Being left with baby and two kids after gallbladder operation

[44Jen44]

Hello
I am a mum of 3 aged 11, 9 and 1.

I am just looking for some opinions and support. I had an operation to remove my gallbladder 11 days ago. I'm still in pain & discomfort. I also have Hypothyroidism and Iron difficiency.

My husband has taken 2 weeks off to help take care of the children, especially the baby. The surgeon told us I would need help for 2-3 weeks. Low and behold I return from my surgery to find out my husband has been told he must work away for 2 nights, 3 days on his first day back at work which will be only 2 weeks post op.

I can't lift my 1 year old for at least 4 weeks. This whole thing has left me scared and anxious about being left by myself for all that time so soon. My only saving grace to him returning after two weeks was that he'd be home to help in the evenings and give me the respite I really will need. Now that's been taken away from me, at such a vulnerable time. To be honest I'm fuming and I don't know what to do.

Not enough support around us for someone to help or stay with me. I'm going to be on my own and overdoing it. I feel emotional thinking about it. How can this work if I can't lift my baby, he's climbing all over the place plus has buggy, high chair, cot. What if I'm too exhausted, what if I'm still in pain. What if I do more damage to myself like cause a hernia. I'm so worried.

Is he able to say no?

This is a difficult one, everyone recovers differently. Presumably your DH isn't able to say no? (seems a bit spiteful from his work if they are fully aware of why he needed the time off). Were there any complications with the surgery? Was it laproscopic? What painkillers are you on?

In practical terms - for 3 days, have your baby sleep with you, get a 'high chair' travel seat so you can just strap him into it whilst he's on the floor, chill at home for 3 days so no need to use the buggy.

Have a chat with the 11 yo & enlist their help - maybe a responsibilities list for them & the 9yo so you can minimise what you need to do.

It may or may not help but I'm a month out from my op & am entirely normal & was, for the most part, from two weeks (tbh, that two weeks chilling was forced by my DH & kids cos I'm an appaling patient). The advice for recovery seems to vary wildly between surgeons & hospitals too.

Can you hire a babysitter to help you for a week? Sitters.com are good. Is there anyone who could stay those two nights? (Thinking they'd be more willing if it was just that). I mean I'd do that if a friend was stuck, as a one-off.

My mil had to have the same surgery, in the mid 70s, so all her children (x4) were very young.
My fil was a firefighter, and when he asked for the time off, his manager said that if he didn’t come in, he’d lose his job.

She practically turned herself inside out with the logistics. Which my fil just left to her to sort out. 🤨
He just threw up his hands and left her to it.

One neighbour was going to take the eldest boy, and another would take the second boy. And then, yet another neighbour was going to take the twins, but only for 3 days, as she was going on holiday.
She was even going to put the children in foster care for a couple of weeks until a different social worker told her that she wouldn’t automatically get her children back.

And then, when she was in the hospital, the surgeon came up to the ward and said he couldn’t do the operation because the theatre was too hot.
She told him what she’d gone through to get to this point, and how difficult this was for her, and he acquiesced and did it.

Now, i know her husband could’ve tried much harder to help her, but that’s women’s work, right?? He wasn’t bothered at all.

Yes also how mature is the 11 year old?

What is your DH doing to try to resolve the situation?

You are out of action (understandably), which means he has no childcare for 4 weeks. That’s how he needs to frame it for work. He can’t work away for three days because he is unable to leave his 3 children without care.

He will have to say no…

Do you have any friends who can help out? Grandparents? Childminder?

I am assuming your DH can't get out of the working away so as someone who has had lots of surgeries without help I would suggest enlisting both children with a schedule of jobs they could both do and a reward for the family that you can all enjoy when you are fit or one that the children are keen on.

Will the older 2 be off school by the time your DH is away? If so that should make it easier with the baby?

Make sure the freezer is full, and think about practicalities like whether you can lift the weight of a kettle yet etc and if not think of solutions.

DH has put stuff at heights where it is easier to get stuff without bending or lifting and plan a few duvet days with TV on etc.

Making it a fun episode of pulling together may actually make it fun ? I would try for a positive attitude as if your DH can't get out of work it will no doubt be equally frustrating to him and hopefully after being away he can come back and clean the house etc!

What can I say.

Hes already had 3 weeks parental leave. 1 because I was hospitalised with pancreatitis, a week before surgery. 2 that we are in middle of now post surgery for recovery.

His boss is an absolute c* who is very confrontational and also made me giving birth a year ago very nasty for us.

So perhaps my husband is gutless in dealing with his boss. He feels he has no choice due to work circumstances. He also has ASD so probably lacks empathy for my situation.

I'm already considering separation down the line if we can't work through our differences (which is everything).

But being left like this vulnerable feels like it might be the final kick in the teeth. And it's a shame because he's done such a lovely job of taking care of me and kids throughout this process. Hes great in practical sense. Just gutted.

My older children will still be at school unfortunately unable to assist in daytime.

I’m sorry you’re in this situation @44Jen44

Are you able to pay for help? Given you will still be physically present you should be able to use a “mothers helper” or a responsible local teen babysitter.

@44Jen44 I might be cynical but it seems like DH manager is being awkward as he has had 3 weeks off.

Can you look into a childminder for baby?

Why are you saying about separating when DH has been so kind while you are unwell?