Hesitant to become a kidney donor

[AnxietyIsKillingMe]

Hey everyone
This is quite a long story so I hope you’ll bear with me.

My DH has chronic kidney disease and is at the point where he will shortly need dialysis and/or a transplant. He’s been asked to speak with friends and relatives about a living donor.
Two siblings have offered, but neither is a match for his blood group.

initially, I was also happy to get tested and have had the first set of bloods to check my blood group (awaiting results)

BUT
The more I’ve thought about it, the less sure I am

DH is early 30s.
However, his CDK is a symptom of a genetic disorder he has (I would name it but it’s rare and if anyone who knows me read this they’d be fairly sure it was me and may tell him I’ve written it).

The thing is, people with his condition have a vastly reduced life expectancy which rarely exceeds 40 years.

Being early 30s already, statistically he has maybe 10 years at most. Potentially not even that much.

From the little literature I can find online,(there is virtually nothing) transplant has only been given as a treatment and been successful In ‘Few cases’ for his condition

But the trouble is, there are no specialists in our country that understand his condition fully so he is just seeing a nephrologist who is treating the kidneys as he would anyone else’s who presented with CKD.

Now, if it were a case of donating a kidney and potentially giving him a lot more years, I wouldn’t hesitate.

But I’m reluctant to lose a kidney myself, and face potential issues from surgery, if it isn’t likely to
A. Be successful
and
B. Increase his life expectancy.

But I feel selfish for feeling that way
He has already fallen out with one sibling because they didn’t offer to get tested and didn’t offer a reason why not.

And he’s already terrified he will drop dead tomorrow (he has major health anxiety) despite his consultant telling him that’s extremely unlikely

So I can’t explain to him that I don’t think a transplant is going to be the magic cure he’s convinced himself it will be
And I know if I just tell him I don’t want to, it will impact on our relationship significantly

I don’t want to lose him, either through relationship breakdown, or death. But at the same time I’m too logical and realistic to convince myself that if I were a match, I could give him a kidney and we would grow old together.

I don’t really know what I’m asking

i think I just needed to get it out.

The transplant team can say you aren’t a match if you ask them to.
I wonder if the siblings have done the same, since they could otherwise be part of a donation chain that would get your husband a different kidney.

Just ask the kidney team to say you aren’t a match.
The only person I would ever give a kidney to is my child. Not anyone else.
The fact his is down to genetics and life expectancy is low, no way would I do it. It’s a huge procedure.

It's ok to write it all down here to help organise your thoughts.

Asking people to be considered as an organ donor is a complex request. It's a difficult thing to be asked and comes with a lot of "what ifs".

Sending you a virtual hand hold, you must be feeling so conflicted x

The transplant teams are very good at supporting potential donors with making this decision. If you raise your concerns they will be able to exclude you as a suitable donor without disclosing why. You don't have to be the one who says no.
Donating a kidney is a huge thing to do and it's absolutely ok to decide that it's not the right thing for you to do.