If you have health anxiety..

[LobeliaBaggins]

...how do you expect your close and old friends to deal with it?

For instance, are they expected to listen to you talk about the undiagosed illness that you have had for 20 years but doctors cannot find? Or do you expect them to take you to A and E if you are visiting?

Neither. My anxieties are mine to process and manage. It would be enabling if they took me to A&E without cause and not helpful to me at all.

Glad you say so because I am having this issue with a close and loved friend. Feel I am enabling her by even listening.

Decide how much you can listen to, for how long and how frequently and set a boundary with her.

Bertha, I know that this is a very real anxiety to you. I can listen for X amount of time when we meet (or whatever you know you can cope with) after that I need you to respect that when you share health anxieties it makes me feel X and therefore I need to spend time with you where we chat about other things.

Or whatever you want to express. You cannot listen, argue, reason her out of the anxiety however much you want to. She needs therapy to find the root of her feelings.

No. I know they're anxieties. DH will sometimes indulge me in my worries but otherwise I'm keeping it to myself and reminding myself it's in my head. And I keep working at it in therapy. And once I'm no longer pregnant I will be going back on ssri drugs to begin some proper therapeutic work.

So I do this thing where I get DH to "check" things in my body. My therapist I advised I tell him to refuse to do this. Because it's enabling me and encouraging further focus on my health anxieties. I wouldn't say listening is enabling per se, so long as your friend is talking about her health anxiety in an abstract way. But if she is talking about her conditions, which are undiagnosed, as though they are real I would have a think about how much that is enabling behaviour and encouraging her anxiety. It's hard but it's the best thing for her. It may make her a bit hostile towards you, though.

I mostly keep it to myself. But this is a behavioural pattern to my anxiety usually. Worrying about telling someone and making it real, them taking it seriously etc.

I’ve been told in no uncertain terms by my DS that it’s my issue and I have to deal with it. He says he refuses to pander to me because it will simply feed my anxiety and that I can only react to facts not possibilities. I know he’s right of course. My DH tries his best to understand but all he generally says is “ah, you’ll be alright”. I sometimes wish they’d be a bit more sympathetic and understanding but by the same token, I’m also well aware how draining it is to be around someone with health anxiety. But my fellow sufferers will know that we rarely get a break from it and they should try actually having it! It’s no bloody fun!

Whatever you do, do not offer her reassurances. Don't say "it's probably nothing" or "that doesn't sound like cancer" etc. Seeking reassurance just feeds health anxiety. A therapist would probably advise you to say something along the lines of "I know you are worried about (fill in the blank) but I'm not a doctor and don't know if your concerns are valid or not".

Health anxiety can really take a toll on relationships. The very best thing you can do for your friend is to encourage her to get professional help.

Thanks for the replies. My friend has already been having therapy for some years, but it's clearly not working very well.

I am afraid I just change the conversation as I find it draining, tbh. I will try "Check with your doctor."