Mum friends advice

[Keggles1013]

I need some advice on mum friends through schools.

Where we live, we have separate infants and junior schools. Due to this my kids have mixed classes and friendship groups a few times.

My eldest is off to secondary school in September and I have developed a group of friends through his friends. We have often gone out for drinks, meals etc and I have been an active member of the group. I'm not much of a gossip and generally have got on well with them all, or so I thought.

We all met up recently for end of school activities and it became clear to me that the group was splitting into 2 smaller groups and that I didn't fit into either of them. Both sets have obviously met up as small groups and I've not been invited either way.

I feel a bit stupid to be honest. I've known someone from each group for both schools and like them all. I've not done or said anything offensive and if I've ever suggested a night out, most have come along. My interests cross over with many in the group and I've never felt like I haven't fitted in this whole time. Or that I was too much or in anyone's face either.

What do I do now? I don't feel like I can suggest activities at the pretense of my child as the kids have drifted apart a bit and going their own ways. This kind of happened when the kids all changed school last time. I have people I get on with, it's just that no one seems to want to hang out.

I work from home, so don't really meet people that way. I've joined a yoga class to meet others that way but I'm a bit younger than many of them and so don't fit in there either.

Do I just let these relationships fizzle out, or do I push and make an idiot of myself?

How do you make friends as a peri-menopausal woman in her 40's?

Given it's become 2 clear cut smaller groups, there's probably one person driving each, plus the remaining people who have just gone along to what they were invited to and had no particular desire to exclude you. I'd individually message 1 or 2 from each group who you felt you got on with the most (or are most on the peripherary) and invite them for coffee/a drink/walk and see if you can get a closer friendship with someone going. It's the perfect time as the main group has collapsed and the smaller groups won't be fully established yet. If it doesn't work out then forget them and back to the drawing board! Don't feel stupid though, friendships, especially big group ones, can be odd and hard work without reflecting on you.

Yes I agree. Some people are quite self preservationist in that way and will think ahead that the group will naturally drift over time (it’s hard to keep a large group going with no current common bond) so what do they want and will cultivate that.
Other people will be happy to be part of the group and think no more of it. No one’s deliberately excluding you personally each group picked a few people and unfortunately you are in neither. It could be as simple as the ring leaders like you but are closer to a few of the others.

With my eldest I found a fab bunch of mum friends, there was about 8 of us and we would meet regularly with the kids and then started doing kid free stuff too. I felt quite blessed as I hadn’t had a big friendship group before even at school. But then as the kids got older it started to drop off and group started to split off, a few people had gotten closer separately from the group so they stayed in their smaller friendships, i had just got on with everyone but clearly hadn’t made enough of a impact/effort to make the cut beyond the group.
When I had another child a few years later I was more prepared and cultivated a friendship with a couple of women in the group who I still meet up with 12 years on.

i would also say reach out to acouple of women you are closer too and arrange meet up and see if you can create your own group or join one of the existing ones?