What is the best plan of attack if you think you are developing or already are bulimic? Long - sorry!

[secretbinger]

Have name changed as other MNs know me in real life...

For as long as I can remember in my adult life I have always struggled with my weight, and after the DCs went up to about 12 1/2 stone, I am only 5'1 so thats quite heavy. 18 months ago, through diet and exercise I managed to lose a stone or so, and got down to a pair of 14 trousers size and 12 skirts. However, circumstances meant that we moved house and I gave up my gym member ship, and slipped back towards 12 1/2 stone. Recently I have got myself down to 9 1/2 stone, still overweight for my height but managing to get into size 10 clothesm which for me is probably smaller than I have been in my entire adult life as far as I remember. Unfortunately all DH's family are ultra slim, and I have always felt a bit like the fat relation, never wanting my photo taken, always being conscious of being bigger, and then the real kick in the guts when eldest DC commented on my wobbly tummy and bottom, Eventually got to the bottom of that comment - which was if you are fat you will die. Out of the mouths of babes or what.

Anyway, now I have lost the weight (probably too fast - went onto 850 cal diet) I have rejoined the gym, examined my lifestyle - I think I have got very complacent round the house and have a PC based job along with being a SAHM, I am now trying to go back to a "normal" way of eating I have found that I just cant. It was always my worry that I wouldnt be able to maintain my new weight and I am now finding myself even more fixated on my body shape, size, comparing to family members and others in the gym ( am I bigger, smaller, etc) I think that because I lost the weight quite quickly, my brain hasnt really caught up and even looking in the mirror I find it hard to see myself as under 10 stone and still see the 12 1/2 stone me looking back, even though I am having to buy size 10-12 clothes.

My plan has been to,where possible, to avoid eating carbs, as this has previously been a trigger for me, so no bread, potatoes, pasta or rice etc just fruit, low or no fat dairy, lean protein and lots of veg. I am also finding that I am fixated by the number of calories burnt. For example today I cycled for 45 minutes, and have just got back from walking the dog briskly for 2 hours after an "episode" when at a family gathering today.

I start the day with the best of intentions and some days get through by just snacking on veg and fruit. However, increasingly I have found myself to feel completely out of control around food, today at my inlaws there was a buffet style meal and although I started off perfectly - salad and salmon, and fruit for desert, then found myself hovering round the table scoffing the bread, then slivers of cheese, then crackers, then more bread, then small pieces of flapjack, more bits of fruit (a few grapes here, a strawberry there) then the coffee and chocolates came out, and I am still ramming food in, now feeling very uncomfortable but still going. Eventually I had to ask my DH to collect the children so we could go home, as I knew that if we stayed any longer I would keep going. In the car I confessed to DH and got very emotional and he said "oh just like at X's birthday party in the week - why did you do it again? You know how bad it made you feel?" A similar incident happened at a kids party where I hovered around the food without realising it, and ate far more than anyone else, feeling utterly out of control and then feeling very uncomfortable. I had already been to the gym for an hour that morning, but again walked the dog for 2 hours in the evening and then found myself unable to leave the gym the follwing day until I had spent 2 hours there, and burnt sufficient calories on each machine to compensate for what I had eaten the day before.

My answer today was to come home, get the DC's into bed as quick as I could and again grab the dog and get out for 2 hours. If I could have made myself sick I would have done as I felt so uncomfortable which is an awful thing to even think. Whilst walking it suddenly dawned on me that I might be heading towards bulimia, or already there. I was so uncomfortable this pm that if I could have made myself sick (which I cant even contemplate) I would have done. I feel desperately sad and worried and a bit on a rollercoaster that my life may have come to this. Typically its Bank Holiday tomorrow and there is nothing I can do until at least Tuesday. However any wise words would be useful at this point.

Sorry - I didnt realise that would be so long... thanks if you got to the end!

I really do sympathise. I was a binge-eater/dieter for 17 years, from the age of 17. I am now completely recovered and find it hard to remember the desperation I used to feel, so do not give up hope, you can get back to normal.

It is much much healthier for your body to maintain a stable weight, even if that is higher than you would currently like it to be, than to lose and gain.

You are being FAR too restrictive in your daily eating and it is only a matter of time until you binge if you try to cut out all carbohydrates.

You really need to get back in tough with your hunger, rather than trying to beat it into submission. Eat slowly, sitting at the table, do not eat standing up or on the run.
Try leaving a couple of mouthfuls on your plate. Try not to be rigid about how much you eat, as though if you eat a little bit more than you planned, you need to throw in the towel and have an all out binge.

You really need plenty of good wholesome protein and carbohydrate, at regular mealtimes so that your body learns that it will be fed and can stop fearing starvation.

Eating disorders are usually a cover for underlying emotional issues and if you can combine practical, dietary stuff with counselling or psychotherapy you will recover more quickly. It's good that your DH knows - eating disorders thrive in secret and the more you can get things out in the open the better.

