The absolute complete and utter panic of health anxiety.

[JacknDiane]

I hate it, i really do. I can't see anything objectively, I go from zero to total panic attack. It floors me, it feels like white hot heat throughout my body and I need to rush to the loo.
I have it now due to something I found this morning. Im in bits. I've taken propranolol. I already take citalopram.
I had counselling but nothing, absolutely nothing seems to help at this time.
I just dont want to be like this, I want it to go away.

@OyWithThePoodlesAlready84, thinking "what would a non anxious person do?" doesn't work for me, because I know exactly what theyd do, and I know my fear and panic is way over the top, but once "the fear" as i xall it, grips me, I can't shake it until a doctor tells me im ok. I can't rationalise it or calm it down with breathing techniques, or thinking calmer thoughts, or anything really that helps me or changes my thoughts, im just in a deep panic with a knot in my stomach that won't shift until I see a Dr. I know its mad, but its almost instinctive for me, it happens so immediately when I feel or notice a cancer symptom or sensation in or on my body.
Its exhausting and feels like a ticking time bomb.

OP speak to your gp about Mirtazapine. I have been on citalopram for 20 years and found it was no longer working for me.
i was crippled with anxiety. He told me to stay on citalopram (rather than taper off at this stage) and prescribed me 15mg Mirtazapine. I must admit I had very little hope it would work but it did, from the first night! ( you take it at night as it makes you tired)
I really couldn’t believe that it worked that quick so did my own research as I thought it must be the placebo effect, it wasn’t.
please speak to him about the Mirt. I’m three weeks today on it now. I still have little spikes of mild anxiety as it takes 6 weeks for the full effects. It really has been a miracle drug for me so hopefully your gp will prescribe some for you

I dont know why I catastrophise health symptoms the way I do. I know a rational person would be aware of changes but see if things settle down before making a doctors appointment.
I've already made the appointment 5 minutes after seeing/feeling something which might be cancer on my body. And usually the appointment is 2 weeks away so I end up calling the dr the next day trying to get an emergency appointment as my anxiety is sky high by then.

My sense/rational person/stoicism/ life experience goes right out the window and a deep feeling of utter dread and fear takes over me. Its not a case of "what if"...its a case of, "right, this is it, its my turn to get cancer/ something utterly awful/terrifying" and I believe it 100%.

Its just awful. I'd give anything for something or someone to take this away from me.

Thank you @twiddlingthumbs69, I will ask for that.

I understand as I definitely experience those moments too depending on the nature of the physical issue I have. So I know it doesn't work when the panic has already set in. A benzodiazepine really helps in those moments where the full body panic hits and I can't talk myself down, but they are highly addictive so I am very careful.(Use them maybe once a month on average) I hope my new therapy helps as the stress issue is chronic and very deblitating, even without the health anxiety episodes.
I hope you feel better soon!

Do you know where it comes from? I have worked with a therapist and psychiatrist for quite a while now and we know what probably caused this anxiety in me and trying to address that. It doesn't make experiencing the anxiety easier but at least I understand what is happening and why it is happening and somehow this helps me work through it a little better.

I think its a few different things @OyWithThePoodlesAlready84. But none of them are irrational, they are all factual events and me getting older just draws me nearer them.
I know no one lives forever and I dont want to anyway...I just want to stop the panicking over something I can't change anyway.

I mean, cancer is scary. I dont know anyone who doesn't think so. But most people i know realise that panicking over it is just a waste of time and energy. So they figure they will deal with it IF the time comes when they have to.
That to me is a grown up, rational way of dealing with a big scary subject. Not the way I deal with it, immediately going into a complete panic attack at any symptoms and feeling just utterly terrified. And not being able to stop this feeling in me until a doctor tells me im ok.
Its so extreme and no way to live.

@JacknDiane No what I meant is the root cause of the anxiety, for some people it's trauma that causes this response. Sometimes finding out where it comes from helps find the right therapeutic course. For me personally, the root cause is trauma and being ND (have had generalised anxiety since forever) but becoming a parent has made me hypochondriac. I am not scared of dying per se, i am scared of leaving my children behind and especially to a disease that will be hard on them to witness (such as cancer). Basically I can't stand the idea of my kids suffering or being scared. Talking about this (with people close to me and my health care providers) help me see clearer what is actually happening in my head and in my body during a panic spiral. It doesn't make it stop but I'll get through them better somehow because I can talk about it and what it is particularly that scares me so much. Before, i used to just freeze and not say anything just feel overwhelmed and terrified. Which was so much worse!

Do you know what scares you the most about the idea of these illnesses?
Oh and dont be hard on yourself, anxiety is a disorder and has nothing to do with being grown up. That said; sometimes the root cause actually is something you missed as a child, a certain sense of security, certain fears not being acknowledged etc, so in that case that part of you didn't have the chance to react like a grown up. I know for me that is part of it ..

Feel free to DM me. I hope you feel better today!

I empathise totally with you. Have suffered the torture of HA for 40 plus years.I have tried virtually every remedy of anti anxiety drugs and counselling.
I don’t think the anxiety will ever go away, especially as getting older, statistically more horrible ailments are likely to occur.
Citalopram is good, maybe you need a higher dose. Mirtazipine is quite sedating.
I am taking Duloxetine atm, every other day.
The downside is the vivid, sometimes horrible dreams and a feeling of being in a brain fog. The anxiety is like a fire that has almost been extinguished.
My go to remedy is a mantra to repeat over & over. Usually ‘I don’t care’ repeated many times whenever an unwanted cancer or other awful illness enters my thoughts. This diverts the brain.
So sorry you have this condition.
Maybe swap to Duloxetine & try a mantra that works for you.

Im not sure what to do about taking more citalopram or duloxetine. I really dont know what to do for the best. I have tried having a mantra @DemelzaandRoss, I've got quotes and sayings on my phone but it doesn't get through to my brain. Like @OyWithThePoodlesAlready84, I just completely freeze when I find or see something on me. Its like utter panic takes over and nothing in me works properly. All the things that made complete sense when I didn't have HA just go out the window. Its like I become another person and this is actually what scares me most, my reaction to HA. Its like someone with a phobia of spiders being forced to sit with a spider on their hand until someone (a doctor) comes along and says the spider isn't real and removes it from them. But waiting to see a doctor can take weeks and if they send me for tests that can take weeks or months until I get an all clear. So that spider is sitting on my hand an awful long time and I can't rationalise my terror.
Everything you said resonates with me@OyWithThePoodlesAlready84. But I really dont know where the trauma is from. I have an idea though. But there's so many things it could be, I just don't know how. I can't DM as I use mn on my phone, sorry. I know something is causing this but it seems so massive to unpick and I've tried and tried and still feel the same. I always go back to square one and nothing seems to work .

I've always had anxiety. I have a school report talking about my anxiety and 7. It just seems to be how I'm made. Dh says I was anxious the day I met him. I take propranolol when I need it too. That helps slow my responses down. I seem to get overwhelmed and worked up really easily and I need a lot of time by myself.

@JacknDiane Sending you a virtual hug.
Only Anxiety sufferers know the true horror of this torture.
I think in your position I would try to switch to Duloxetine. Accept the side effects will kick in for a few weeks. Weather the storm with the dreams.
Hopefully, you will feel a bit numb & the mantras will work. Every time an unwanted thought pops in, shout in your head you don’t care. It sounds daft but eventually it should work.
Let us know how you get on. 💐