Genetic probability/ DH says no 3rd baby /Awful quandry

[piffle]

Sorry longish..
Briefly dd has a condition called Noonan Syndrome (NS hereonin), she is 2 yrs very healthy a few minor problems and she is on the mildest end of the scale GREAT!!
Have DS 10, not DH's child, perfectly "normal"
However we saw gene counsellor yesterday and we were talking about expected risk of it happening again.
Risk is between 0-5%
In order to protect ourselves a little we can have a nuchal fold test which NS sometimes shows up on, they can do detailed heart scan at 16-20 wks NS always has a heart problem, also 3d scanning can assess facial featuress too.
I am not sure I could choose a termination though having said that.
BUT DH says this is an unacceptable risk, coupled with the general risk of any pregnancy he is unwilling and also says he has a "hunch" or instinct" that the next baby will be have something seriously "wrong" with it, he sys he is psychic in ways. My argument you can probably imagine
He refuses to focus on the 95% chance of baby not having NS, he is so polarised and I am going crazy trying to coax some admission of the possibility that we could have a healthy baby with no NS.
Is there anyway we can resolve this without one of us resenting the other for our choices?
I desp want a 3rd baby as ds is 10 and dd is 2, I do not want her to grow up without a close sibling as my son did and he was very lonely and due to the age gap he may well be leaving home by age 18 for Uni and I want to have 2 kids still here.
Any advice please?
Anyone had a similar choice to make?

dh heart condition has if hereidtry (votes are still out on whether dh was actually caused by a virus or not) a 1 in 4 chance of being passed on. tell your dh that!!

we have 2 kids, and a planned #3 due soon. #3 we made a decision to have even tho we know the risks if dh condition is hereditry.

think mieow was told there is a 10% chance that any future kids of hers may be affected by CP, as there is a weakness.

0-5% chance of NS occuring again sounds good odds to me. Isnt there higher risks of other conditions unrelated to NS. especially if you get older.

Do you think your DH might just not want another baby, and is grasping on to this as an 'acceptable' reason to say 'No'?

I was told that my heart condition was hereditary (v like misdee's dp)and have 1 ds aged 10 who has had no tests -my choice.I was diagnosed 6/7 yrs ago and recent mor advanced scans have showed that it was caused either by a virus or a blood pressure problem several yrs ago.So don't take all they say as gospel I had a termination based on the false info and have always regretted it

Think its a hard one to resolve. We've had a third knowing that he (especially as he is a he) is far more likely to be autistic than ljoe public. Dh has very much latched onto the fact that we think ds1's autism was triggered rather than born with. And we do have NT ds2 (who was conceived before we were aware of the extent of ds1's problems). If there is ever any suggetion that ds1's autism wasn't triggered then dh goes into blind panic. He is already examining 2 week old ds1 in minute detail- but then so am I.

IU do think its a typical male reaction to be honest. My friend is the same, she has an autistic dd an NT ds and wants a third. her dh will not entertain the idea.

I don't really feel qualified to comment on the risk factor but would recommend not focusing too much on the sibling aspect. I have 8&9 yrs between my 2nd/3rd/4th children and don't feel it's necessarily a negative thing. Also, there's no guarantee siblings will get on with each other. My bro (2yrs younger than me) and I have never got on and I don't think we ever will!

It sounds to me like this is an issue that you need to resolve with your dh. Unless you are both happy having a child, I don't think it's a good idea having one whether or not it has genetic issues. Could you go to counselling together about it?

piffle, how did DH feel about your earlier pg (the ectopic one )?

Was he OK about that to begin with? Is he concerned about something like that happening again? There are other issues than having a child who isn't "normal" (and I know your DD is a delight and you both love her to bits) and it may be more that he is worried about you not getting through another pg, but is concentrating on the odds and his feelings as a way round that.

I know men are generally hopeless at talking about their feelings but you do need to talk. Genetic counselling would be good but just general talking too...good luck, I do understand how you feel, hope you can work it out!

I do wonder whether your dh feels bad about himself, as the child who is not his is NT, whereas the child who is his has SN. Maybe he feels 'at fault', and couldn't bear to 'fail you' again? Maybe I'm being psychobabblish, but after I came through my PND and we were discussing whether and when to ttc no2, dh admitted that he felt he had failed me in some way and that there must have been something he could have done to prevent the PND, and that maybe he had done something that had caused it. Obviously not true!

We have a risk of cystic fibrosis which we discovered after I miscarried my first pregnancy. At that time we were given a 1 in 70 risk for any subsequent pregnancy. We saw a counsellor who was excellent and decided to go ahead with a pregnancy. DH and I had many discussions and it did hang over us but we both wanted a baby and armed ourselves with stacks of info should our baby be born with CF. Fortunately she was fine and we have gone on to have a further two healthy children. After DD2 was born we were given a revised risk of 1 in 160 so did feel a little less concerned with third pregnancy.
I was lucky in that DH and I were in agreement with each other but it would have been very difficult if one of us was completely against it. Also once we had made the decision, because of our particular genetic history, the CF would not have been picked up by CVS or an amnio (there might have been some markers at the anomaly scan) so we would not have had to make any decisions about termination.
Hope you are able to reach a decision together.

piffle, have you and your dh had any DNA testing? The gene involved in about half of Noonan cases has been identified. If you and your dh were found to be carriers then there would be the potential for CVS testing- I know you don't probably don't want to have a termination, but it would at least mean that you would know for certain at an early stage. I'm guessing that they already know you're not carriers given the figure they gave you, but I just thought I'd mention it.

Wouldn't it break your DH's heart to have to go thru a termination, or to be faced with that choice? I can understand why he just doesn't want to risk it... what if you went ahead, the baby had NS, you wanted to keep it and he didn't? How would you 2 resolve the situation? I can see he is just too scared of getting into that situation.

Message withdrawn

tamum, dd has been tested for the pptnII gene which is the hereditary familial one they have identified, she was negative and her mild clinical picture leads the geneticist to presume a non hereditary aspect of gene mutation
WE have been tested too though and were both neg
Jan he was fine about the ectopic I wonder if that is terrifying him more than the "less than perfect baby" also my preg with dd was difficult (hyperemesis) but birth was easy
I have talked to DH and he has agreed to ttc but he wants my assurance that if a serious heart defect is picked up that we terminate, I could not promise that, therefore we are having genetic cousellor to help us along with the decision, my mother told him that it could lead to years of resentment and possible marriage breakdown, I do wonder how people resolve these problems and stay happy...
Thanks all

Piffle, a friend of mine had severe hyperemesis with her first child (so bad that she was in and out of hospital for almost the whole pregnancy) that she swore she would never have another. Eventually she was persuaded by both families to go ahead and this time she had normal morning sickness that ended after the first trimester - textbook!

No guarantees, obviously, but hopefully a slightly more positive picture for you? HTH.