Out of control binging. Long.

[outofcontrol]

I don't know if this is the right forum to be posting this and I don't really expect any responses but I need to write this down for my own sanity. Perhaps if I admit this to myself in black and white I will be able to stop. I have always thought of myself as chubby. I was 5'8 and a size 12 before getting pregnant. I was really ill during my pregnancy and put on a lot of weight but now, a year after my baby's birth, I am still massively overweight. I weight about 14 stone now. I was doing well. I had lost about a stone and felt like I might be able to get sort of back to where I was. Then it was my baby's birthday. I baked a cake for the first time. I made cookies, gingerbread, cupcakes. I wanted to do the "mum thing". It was the first time baking anything for me and I was really proud of myself. I decided to relax my diet for the weekend to enjoy his party. I stuffed myself (of course). Then yesterday I saw some pictures of myself at the party. I am horribly obese. I am so ugly. It was a shock to see myself. It totally sent me into tail spin. I tried to get back on my diet but was stuffing myself with left over chocolate birthday cake by nine am. I made myself throw it up. I felt horrible about it. My baby didn't see because I shut the door but he could hear and he was outside, trying to get in and was upset. Great parenting I don't want to be like this in front of him. I went out and came home. What did I do? Yes, as soon as he went for his nap I stuffed myself with more cake and icecream knowing that I was going to throw it up. I didn't even taste it I was eating so fast. I threw it up and when I looked at myself in the mirror afterwards I had mascara running all down my face, snot hanging from my nose, smeared regurgitated chocolate on my cheeks... horrific. I just feel so out of control. I hate myself. I got a big bin liner and threw all left over cakes and sweets into it. I am going to squish some gross stuff in there because I know myself, I would probably go in there later and retrieve the cake and do it all again. Why can't I be a normal person with a normal attitude to food? I am not healthy and I don't want to pass any of this negativity onto my beautiful little boy. I just thank my lucky stars I don't have a girl because I hate to think what this would do to her. I feel completely lost and alone.

I have no experience of this, but bump for you.

There are lots of mners who have binged and purged, keep this bumped and someone will be along later.

Take care.

You've taken the first step and actually admitted you have a problem. Next thing to do is understand that what you have is an illness, which needs proper treatment. Sounds like you have caught it early though. Could you speak to your GP and get the ball rolling to getting some professional help.

Oh my God, I couldn't tell anyone in real life. I would be so ashamed. I just couldn't. I don't know what help I can get anyway. Oh no, imagine if my DH knew, or my family. No. No. I definitely couldn't do that.

I just re-read your post OMDB and saw the word "illness" (which I suppose I should have registered first time round seeing as it was in bold!). Is it an illness? Surely I am just weak?

yes absolutely it is an illness and the gp will have seen it before. no need for your dh or amily to be involved at all.

Really? It is an illness? I don't understand. How is it "cured" then?

It's an illness. And just like any other illness, the GP can help you.

If you broke your arm, you'd seek medical attention. If you had a rash, you'd seek medical attention - you wouldn't think twice about it. Just because this doesn't show on the outside like a broken arm doesn't mean it isn't real or that it isn't an illness.

Do you want help? Or do you still want to be here in six months time doing the same thing? If you want help, go to the GP - he or she is the best place to start.

There is no need for your DH or family to know - you can talk to your GP confidentially. No-one reasonable would judge you for this - you are not being weak.

Yes, but if you broke your arm you put it in plaster, if you have a rash you get an ointment or take a pill or something. What do you do with my craziness? Is it counselling or something? I don't think that would work. I feel like I am being really thick here. I definitely don't want to be doing this in six months time.

I don;t knwo re: treatment - maybe try googling food bingeing or bulemia (sp?). CBT might be helpful, but again your GP should be able to help.

Isn;t there an Overeaters Anonymous or am I imagining that?

It is an illness like depression is an illness. Don't view it as a 'craziness' please, that will only make you feel worse. Treatment you would recieve would involve therapy of some sort I'd imagine, but I can't help you more as have no personal experience, just studied it at university.

You need to talk to your GP, and not feel ashamed.

You've also got to start being kind to yourself. You deserve to get better, so no.1, go to see your GP.

I so hope that in 6 months time your approach to yourself and food will have changed for the better.

Your initial reaction is to 'talk' about it here and to ask questions about yourself and your eating, so i think you have already identified what will help, talking about it. You are absolutely right in knowing you need help with it. In time, you will come to believe you can manage this. The other posters are also right, see a GP and ask for a referral to a counsellor who specialises in this area. They are really good at helping. And it isn't just talking, there are behaviour patterns they can help you unlearn and replace with healthier ones.

Dont' beat yourself up about this in regard to your lovely boy. You will be quietly modelling for him how to have a problem, recognise it, go to other human beings for help, and to move on. THat is a very powerful thing for any of us to learn, any time in life.

A huge hug of support for you. I haven't been through this as you describe, but I did nurse in mental health areas for a decade and have seen so many people progress out of this and other issues.

You poor thing. I haven't experienced it myself but have had friends (and in the past a boyfriend) who have. I want to reassure you, yes it is an illness, it's not your fault, the gp can help (it might be a mixture of medication and counselling that helps you, or one or the other) and you can get over this, so please don't feel you have to be totally alone. Your OP is so clear and sad about the fact that it was seeing yourself and thinking you were ugly that triggered this binge. You are not ugly, you are beautiful. I know that is hard to hear at this time but it is, literally, true. Apart from anything else, to your baby you are the most beautiful, loved and wanted mummy in the world. Besides that, any feeling that you have that you are ugly are about just that, feelings - which counselling may help you with.

Remember one binge, or even more binges, and your weight whatever it is, don't make you a bad person or a lost cause. You can overcome this even if it's difficult. Wishing you lots of good luck.

Craziness, if you really want to put it like that, can be treated too.

It's a mental disorder, certainly - but do you really think that doctors can't treat those? Whether it's by medication or counselling, there are ways of treating this. You won't find out what those ways are until you see the GP - he or she will know where to refer you for the best help.

Meanwhile, try B-eat - they used to be called the Eating Disorders Association, and could be really helpful to you.

Has anything happened recently that you can think of, to trigger this? Obv having a baby is a huge deal. Is your partner supportive or do you feel unhappy and alone?

I have just logged on and seen all these messages. I am sitting here crying. Thank you for your lovely words. snowleopard, your words about being beautiful had me in floods of tears. I don't feel it at all. I feel like such a loser. I think I do need help. (that's probably obvious to you guys) I think this is deeper than feeling fat and ugly. I feel like that on the inside. I don't really think it's anything to do with the outside. I went to a counsellor a few years ago who was rubbish and I guess that's put me off a bit.

Sorry, cross posting. Thanks for the link WigWam, I will check it out now. WonderingWhy, yes, something happened a few years ago that made me feel like this, this self-loathing stuff although it manifested differently then. I thought I was over it. Perhaps not.

I'm sure you're right that it is to do with inner feelings and how you value and accept yourself. I'm sure a good counsellor can help - and it is worth keeping on trying until you find a good one who suits you. So sorry you had a bad one. I hope the link helps too.

treat finding a counsellor like finding any one else who provides a service, and bin the arrangement if they don't suit you! you will find one who you gel with and who will support you will challenging you