Please try not to diet. Please try not to weigh yourself. Dress well - wear clothes that make you feel good, do not wear stuff that's too tight, don't have clothes lying around waiting for you to diet into them.

And remember that there is a lot of media madness around about being skinny. Your body has its own healthy, setpoint weight which is nothing to do with what size or shape anyone else is.

Good luck x

Thanks Janni for your wise words. I guess the most positive thing is that I am realising it before I am in too deep.

Hi SB - am an insomniac at the moment and just saw your post.

Janni said a lot of what I would say - if you restrict yourself to that extent, you're bound to 'succomb' as you're just not giving your body enough to work with.

I have been where you are (for a long time) and do feel I'm through it now, so like Janni said, you can get through this.

Like you, days were spent in a fuddle totting calories consumed versus calories spent. I used to exercise up to 5 hours a day at times to be 'in credit' with calories. (Joined two gyms to make that possible!)

Sadly - I would have have made myself sick if I was able to...

I do agree with Janni though, the ED is symptomatic of probably deeper stuff, have you got any opportunity to maybe look at that?

I have other issues I'm having to deal with now, but the peace of mind from being through (the worst part of) my EDs is huge - and it's very positive you recognise a problem, that's half-way to dealing with it in my book. Believe me, I never imagined I'd be at a point when I didn't have the dreaded ED by my side...you can do it though...

Good luck!
Gerbrajess x

Thanks, I so recognise myself in the totting up of calories in versus calories out and I guess the ED are there, but doesnt everyone have these? I never really got over the death of my father although 10 yrs ago, have very strange/strained relationship with my mother, have recently moved house and have isolating at home job, to name but a few, there is one huge one lurking in the very past which I wont share on here, but I thought this was done and dusted. I have spoken to DH a bit more today and have agreed to visit GP and see what they have to say, although I understand that this could be a bit hit and miss.

sorry not ED , meant to say emotional issues EI, oops

Oh SB - tney sound like they are things that could trigger the ED - you should go to GP - although be aware they're not all as good as each other...my first gp said 'well, i'll refer you, but you're not exactly a 4-stone weakling are you' !!

I have such a lovely GP now, it is worth changing if you're not comfortable with the one you're seeing. If they listen to you they should refer you and getting some practical support in the form of counselling will be a huge help. I was put on ADs as well and though I feel a bit bad about promoting recourse to pills, they were incredibly beneficial in getting through it all, the urge to binge / starve was so much less.

My whole life was consumed with calorie intake / output - and I just want to reassure you that with some help, you can get through this. I can even have a pizza now and feel little more than god I'm full

big virtual hug to you!
Gerbra x

Its such a funny thought to have as I am trudging through town with the dog passing cafes and restaurants, that I could not even contemplate going out for a meal, because I wouldnt know the calorific intake, and it would probably be huge and how many calories would I have to expend in the gym to compensate for the number I had taken in etc. This is SO alien to me, as I love my food, and before this big weight loss have always REALLY enjoyed eating out and never given a fig about the number of calories, and would always have a starter, main course and a pudding... much to the eyebrow raising of the rest of DH's family. I guess I have always teetered on the brink of depression, and maybe the ED has always been there in the background. DH admits he is scared sh*tless ( his words ) about all this, but has promised to support me anyway he can. I did force mysself to eat a couple of v low fat crackers today, and an oat based bar thing ( which I had made so therefore had worked out the calories of ) equally have alwyas been one to make homemade cakes etc and eat them without a second thought, its such a huge culture shift for me and I really dont know where it has come from.

SB - I used to DREAD big family reunions - half my family is from the US - therefore - abs of steel, perfect teeth, so glowing you have to wear shades to look at them!

I also made excuses to avoid meals out as the panic of eating what I didn't know the calorie content of was just too scary. This was so engrained in my life I couldn't see a way out of it...at that time, I honestly couldn't have seen another way for myself.

I don't want you to think things are perfect now - I've transferred bad habits to other bad habits - but the positive thing is you can change this bad habit and with some help in understanding why you're doing it, you've got good tools in dealing with any other destructive habits that may crop up.

The fact you have fresh memories about eating guilt-free has got to be a positive - I'm sure you can re-find a healthy attitude to food.

good luck again - i'm sure you'll be fine, it will take some work but it sounds like DH (although a bit perplexed) is there for you

gerbra x

p.s. ...not that I'm condoning a small body...but... for the whole time I dieted / exercised / binged etc. I averaged between size 12 and size 14.
since that miraculous time I managed to get control over my ED I average between size 8 and size 10 - that, in my view, speaks volumes...I only mention this as it might help you to think 'sod the calories-counting nightmare'

gerbra x

thank you x

I would second gerbarajess's last post. I am a lot slimmer now that I'm no longer obsessed with food than when I had an ED.