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Original poster

memory problems suck!

13 replies

misdee · 12/06/2008 08:38

dh is in a tizz as he has 'lost' £30 he says.

he is insisting he has given it to me in the last 4 days.

i know he hasnt.

he is getting very angry and stressed with me insisting he gave it to me.

he doesnt just suffer memory loss but seems to suffer false memories.

this is happening most days and its beginning to really get me stressed.

OP posts:
saywhat · 12/06/2008 08:44

oh no, sorry i feel for your hubby, i have an absolutely terrible short term memory, and unfortunately its a standing joke in my family. When i was 5 i came home from school with only one welly boot on because i somehow 'lost' the other one over the course of the day I tend to put things down and never ever remember where i put them, i can make appointments for the next day and forget i have them...

I know it irriates people, but you know what? you try living with such an appaling memory...the person that is themost irritated and upset is you and people taking the mick really infuriates me. I tell them now that i am older...oh so you think i MEANT to do this? that i want to pull my lovely tidy house apart looking for such and such? That i wanted to miss what could have been a lovely day out because i forgot? yes yes of course i did...

The false memory thing too, thinking you did something when you didnt...i get that.

I dont know what to suggest, i try memory books to try to help me increase mine, but nothing works. if you ever find a solution for your hubby let me know! (and excuse the rant, its not against you LOL)

Original poster
misdee · 12/06/2008 08:45

oh apparently i'm meant to stay calm and not get stressed about it. i know its not his fault but he is so damn insistant that whatever crisis he is having each day is my fault that its getting me down.

i tell him stuff, he forgets then gets arsey when i do what i;e told him several times i'm going to do (like hospital appointments, poppingout etc) because as far as he is concerned i havent told him.

OP posts:
cmotdibbler · 12/06/2008 08:46

Oh dear. I know how hard that is cause my mum does it too - she gets it into her head that stuff has happened/she did things that never did - but only in a time scale of a few hours or days.

Do you think it might be related to all the drugs that DH is on ? Worth mentioning it to the docs at his next appt / ringing them up and discussing it in advance so that they can gently probe.

Original poster
misdee · 12/06/2008 08:47

saywhat, his is caused by 3 strokes a couple of years ago,

i know it must be frustrating for him, but i hate how angry it has made him,

OP posts:
Original poster
misdee · 12/06/2008 08:47

he is seeing his physcologist next week.

OP posts:
saywhat · 12/06/2008 08:52

ah misdee sorry there is more to it than simple forgetfulness, and blaming you for it is not on. I hope his memory can be improved for youand the psychologist can help him get to grips with the frustration, i know a few times i have been SO forgetful its frightened me and i have got angry, but at least when i forget, lose things (on a daily basis) the only person i hold responsible is me.

Original poster
misdee · 12/06/2008 08:54

saywhat, we have a white board and he has a smll notebook for writing down stuff he needs to remember.

but its the stuff he doesnt write down he forgets. like the fact he has 'lost' £30, iniosting i have spent it when i know i havent as i have used any money this week.

or if he loses paperwork. then its my fault.

or he cant find x because he put it on y and its not there when really he put it on z and isnt loojking there, and it must be my fault again.

i am sick of it.

OP posts:
throckenholt · 12/06/2008 09:50

misdee - can you try having a book where everything get written down - if you give or tell him something (eg appointment), or if he gives or tells you.

If you are the person who makes sure everything gets written down then you can show it to him when he forgets. (he may still get angry and deny all knowledge of it) At least that way you know you did it.

Is there any help you (he) can get with memory problems - may be contact the stroke societies for coping strategies.

Its sad - after the awful stress you all went through that now that is over you have this lingering background level of stress. You need to find some way of coping with it before it wears you down.

magso · 12/06/2008 09:58

It is the blaming you that is getting you down by the sound of things! Is he a bit down perhaps? I don't know what to suggest but wonder if his specialist could help!
I have a dodgy memory (from an adverse event following a GA) so understand how frustrating and frightening it can be to live with it. My memory is at its least reliable when I am stressed and tired and sort of freezes completey if I get distressed by malfunction. In this state it is helpful to me for dh to stay calm and matter of fact, and not take it personally. ('I didn't see where you put it, but after a cup of tea I will help you search for it.' He keeps his voice very light and calm, and treats it as a puzzle to solve. I sometimes remember when I think of something else like making tea!) His alternate approach when it is annoying him (makes situation worse)is to ignore me completely or get angry! I cannot recall anything when under fire so to speak!
I dont know if these comments help!

SparklyGothKat · 12/06/2008 17:16

lol sorry misdee, just reminded me of the day mum phoned me and asked if you were at my house, I said no you had been round the previous day, she said that Peter had said you were at mine.. I think you were at lisa's...

Original poster
misdee · 13/06/2008 22:30

ok, help me keep this in perspective.

FGS

i gave dh some forms and £5 to drop off to dd1 brownie leader thiws evening for the giant sleepover tomorrow. he has bloody forgotton to hand over the £5. is insisting i didnt give it to him, but he is £5 up in his change, and is saying i didnt tell him he needed to give it to her.

FGS if he has balls this up for dd1, i dont jknow what to do. is too late now to call brownies leader to say i'll be sorting out the oney to give to her i nthe morning, and i dont know if its all been finalzied.

he forgot this within 5mins of leaving rhe house.

am pissed off.

its not his fault but he need to accept when it is his 'fault' IYKWIM and not blame me.

OP posts:
throckenholt · 14/06/2008 11:01

maybe give it to dd to give to the brownie leader in an envelope - she is probably more reliable than DH at the moment

magso · 14/06/2008 14:51

It cant imagine how difficult it is for you and your dh! I do hope he has some recovery.
It sounds like your dh has no awareness of missing memories - like his memory just seamlessly seals over the missing bit - and perhaps is not aware of the unreliability of his short term memory (he has forgotten). (I at least have some awareness of uncertainty, have had some recovery from more minor loss and have learnt stratagies to cope). It is also very difficult to cope with sudden loss of functions we rely on and take for granted. Perhaps he isn't yet able to deal with this.
Perhaps each time a situation occurs you could think up a stratagie for next time eg giving form/ money to dd in an envelope with a promise of a sticker on her chart if she remembers (so you or preferably dh can legitimatly write it down without offending dh). Involve dh in 'supporting' dd (this might put it in a different to do memory list so to speak) (perhaps ring receiver to help dd also) and with the sticker giving later on.
Most of all see his blaming you as part of his recovery from illness (the strokes fault - something dh is learning to cope with by carying on as usual despite his loss/ needing treatment)- so you dont take it personally. Take care!

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