What to do with mum

[charlie19900]

Just looking for support really and advice I'm one of 5 sisters me and 3 sisters have been talking In private on what to do with mum. Other sisters have major problems in there life and they are oblivious to what's going on.

Mum is 56 since 2020 she's had a chronic cough. Lies about seeing a doctor for frequent infections and just has phone calls. She plays done her symptoms massively she's a heavy smoker.

Anyways over the last year she's had dramatic weight lost to the point she wears baggy clothes to hide it ! She looks pale.

She has coughing episodes to the point she is sweating and I mean it's dripping off her face: she catches infections every month she also has shoulder pain and blames it on sleeping funny:

When we her daughters approach her about all of this she shuts us out and blames it on oh everyone has this cough or I caught this cold from the grandkids.

Then she blanks us and don't pick up the phone till she is better ...

I'm asthmatic and she's always asking me if I have a spear pump or any antibiotics I always say let's call the doctors and get them to give u one. She refuses. It will be 5 years in January since this all started and it's now affecting her every day life

When she's talking she can see she's trying hard to breath but if we dare bring it up she shuts us down.

What next ? Just leave her till she gets worst or risk her not talking to us ever again? I can't lose my mum she holds out family together ?

Could this be lung cancer ? Could she have it for 5 years ? Or copd

Thanks in advance x

Anyone xx

I'm so sorry, but this sounds, potentially, very serious. However, unless your mum is prepared to see a doctor, there is very little you can do as it seems as though she has capacity to make her own decisions.

Difficult. DM would never tell the doctor what was wrong with her when she had checkups - I suspect she didn't want to know, and your DM might be the same. Plus she came from a generation that didn't want to be a trouble and make a fuss. Unfortunately she ended up with a terminal and hence untreatable cancer.

Do you know what surgery your mother goes to? perhaps you could contact them and tell them your concerns. Sorry, no other ideas come to mind.

@whyhere @MrsDanversGlidesAgain thanks
For you reply's. Yes it is serious and she's so proud she just hides away same thing happened with my nan and it was to
Late. I'm going away with her next week and I'm going to talk to her again.

Just so hard when she's in denial x

She must feel like absolute shit. Five years?? Perhaps ask right out why she'd rather suffer than see the doctor and see what she says.

I'm really sorry this is happening and your mum is so young! I'm a couple of years younger than her but I have been through cancer treatment and know how scary it is. I'm sad that she's left these symptoms for so long, especially as she now has shoulder pain. I don't know how you force somebody to the GP though. Would she agree if she was accompanied? She must know that things are serious but it's not too late to try and get some help. I really hope you find a solution

@MrsDanversGlidesAgain I called her yesterday morning we call every morning as I make sure she's ok. She had call me back as she was coughing so much.

I'm only 32 and don't wanna lose mum.

Yes she 100 percent feels like shit she still going to work in a kitchen and when she's home she is so tired.

She always blamed it on a smackers cough but no way no way she wouldn't lose weight so drastically. My sister tried to take her to the doctors and she went behind our back and got a call back and said they gave her antibiotics for a chest infection without even seeing her ... she plays down her symptoms I think she's scared ! Who wouldn't be but it's making me angry why be so selfish to leave you children and grandchildren ! I'm scared that because it's been 5 years we will have zero options x

@TheFormidableMrsC thanks for your reply it's a hard situation she knows she ill she lies and sneaks around and plays it down !! Next week im gunna be hard and give her a choice ! I need to get her seen asap x

So sorry, how stressful. Maybe write how you feel down in a letter and pass it to her, gives everyone some time to process and then you can sit and talk when everyone is ready to. Sometimes when we bring up a conversation, the other person just isn’t prepared in that moment to respond and the conversations just don’t go well xx

I guess she can't be forced to go to the doctor, is her doctor someone she's had for a while, maybe call the doctor and explain and see what they say.

