told me she was really depressed and anxious, but not to ask her about it.

She has lost a horrendous amount of weight. She was too thin anyway, but now her legs are like sticks. When I last saw her, I noticed that she clearly hadn’t washed her hair in ages & she also smelt of BO. Not to be rude, but she looked like she was living on the streets. She looks absolutely awful & looks really, really ill.

When we meet, I can see she’s confused and struggles to make decisions. Most of the time she doesn’t even talk. She sits there while I talk at her. She doesn’t pick up on social cues anymore & overstayed her welcome at my house the other day. She used to stay for maybe a hour max, whereas she stayed for hours and showed no signs of leaving. She kept saying she was going to leave, but didn’t. It was v out of character for her to stay this long & in the end I had to ask her to leave. She looked confused and said ‘do you want me to leave, love’ several times before leaving.

My Dad has been very vague about what’s been going on with her, so I rang him today. It turns out that it’s way worse than I thought. He said she walked to town at 9am the other day. He saw her at 12 and she ducked down trying to hide from him. He asked her later on why she was there at 12 & it turns out that she had been walking along the street back and forth for 3 hours. She goes to the laundrette but walks back and forth several times before actually making it to the laundrette. She has forgotten how to do basic things. She’s forgotten how to use the oven, computer, phone, how to cook etc. Her anxiety is off the charts. He said she will spend 2 days mulling over responding to a text. She starts messaging back several times but keeps saying it’s not right & then deletes it again. She’s burning meals & tries to re-cook meat that she’s already cooked.

Im sure there were more examples.

I was under the impression that she was ‘just’ depressed, but this behaviour is insane. I told him he needs to take her to a doctor because he’s the one witnessing all of this. he said she’s been for a thyroid test and they’re waiting for the results. I’m no Dr, but I’m assuming all of this can’t be caused by a dodgy thyroid? She is having counselling already. I assume that she is having this for depression. I would be very, very shocked if she’s mentioned all of her other odd behaviours. My Dad is being very passive about this and says they will just wait for the test results and see how the counselling is going. I feel like I need to take action, however I’m not the one witnessing all of this. My Dad needs to do something. If she were to tell me about any of this, then I could take action. She’s obviously not going to tell me. I’m not sure what to do or what this could be. A friend thinks it may be psychosis as she works in a surgery and sees this sort of thing regularly.

Grateful for any advice or what this could be?!

Sorry, I didn’t realise that was so long. Just wanted to get all the info in.

Please take her to the doctor yourself and tell him everything you’ve told us. It sounds like the start of dementia but there could be a physical cause for it as well. You’ll need to advocate for her and the doctors will understand. They’ll do loads of tests before referring her on anywhere else. In the meantime, I’m sorry you’re all going through this. Hugs and 💐for you.

Urine infection, mental illness or dementia. She needs a drs appointment

@Moomin2025Thanks so much. I did think of dementia as well. I’m going to message her later and ask to meet up so she can tell me everything. I think if I push a little then she might tell me some of it, or she might not.
I’m hoping she will let me take her to the Dr.

I’m quite angry at my Dad for not doing anything. It leaves it for me to sort out. I have 3 kids, one of which is 3 months old. This should be him sorting it, but he genuinely sounds as if he doesn’t think it’s a huge deal.

There may be other explanations but a lot of this sounds very similar to my DM who is being assessed for dementia. Looking back there were signs a long time before she admitted it but my Dad covered a lot of it up and they both found all sorts of other excuses. It's only since DF passed away that she's been unable to pretend and has agreed seeking help. My advice would be to keep a note book with details of any unusual behaviour that you see or hear about (including odd things she says to you) with dates and details as far as you can. It's harder for other family members to pretend it's all fine when you have a record to show it's not just one-off forgetfulness and it also makes it easier if/when you are discussing it with HCPs. If you don't think your parents will agree to arrange to see a GP specifically about dementia concerns you could contact your GP to give them details of your concerns (making it clear you are not expecting them to disclose anything to you) and ask if they might be able to invite her in for a general health check.

