Feeling Misecky

[Moomin]

...another word for a miserable bugger, if you were wondering!
Feeling very low today and wouldn't mind some words of support if anyone's feeling charitable...

Home life is great at the mo - dd is wonderful, dh the same, am now working part-time with excellent rate of pay, so I shouldn't have anything to moan about...BUT...

Am wondering is I'm feeling depressed due to bereavement. My mum died when I was 9 and my auntie and cousin took over the main mummy-type roles while my dad brought me up (girly things like help when I started my periods, first grown-up haircut, shopping in town, etc.) My auntie died very suddenly in Feb of this year from a stroke which was a huge shock, but at least we all got to say goodbye at her bedside and we felt that even though 77 is not that old really, she'd had a very vibrant and rich life. Then my cousin was taken ill in May and had a abcess on her brain misdiagnosed. It developed into something very serious, she had brain surgery and was in a coma for weeks and weeks. Even though it looked as if she'd survive eventually, she caught pneumonia in hospital and was too weak to fight it and died in July. She was 52.

I feel so devestated about the loss of 2 such important people in my life but at the same time feel as if I should be coping better because they weren't my mum, IYKWIM. My cousin's daughter is 22 and she's my god-daughter so I'm trying hard to help her as much as her mum helped me when I was younger, and she's being so brave but I feel very weak and a bit useless. Usually, day to day, I'm fine. I'm a usually very outgoing person, who has a lot to be very grateful for but I feel very low when I allow myself to think about all this too much. I also feel very grumpy towards people at work. I'm off work today - have got PMT and couldn't face trying to make an effort. When I go back tomorrow they'll want an answer as to whether I'm going to the Xmas Do next week. I've always really enjoyed it in the past but I feel like not going and just spending the day with dh and dd. Am I cutting off my nose to spite my face?
Can't decide whether how I'm feeling is just PMT or after-effects from what's happened this year. There are a few other things going on as well (to do with the end of a long friendship) but won't bore you with that just now!...

It's probably PMT that's making you feel more down about that bad things that have happened Moomin. Don't feel guilty about not coping - you aren't meant to cope ALL the time. (It would make everyone else feel too useless ) Your Aunt and cousin were obviously very important to you and you are perfectly entitled to grieve for them. It probably will help your god daughter if you do show her how devestaed you are - she might be feeling that she has to be so brave because you are. If you both admit jsut how awful you feel to each other it mifght help you both to come to terms with your loss.

I understand exactly what you mean though when you say that you shouldn't have anything to moan about - I have a "perfect" life - lovely dd, great dh, I love my job, have just got a decent (for the climate) bonus but still don't feel happy sometimes. When I read about some of the awful things that some people on here have to cope with I feel very guilty - but we all feel low at times, and are completely entitled to do so. Sometimes it does us good to allow some time to just wallow in sadness before we pick ourselves up and get on with life.

moomin, just wanted to add to these wise words and say sorry you're having a bad day. When I'm pre-menstrual I find every little bit of feeling in me is exaggerated and I cry at things that would normally make me shrug. So don't underestimate the hormonal effect!

My dad died last year and I think bereavement is (cliche coming up, but what the hell) a roller coaster: you can feel fine one minute and newly devastated all over again the next. It's all very early days for you in getting used to your loss and you're bound to still be feeling it. (Sorry if that sounds platitudinous) So what if your aunt wasn't your mum, she was like one in a lot of ways and it's bound to hurt.

As for the Christmas do, don't bother if you don't want to, cocoon yourself with your loved ones instead if that's what you feel like doing. Grief is an understandable reaction to the end of a long friendship too. I hope tomorrow is better, let us know won't you?

I am sorry to hear about your loss Moomin. Grief affects people in many different ways so I don't think you are being fair to yourself when you say you should cope better. Do you usually get low with PMT or does this feel different?
Do you talk to your god-daughter about her mother? Perhaps sharing memories of her will help you to come to terms with your loss. Do you usually try to cope by putting on a brave face? Do you see it as a sign of weakness if you let people know how you are really feeling? Sometimes it pays to be honest with people and just say today is a bad day, tomorrow... who knows? Would it help if you wrote down all that has happened to you and how this makes you feel?
Do you get on well with the people at your work? If you do, will they understand that you don't want to commit yourself to the xmas party? If the thought of an office xmas party is too much, avoid it and spend time with your dd and dh.
I seem to have answered your message with a lot of questions - hope that is ok.
Wishing you all the best.

Oh, Moomin, I do feel bad for you. Your auntie and cousin "were" your mum - you can't switch feelings on and off according to what's on a piece of paper. The way you feel now is as if it was your mum who died, again, this year, for both your auntie and your cousin, and for anybody that is a devastating experience. You shouldn't be "coping better". They were obviously both lovely caring women who did their best for you and deserve to be mourned and missed by you for that, and the way your cousin died when it looked as if she should have survived must have been extra painful.

In a way you are in a worse position emotionally than your god-daughter, who has got to the age of 22 before being bereaved - I suspect the feelings of the 9-yr-old Moomin whose mother died are kicking in here and that's partly why you feel so low.

No, you are not cutting off your nose to spite your face - do anything you have to this year to make yourself feel better. Be there for your god-daughter as much as you can but protect yourself as much as possible too, this has obviously been a horrendous year for you and you need to get through it any way you can. Take care.

I am soooo touched by your lovely messages. It's made me feel better reading them - better in the sense that I fel ok feeling crap, IYKWIM!

I took 2 days off work in the end and spent most of the 2nd just crying and feeling very raw. But I think that's what was needed: having a good wallow in sad feelings and not feeling guilty about it. Dh had his work Do last night (which he'd already paid for) but quietly gave his apols during the afternoon, so's not to make me feel guilty and then told me he'd much rather be with me, so we had a nice evening with me feeling very lucky and loved, despite what's happened this year. I do think my auntie's and cousin's deaths definitely brought up feelings about my mum's death, esp as they were such significant female figures in my life. It's funny how things can seem much more hopeless one day and yet so much more in perspective the next. I'm sure I wouldn't be feeling like this if I hadn't had the opportunity to just let it all go. BTW, also ate 15 ferraro roche (spelling?)chocs on the 2nd day off, but I think that was more the PMT than anything. It felt GREAT!

I've decided to now purge myself of the other issue that's been bothering me (about the end of my friendship) but I think I'll start another thread for that one, as it deals with issues about attitudes towards children from childless people. Thanks so much everyone who replied. There is light at the end of the tunnel!