In terms of the cough itself, I've had a cough for nearly 2 years! Similar to your mum I can cough so much I'm sweaty, oxygen levels will drop and have frequent infections. I myself was diagnosed with Bronchiectasis just before Christmas after being treated as an asthmatic. I had a CT scan which showed what it was.

Basically you won't know unless she sees a GP and gets referred for a CT scan, X-rays etc.

I guess she's fearing the worst and that's why she's scared.

I think it's going to have to be a tough love situation. If this is as serious as it sounds, she's going to have to face up to things and of course that is terrifying. I lost my mum to oesophageal cancer. She wouldn't discuss it, wouldn't let anybody go to appointments, wouldn't tell us what her consultant had said. It was obvious to me she was dying. I had to arrange to take my Dad to see the consultant by ourselves because my mum had led him to believe she was going to be fine. It was very very hard. No conversations could be had and nobody had any idea of her wishes. I was quite cross at the time because it felt very frustrating and I would rather her end of life had not been so stressful.

Again, it's fear, facing up to reality. I get it. However, if she is very ill, there is going to come a point where she is going to need pain management at least, if not now. I do, however, hope that there are treatment options for her still. I think the GP in your mums case has been utterly negligent at not having her in and examining her. A persistent cough is a red flag symptom that needs investigating. So sorry you're going through this.

It'll partly be the smoking. As in, regardless of the cause of the cough, she'll be advised very strongly to give up smoking and she obviously doesn't want to. Smokers, alcoholics and obese people can tend to have a habit of avoiding doctors because they feel pressured to do things they can't or don't want to do.

Yes I believe she's lying. Doctors hate giving out antibiotics for anything, they're pretty much obsessed with not giving them out and only giving them in minimal quantities. So I don't believe for one minute they're giving them out every couple of months over the phone, I think they'd be insisting on seeing her and maybe making a referral to a specialist to get to the root cause.

The main problem you've got is two. First, you've got your own feelings about all this and you want to fix the situation for your own sake. That's understandable, but it doesn't take account of your mum being a separate person with her own wishes. All you can do is contact her GP surgery with a description of her symptoms like you've written here and I'm sure they'll call her in for a face to face appointment.

The second issue is your mum has the right to make decisions about her own life, including daft ones. This includes the right to refuse medical tests or treatment. Her opinion has to be respected. I know you don't want her to die but she has the right to live her life in the best way for herself, it's not selfish for her to do that. Perhaps she has no particular wish to get old, with all the problems that entails? She obviously doesn't want to give up her addiction to nicotine because she's not even trying to do anything about that. Maybe she believes whatever happens is fate and has never been much of a fan of medical interventions? It's not necessarily something you'd know about a person until something happens and they refuse treatment. If you're going to talk to her about this situation, you're going to need to do it from a place of respect and trying to understand her, which means centering her and her opinions, because it's her life and not yours. As you've seen, trying to tell her what to do to achieve the outcome you want is getting you nowhere and is only going to mean that you're constantly at loggerheads, angry with each other instead of being able to enjoy whatever time there is.

At the moment you're trying to control this situation to reduce your own fears, you need to let go of that, be prepared to feel your fears and accept there's nothing you can do about them. That will free you up to be supportive to your mum and her wishes.

@EdgeOfTheAbysssss I completely agree with u. The last thing I want is for anything to happen to her. My mum is strong women and is very proud. We go away Monday on a little holiday so I'm hoping to have a few chats with her and I'm going to take it slow and let her take charge. I no she is scared. She did buy a vape not long ago but again she's been smoking so many years it's hard for her. She has a very stressful life with one of my sisters relying on her massively due to mental health.

I no my mum dose not want to die and the only thing I can do is support her and try and convince her to get to the doctors. Even if she don't want my other sister involved I will happily take her privately.

It's a sad situation. It just annoys me when she calls and says oh can u buy antibiotics online. She must no she's poorly. I'll keep u posted about how it's gone ! Thank you for the information and support x