Or he could be very scared. I’m not excusing his behaviour, but both my dad and brother left getting a diagnosis and all the care to me. It wasn’t because they couldn’t be bothered but they’re both terrified of what was happening to her. So like you, I’m left to deal with it all because I’ll take my head out of the sand and they won’t.

once you get a diagnosis, contact age uk who offer great support and can point you in the direction of lots of services.

You should be furious with him, he is neglecting his wife who he has a duty of care to.
Make the appointment, she clearly needs to see a doctor asap.

I will speak with her tomorrow and book an appointment.

I am angry with my Dad and just generally confused how he’s not taking it seriously & how he’s hidden it from us for so long.

How awful for you. She needs a dementia assessment but id also want an urgent brain scan as frontal lobe problems including tumours can present in this way. Hope you get on ok today

I think it’s denial sometimes that prevents people from seeking help for this kind of thing. Your dad probably doesn’t want to consider that the person he loves could have dementia and so is minimising the symptoms and focussing on any other possible cause, however unlikely. I’m sure he isn’t deliberately neglecting her.

call your mums GP practice and relay your concerns. They won’t be able to discuss much with you if you don’t have her permission to do so, but they could invite her in for a ‘health check’ to assess her.

Brain scan ASAP. I am going through the same with my mum. Don't want to scare you but her results have shown a fast growing tumour

there will be an element of of fear and denial with your dad
also when you live with something day in day out it creeps up on you and becomes the norm
you’ll notice it more because you don’t see her that often

please don’t take this out on your dad

So I got my Brother to speak with my Dad as well. The gist of it was that they are waiting for the thyroid test results first before moving on as he ‘doesn’t want to overwhelm her’. We have both told him that this could be really serious and that she needs a brain scan, but he just keeps going back to the thyroid.

Turns out she doesn’t want a brain scan because they inject a dye into you and she thinks it’s radioactive (obviously it isn’t). Both of them have always been very much into conspiracy theories, so I suspect this is also what’s at play here. They have always been very against listening to Doctors and taking their advice. My Dad has spent years making all sorts of potions which he thinks will fix all of the bodies problems. I imagine this is what he’s trying to do here (obviously I could be wrong). He has also never been to the Dr with her, so nobody knows what she’s even said.

He doesn’t realise how serious it is, so in the end I messaged my Mum and said please will you meet with me Monday & discuss everything, said I don’t want to pry etc but I’m really, really worried that this could be serious and even a brain tumour etc. I then rang her and she said it’s her memory. She can’t remember anything and she’s confused with times etc. She said she would come up Monday but she didn’t sound convincing.

I’m unsure how my Dad will take me going ‘over his head’, as it sounds like they want to sort this ‘in house’, but obviously it isn’t going to work. She’s not going to go back to whoever she was before. It can surely only get worse. I just think how bad would she have to get before he actually seeks help? She looks like she’s on deaths door anyway. I can’t imagine she will last much longer if she isn’t eating anyway.

I feel like I’ve done the right thing though, even though I’m questioning myself. I think this has gone past worrying if it overwhelms her. If my attempt at getting help is rejected, then I think I will just have to leave them to it. What more can I do really :/.

Good luck OP. Hope you get better news than we did. I am sure there are many other things it could be

How did you get on today @nowayho and how old is your mum?
Her symptoms sound very worrying and like dementia to me.

Please get her to do a urine sample uti can make older people act like they have dementia and its such a simple fix

Not when it's gone on for months.

@TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne

She came over but she didn’t want to discuss it, so I feel like there’s nothing I can do if she doesn’t want the help :/.

She’s 63 x

you cannot leave it. shes unwell and your dads ignoring it and is in denial.

the gp will not be able to tell you anything but i once wrote a letter and handed it in to raise all my concerns about my mums health and ask them to please ring her and ask her to come in for an appointment as shes really ill.

i think i would do that if i were you. i’d put on the letter that your dad keeps saying they are awaiting thyroid test results but is not doing anything further to help her despite knowing she is really confused and has lost of lot of weight, isn’t washing and isn’t herself at all. i’d hand it in personally.

if nothing happens in a week i’d phone social work services and tell them everything so they can check on her, get carers in etc.

