Chronic health issues - unsupportive husband

[Dizzyfloss]

I'll try and be brief....

I have Autoimmune thyroid disease (Hashimotos) and also an associated Autoimmune condition - vitiligo. I struggle with energy levels. My husband knew that when he married me 10 years ago. I also have other problems that raise their head occasionally such as frequent pneumonia (7+ times in my lifetime now leading to reduced capacity in 1 lung). I have intermittent gallstone pain. I must eat gluten free since I find it causes inflammation (e.g. rash/itching after eating it) and raises thyroid antibodies. I more or less permanently have pain in my shoulders and lumbar area.

My husband, in the last few months has gone on a wild health kick, going to the gym every day, losing weight (aided by a GLP-1 I might add). He's done really well - but let me be clear me & kids still put him to shame in terms of healthy diet full of fruit & veg. He has been quite derogatory to me about not exercising, but I find that the Autoimmune thing causes me to suffer after vigorously exercising. I went once to the gym with him and felt awful after, with a terrible headache. This headache, now 6 weeks on, has never really left. At one point was admitted same day care in hospital for severe headache pain. It is unusual in that it is aggravated by walking about, and is in the back of my head. MRI was clear.

It reached a crescendo last week and has slowly been improving as long as I take it easy. However I overdid it today getting something out of the loft and have re-ignited the head pain today (and heart rate spikes to 150bpm).

I'm waiting on a neurology referral now. But I can't help to feel so upset by my husbands behaviour - he seems to have such disdain for me when I am unwell. (Not the first time).

His primary concern is always himself e.g. if its not "his day" to pick kids from school he is all huffy and puffy and moans to my 9 and 10 year olds that it should be me not him. He continually asks what I'm cooking for dinner, when I'm not fit for standing up let alone cooking. I get absolytely zero physical affection, if I am crying or distressed he walks past to go play on his computer.

My children, my mum and my boss are my support network. But each time he does this to me I feel it breaks me a little bit more.

I am so sorry to hear this OP - it sounds like you are having a very challenging time. I'm no expert on Hashimoto's, but I understand it can be managed (but not cured) by medication. Are you on levothyroxine or has this not been indicated for you? Regarding gallstones, I have had them myself and found the pain to be excruciating. I weighed up the risk of surgery and decided to have my gallbladder removed a number of years ago. I now have no gallstones and no pain as a result. Would this be an option for you?

As for DH, I have to say he sounds horrible. I would say his behaviour is worthy of LTB. At the very least, I would suggest issuing some ultimatums to him about his despicable behaviour. You've got a number of chronic health issues and he is there taking potshots and criticising you when he should be being supportive and loving. Unfortunately my experience is that men who exhibit these behaviours don't change. Can you get your ducks in a row and consider leaving him?

Thanks for replying. I am on treatment for hashimotos and have been since age 15. But while my numbers look good in black & white for the GP, I don't feel well. I've never considered myself "well" in the sense others do. I was due to have gallbladder removed years ago but found out I was expecting my youngest. They've been silent until recently (after I attempted the gym). If the pain starts up more often I'll pursue having my gallbladder removed again.

Leaving would be complicated financially as I only work part time. Its so weird as he can be loving and kind, but as the years go on its getting less and less. Anytime I try and express my unhappiness of late, he doesn't listen because he is "keeping positive" so he's not interested. He tells me and the kids we're "creating drama" and walks away. We're drifting apart, I can feel it. Its almost like quiet quitting, at least from me because I'm putting a lot of (thankless) work into keeping the house tidy, washing, shopping etc etc because I work part time .

He works nights on rolling basis so does get plenty of time off But the bulk of housework is left to me - he doesn't openly admit it but he resents me not working full time.

He's started saying he's going abroad with his gamer friends, refusing to book family holiday instead.... I don't think he'd cheat but it hurts that he doesn't want to see his kids do nice things, they're only young once. And I can't afford it on my own - financially or physically either.