Hey Jacksmama, thanks for the link!
Can I join please? Can I have a little rant about my injuries to get it off my chest?
DD was born in January, I had a bleed on the Wednesday, 3 days before my due date and was admitted overnight. By morning they had decided not to do anything and sent me home but my contractions had started. She was born 6 days later by forceps.
I'd planned to have a waterbirth and done a hypnobirthing course, I was looking forward to the birth. By the Monday I was just exhausted and in pain but my contractions were finally 3 in 10 minutes lasting 1 minute so I was admitted onto the antenatal ward (only 1cm dilated - devastated). I was given pethidine which did nothing but make me groggy and unable to speak properly so when my waters broke in the middle of the night I couldn't get out of bed and buzzed the midwife who shouted at me for being unable to get out of bed and barked "Can you not just put one foot in front of the other". Mortified, I tried to laugh it off but it was so hard to make my mouth do what I wanted it to. I waddle to the toilet and stood staring at it for a few minutes trying to work out what to do. Waddled back to bed but couldn't sleep because of the pain but was so cabbaged I was unable to get into a position to make myself more comfortable. I managed to send a text to DH at about 7am telling him my waters had broken and to make sure he was on the ward for 8am. He said I just looked f*cked. In the meantime I was backwards and forwards to the midwife. I know I must have been a PITA but I just couldn't believe they could leave me in that much pain, leaking amniotic fluid. In the end she ran me a bath just to get rid of me for a bit I think. It didn't help and I having contractions sitting in the bath was hell so I stood up in the bath and leaned against the wall....and woke up when the next contraction came. I was so tired I was falling asleep standing up. I can't remember much of the day except for the only contact I had with midwives was when DH or I went to them. I got to 5cms (14 hours after my water had broken) and the midwife told me that there were no beds in delivery suite because someone who was 8cm had just taken the last one. At 5pm a midwife arrived to take me to delivery suite and I was so happy I sobbed. Everytime I had a contraction my legs gave way and because I'd been admitted for a bleed earlier in the week I was now considered "high risk" so the waterbirth was out. They explained that DD needed to be delivered within 24 hours after my waters breaking so they had until 1am so they were going to put me on a drip to speed up contractions and this could make them more painful (not that I believed that was possible!) so had I considered pain relief. I chose an epidural. I couldn't handle my legs buckling with every contraction and I was desperate for sleep. Anyway, by 2am DD still hasn't turned and I have been pushing for an hour and a half so the midwife brings in an SHO who examines me (but doesn't actually acknowledge any part of me other than my fanjo) and walks out. The midwife looked a bit embarrassed and then followed her out to find out what they wanted to do. They decided to take me to theatre for a forceps delivery. Suddenly the room is full of people and I have a consent form shoved in my face - like I was lucid enough to know what I was signing. I wasn't offered an alternative to the forceps delivery so I didn't think I had much option but to sign away.
They explained in theatre that they were going to use rotational/keillands forceps to push dd back in (thanks very much after all that pushing), turn her around and then pull her out. I had an episiotomy which tore with the forceps and they took a couple of hours to stitch up my 3rd degree tear while DH got to hold DD and I just lay there shaking with all the anaesthetic.
They discharged me a few days later. I was told a physio would see me before I left to discuss my injuries. She didn't turn up but I did get a handy leaflet through the post about a week later telling me how to care for my injuries and giving me a number to call to speak to someone if I had concerns.
Well, yes I had concerns. I couldn't hold in my farts or poo. I couldn't tell when I needed to wee. I was in constant agony. There was no comfortable position to bf DD in, sitting on my stitches was agony and I couldn't stop crying at the thought of having to show my arsehole to a string of doctors and midwives over the coming months. I called the number, no one called me back for a week. I'd kind of figured it out myself by then.
I couldn't understand why they didn't tell me what to expect when I got home - these were horrific injuries, I couldn't walk fgs but it seemed because I had acquired them in childbirth I was just supposed to get on with it. My mum is a nurse consultant with a specialism that covers colorectal problems (although not birth injuries related - more cancer etc) and she cried when I told her I had a 3rd degree tear. My MIL told me that she suffered "exactly the same" tear when she had DH but was fine within a few days (but then she was reading magazines during her drug-free birth and didn't realise she was crowning until the midwife told her ). No one understood and I hated having to explain.
So fast forward a few months, I still can't tell when I need to wee and probably only go about twice a day. I have faecal incontinence and have wet myself but thankfully its not a regular thing. I cannot hold in farts no matter how I try and I do fanjo farts all the time but have no idea where the air is coming from. Pelvic floor exercises have helped with the sensation that my insides are falling out through my fanjo but thats about it. I get shooting pains in my rectum every day and have some "granular tissue" which will need to be removed.
I have an appointment next week for an ultrasound scan of my rectum because it doesn't have a lot of tone. It's a nightmare getting hospital appointments arranged because they won't let me bring DD. DH has no annual leave left because he used it all to look after me in February. We have no family here.
Our sex life is non-existent. We attempted sex once about a month ago and it was so painful. I thought I'd just carry on for DH's sake but he could tell I wasn't enjoying it (the gritted teeth perhaps?) we stopped. I just can't face trying again. So I feel pressure to get back to having sex again, worry about going back to work and being the person who farts in meetings (goodbye career!) and DH is constantly wanting reassurance that we will have another baby.
I can't believe that my life is actually like it is at the moment. I love my daughter but like someone else said much earlier in this thread, when people say "its all worth it to have your daughter" I get upset. I hate being made to link the two things in that way. Its like asking do I love her enough to put up with the pain (or in DH's case, go through it again).
Ok, I'll stop now because I know I have typed loads.
Thanks for reading if you got this far!