I’d be prepared for the question from parents “did you do this” and i’d be saying “i told the gp you needed the blood test results and that i was worried, and they must have phoned social work services”

So I kept pushing my Dad saying I really need to take her to the Dr’s. He kept saying she didn’t want to. I also saw messages that he sent my Brother saying that he can’t force her to go and he can’t tie her up and drag her there.

Anyway, I keep pestering my parents until finally my Mum agreed to go. I rang the Dr’s surgery and passed on all the info.

On the morning of the appointment my Dad said she was really confused and didn’t understand why she was going to the Dr’s. He told her several times and she would forget a few minutes later. I had no idea she was that bad.

I picked her up and she was really agitated and confused. She thought we were going to the docs purely about weight loss.

We get to the surgery and she tells me she will go in on her own. I told her I need to take her in because I need to mention some things other than weight. She was visibly really anxious as we walked in.

The doc was v discrete with what I’d told him but obviously asked her questions about her weight loss and also memory etc.
I was gobsmacked at what she was like. Because I see her for an hour each week, I hadn’t seen her behave like this at all. She was like a child. She was hunched over playing with her hands. She couldn’t answer basic questions, she was clearly beyond confused, she was whispering answers. Some of her answers didn’t make sense.

He also asked about weight loss and she said she had no appetite. He weighed her and she is 6 stone (she’s around 5’5 tall). He felt her tummy etc and he said he was really concerned about bowel cancer and that he felt this could also be connected to her memory, confusion, odd behaviour. He said she needed a head and full body scan. She looked absolutely petrified and said ‘is Dad ok? Is Dad ok?’ Obviously I looked at her like wtf is going on. Then she asks if Dad is ok for her to have scans. I’m sure this will have signalled red flags with the Dr. He asked her if anything was going on at home, any stresses etc. Then he asked if I live with them and if anything is going on. I don’t live with them, but I’m assuming she’s alluding to the fact that they’re both against scans.

I was so, so shocked at what she’d become. She was nothing like my Mum. She was like a massive ball of confusion and anxiety. She was like a small kid. I’ve never felt so uncomfortable in all my life having to take charge and act like I was the Mum.

I can’t believe the level of neglect from
my Dad. I rang him and told him I can believe how bad she is and why hasn’t he done anything at all. He started shouting saying how he’s lived with this for months and she refused to go to the Dr and he thought she was sorting it out herself. How the hell is she meant to sort this out herself when she can barely remember her own name?!

I’m so sad at what she’s become. I feel angry at my Dad and I feel sadness at the neglect. I feel frustrated when I’m around her and like I want to shake her back to normal. If she has cancer, I’m assuming the Dr was alluding to the fact it may have spread to her brain or something?

I know she would never have chemotherapy & also if there’s no chance of cognitive improvement, then there wouldn’t be much quality of life. I know she would rather be left to die if that’s the case (appreciate how awful that sounds).

I just feel a bit lost

Also the thyroid test was totally made up. I don’t think she’d been going to the Dr’s at all

I’m so sorry to read your update, but you got her to the doctor at last and now they can fully investigate, hopefully things will move quickly to get her the help she needs 💐

My dad has spent years making all sorts of potions which he thinks will fix all of the bodies problems. I imagine this is what he's trying to do here

@nowayho I don't want to worry you even more than you are already, but... OMFG. 😯
This could be really significant. Some amateur home-made natural remedies could have the potential to be extemely toxic, especially if taken over a long period. Perhaps you need to look into this a bit more.

Do your parents have Lasting Powers of Attorney? If not, is there any chance you could get either or both of them to draft them, allowing you to be their advocate should they become incapacitated? When I took my MiL to the GP about her failing memory, he told us to get one drawn up asap before she was deemed incapable of doing so. Your mum may already be beyond that capability, but your dad may agree (especially if you tell him that without one, the medical team will make decisions about him without his consent if he's not able to give it).