is there a medical solution to low sex drive in men?

[lucylala]

Not sure if there is, hence the question, BUT I have always had a much higher sex drive than my husband. Mine is through the roof and he is non existant! Everything else in our relationship is great and we do love each other and we've talked endlessly about our problematic sex life.

I'm wondering whether it's worth going to doctors about it?

Hubby just says he's always stressed and tired and worrying about money etc etc - but he's been like this for last 11yrs and everytime one stress sorts itself out he blames another...

Any suggestions?

Is it sex or is it sex drive - have you been brave enough to ask him if he "sorts himself out" on a regular basis? And does he wake up with morning erections or his it his whole sex life that's faded?

it's definately sex drive, he can get an erection within seconds of being touched but pushes me away. He said he does 'sort himself out' but very rarely. He wakes up regularly with an erection and also sometimes get one when we're lying in bed together but said he prefers for it to just 'go away' cos 'he can't be arsed having sex or a wank'

It's causing a lot of problems but we do have a good relationship and have talked and talked about it to death. Said he does fancy me but just NEVER feels like sex.

oh dear - a trip to the doctor my help but sadly a psychosexual counsellor would prob be better. I say sadly as most men (and many women!) would prob rather run for the hills and turn up and discuss such an issue.

I think most women can relate to your husband (odd thing to be saying...!) but the solution many people have found is that just making yourself get on with it leads to more interest and enjoyment.

I always think it's like a habit that's easy to get out of but equally easy to get back into- unless you lie arpound waiting to feel like it again (that may never happen!).

Presume you have tried the "always have sex on a friday whatever" type of apporach?

Once read some stuff from a sex therapist...not that I make a habit of it you understand!.

She said with sex, the more you do it, the more you want it, AND, also, which I though was interesting, that when people have "gone off" sex, to "Just do it" (like the Nike slogan apparently!)ie, it doesn't always need lots of discussion or analysis, just getting on with it without really thinking about it can relight the flames.

i know what you're saying fizzbuzz, but when someone doesn't want sex, trying get them to 'just do it' is impossible, and can make them and you feel worse.

and if OP is anything like me, she may have given up trying to instigate anything because she's always rejected.

i don't have any answers i'm afraid, if i did i'd have a sex life myself. you aren't alone OP.

But I think her point was, to try and break out of that.

Eg once you get going then you get into it IYKWIM She claimed it was the best way to resolve sexual droughts. It is a similar thing to what Gagarin was saying....

However if someone isn't even prepared to give it a go to get over that, then I'm not sure what you would do.

He could do with seeing his GP to get his testosterone and other hormone levels checking. It would also be wise to screen for diabetes and high blood pressure.

If purely its a matter of mismatched sex drives and if he's keen to resolve it, your GP could refer you both for psychosexual counselling.

thanks for all the replies and you're right I have got sick of initiating it and being rejected, or worse, initiating it and feeling like he's going through the motions to 'keep me happy' - it's been years since I had an orgasm with him because I never feel sexy or wanted.

I can't imagine him agreeing to go to a psychosexual counsellor but anything is worth a shot I suppose, i'll mention it to him. I do keep wondering about testosterone levels - because my sex drive is through the roof, I think maybe I must have nicked all his testosterone to add to my own! (hope I don't grow a moustache cos then he definately won't fancy me!)

thanks girls and glad to hear I'm not alone

Can I answer from a bloke's perspective?

Does he still fancy you? Was your sexlife a bit samey? Is he looking at porn on t'internet or in the garage? Has he suggested things that you turned down?

Does he share his feelings with you? Do you still cuddle and snuggle up together? Are you earning more than him? Is he bisexual?

It sounds odd to me that he masturbates, wakes up with erections, springs to life if touched, but doesn't want sex. I think there's more to be sorted out in your relationship than shagging, tbh.

yes, blokes perspective very welcome.

He says he still fancies me,and does say I look nice, look fit etc etc (but to be honest, i can't really believe that he does still fancy me)

Sex life is a bit samey but it's him not me. I have tried all sorts to spice it up and am basically up for doing ANYTHING, anyplace, anytime and have made it very clear this is the case.

He says he doesn't look at porn, I look at porn all the time, quite openly, I have a box of erotic fiction under our bed and he knows it is well used and says he hasn't got a problem with it.

He's earning miles more than me, and always has done. We cuddle and kiss and hug and hold hands and hug each other when we come in from work. We have a laugh, we tell each other our fears and worries, we mess about and are silly together, we are a proper team when it comes to sorting the kids out and I can honestly say he makes me feel very loved in every other way.

i have asked him if he's gay several times and he's denied it and been quite upset that I should ask him.

If we do ever have sex, he does say he enjoys it, he always orgasms (TMI?) and is lovely with me afterwards but then just goes back to saying he can't be arsed.

WTF??

I've just sort of decided that he is a-sexual.

Oh dear....

"... I look at porn all the time, quite openly, I have a box of erotic fiction under our bed and he knows it is well used and says he hasn't got a problem with it."

From posts about porn from women on this site I think this may be part of the problem?

Some mners say they feel horribly compared/unable to compete with fanatsy women in porn mags etc and that it makes them feel demeaned and unable to be sexually confident with their partners even though they try and "be cool" about their dps porn use. Why can't your man feel the same? And to keep it under the bed...omigod...if that was me not your dp i'd die of humiliation.

Not sure where to advise you to go with this - but maybe you can see GP and ask for a psychosexual referral and go yourself to see if you can get any insight into what's going on? Dp may join you later?

Or you can contact your local Relate

www.relate.org.uk/sexproblems/sextherapy/

Good luck to the both of you - you sound like a great team who both deserve to ride off into the sunset together!

He doesn't sound like a man with a low sex drive at all - a man with testosterone problems or a low sex drive is unlikely to wake up with erections and get erections instantly when stimulated

He sounds like he has deeper problems I'm afraid, which are psychological in root rather than physical

I agree that Relate might be a good place to start with exploring this, but if he doesn't WANT to explore it then it is going to be tricky to get very far

but maybe you can see GP and ask for a psychosexual referral and go yourself to see if you can get any insight into what's going on? Dp may join you later?

I really don't think the problem lies with the OP

"I really don't think the problem lies with the OP "

Morningpaper, I think that both parties in a couple relationship need to get help when things go wrong - and blame is not a part of that.

For whatever reason the issues are between the OP and her dp - and sometimes one part of the partnership can go out of the situation for advice and to let off steam when they're ready - and the other half can join them when they feel ready.

The problem may not "Lie with the OP" but she's the one posting and she's the one perceiving the problem so maybe she's ready to look for advice before her partner?

Just coming back in - it really doesn't sound like his sex drive - all the bits are there and are working. To me it sounds like he has some other issues around physical intimacy, which he may or may not be ready to deal with. I would also consider some sort of relationship counselling.

Hope you get it sorted.

lucylala, did you mention the counsellor to him?

i'm in a similar position- it's been 3.5mths since DH and i did anything sexual, although we cuddle, hold hands etc.

But I know he's not cheating, looking at porn, or even masturbating. It's crossed my mind briefly that he might be gay aswell, but it's been a silly, passing thought. I have no idea if he wakes with an erection, and i'm too afraid to ask because any discussion of sex is called 'pressure' and he'd rather be left alone.

it's quite a sad situation, but the rest of our relationship is so good, i put it to the back of my mind.