Dear friend with Pancreatic Cancer - what can I say

[prawncocktailcrispss]

Asking for advice for someone who may have been in the same situation. A dear friend who I worked with for many many years has been diagnosed with inoperable pancreatic cancer. From what I have seen from people who have had this - it's quite a painful death. He has just retired and had so many plans ahead of him. When/if I go to see him - what do you say to someone who has had this sort of news ? How can I lift the spirits ? I really want to start visiting him but am soo scared of saying something where I put my foot in it.

Can you take someone with you, does he have a partner who you can speak to to see how he is coping ? It's really hard SS op

Has he been given a timescale - it may not be terminal - just treatable - TBH I would not know what to say ? Christmas - birthdays etc - how old is he OP

How can I lift the spirits ?

You mean your own spirits, or his? He's just had a terminal diagnosis, OP -- he's going to be coming to terms with this. Just make contact and tell him you're thinking of him, and that you'd like to see him, if he feels like company. Take your cue from him.

It may be enough to start with contact via a message and then maybe a phone call rather than a visit- it may be too much pressure for him to put a brave face on things for your benefit

Go see him and focus on asking him questions about him. Dont ‘tell’ him to do anything. Say it sucks and you’re sorry he has such a tough diagnosis. Try and be calm and low key until you can gage his mood and if he would find bright cheeriness uplifting or too much. Dont weep all over him and talk about yourself unless he asks first.

Totally unnecessary comment, you could have really kept that 1st part to yourself.

If your friend is up to it try and encourage him to tick some of those things he had planned off his bucket list. you could do it together.

Don’t try to lift his spirits - it is a grim diagnosis and he probably needs space and support to react in whatever way he’s feeling. It’s ok to say you don’t know what to say - I would offer any practical help you can think of eg help with meals / cleaning / gardening / lifts to hospital depending on what his situation is. And don’t be scared off by the diagnosis - when people get very bad news it’s fairly common for people to avoid them because of their own discomfort / not knowing what to say but it may be that he just wants some “normal” conversation / company watching football or whatever he’s into. Take your lead from him.

My Dad died from this nearly 2 months ago. It was incredibly quick for him (just over 2 weeks from diagnoses to his death) and while the last week was not pleasant he said he didn't have too much pain, which was one of the reasons why it had spread so fast - if he'd have had more symptoms he would have got it checked out. So it might not be as awful as you're expecting OP.

Sorry, meant to say - he'll just be glad to see you, don't treat him any differently

No, I couldn't. The thing that people really suffer from when they get a terminal diagnosis, or a sudden bereavement, is people avoiding them because they don't know what to say, or because they think they're supposed to cheer them up.

It's not entirely clear here whether the OP is referring to her own spirits or her ill friend's, so I was giving her the benefit of the doubt. She may well be talking about keeping her own spirits up, which isn't unreasonable, as it's difficult to watch a friend deal with serious or terminal illness, and not unreasonable to think about how she can support herself while supporting him.

A colleague died with similar diagnosis after he retired a few years back, within 6 months of retiring. The first we knew about his diagnosis with when we were notified of his funeral. Terrible shock and very quick deterioration. Wish I could have said thank you and goodbye.

Maybe you could reach out with the intention that the interaction will likely be more of a good bye than anything else.

Are there any plans he had that you know you could facilitate in a small way?

If he wanted more time to read can you get him some audible books on subjects he loves or classics read by brilliant actors. If he wanted to garden can you get him one of those indoor pods that grows herbs and lettuces?

If he wanted to see some great plays can you sit with him and watch some of the NT live shows?

Anything that is easy and quick to achieve but implicitly says: You are still alive and you might enjoy this, despite your pain and illness.

My dad used to teach an adult ed class and had a student who kept coming back for years as he loved the subject. When the student got too ill to travel, once my dad and the class turned up by arrangement with the student's wife and held the class around his bedside, so he could join in. He was very touched that they all loved him that much as he had missed the class. You'd have to be sure such an act would be appreciated, but if it might be, would a gang visit from colleagues who love him be a good idea, with some acoustic live music perhaps? A bit of a quiet, short party? I helped organise one for someone who was dying and it was an amazing event. They wanted it and loved it.

I think it was a really good comment actually.

Most people just don’t ’now how to behave around illnesses, let alone one where you know the person is dying in front of you.
So they want to ‘lift their spirits’ read they don’t want to be gloomy, talk about death or hear how hard it is to tell your dcs you’re going to die. They want a sanitized version of being ill. The one where the good patient is cheery, and full optimism. The version where they don’t have to face their own mortality.

@prawncocktailcrispss you just be yourself. Talk about normal thing. John in account and Joel in marketing (assuming these were your discussions before)
Ask how they are doing, about their family (spouse, children?).

IF your friend wants to talk about how they feel, or the reality of the illness or how hard it was to share this diagnosis, just listen.

In a similar situation I just sent regular texts asking how they were but also sending newsy chat etc. He said many times how much he appreciated them and I think it was probably a distraction. When he passed away I was glad I had made the effort,

I think just go and talk to him normally as you would any friend, express sympathy at the diagnosis and ask him how he is. If he wants to talk at length about treatment then hear him out and be a good listener. Look out for him feeling tired and just wanting to rest. Think of any practical help you could offer.

You say they are a "dear friend". What kind of contact do you normally have with him?

I have a terminal cancer diagnosis. I find it wearing when friends I haven't really seen for ages suddenly want to come and see me. I'd frankly much rather have the odd Facebook interaction or WhatsApp message from them, if that is our normal level of interaction.

Whereas my proper friends, who are and have been an active part of my life are welcome to continue on that basis.

If you do go and see him, please remember this is about him, not you and please don't bloody try to "lift his spirits". Just sit with him and be guided by his mood and what he is saying.

Is he a friend you normally visit or spend time with? If so then do what you normally do. Don't avoid the subject but don't try to put a gloss on it.
If you normally only see him through work or an activity then just message and keep on messaging. It's worth saying that you don't mind if he doesn't feel up to replying. Don't let that stop you.

Thanks - he had the diagnosis in March - and is having Chemo to extend life so will see people in the garden. I have tried to put myself in his shoes .

That's so sad - I had a dream that I went to see him and gave him a really tight hug - never did this in 'real life' it was almost subconsciously I was saying goodbye to him - I cannot even thing of a funeral down the line - he had so many retirement dreams

we worked together - in a small office as part of a team for 20 plus years - we were friends and he was a lovely colleague - respected by so many

thank you, and for reaching out when you have this to deal with - I really appreciate this comment - we kind of lost touch when WFH from Covid and things were never the same again in the office. We were just close work colleagues and me with partners outside of work - but your comment really puts things into perspective for me - which I am really grateful for

I can offer a perspective from the other side if it helps?
First of all, how I'll is your friend?
DH has a terminal diagnosis. Initially it seemed as though he had a very short time to live. Actually, some treatment has helped and so while terminal, it could be some time.
Friends who he has not seen for some time have been visiting over the last year or so. Because he has been quite well, it's just been a normal visit - drinks, or coffee, a meal, a walk or whatever. It's been wonderful to reminisce and reconnect.
There has been no wailing or gnashing of teeth, just a good meeting of old friends.
Take your cues from him as to how he wants to.play it. He may want to talk about it, or he may not.
It may be completely different if he is very sick, in which case he may not be up.to.talkimg much. Could you read to him or listen to a podcast together or something?
DH always feels sad saying goodbye to these people as he doesn't know if he will see them again.

Be honest and open.

Dear friend, I'm sorry about your news. I'd love to come and see you. Be guided by BBC what he wants to talk about.