My sister is refusing to see a doctor

[Soowoo]

I am worried about my sister’s health and have been gently encouraging her to see a doctor for several years, but she never does. I am scared to push this with her as she can be extremely volatile emotionally (eg flying into screaming rages with no warning), but I am concerned she will have a heart attack or stroke if she does not get help soon. She is nearly 57, overweight and prone to flushing red (sometimes in spots or patches, especially on her face and neck) several times a day. She has frequent nose bleeds, particularly when she is upset, and she is very prone to sudden rages and outbursts. She had pre eclampsia twice (when she was pregnant more than 20 years ago) which makes high blood pressure in middle age more likely, but she has not had her blood pressure checked for at least fifteen years. She has not attended an NHS check up since her eldest child (now mid 20s) was in primary school and she was told then (c.15 years ago) that her cholesterol was higher than it should be. My mother developed diabetes in her 60s and I got it at 52 so she must be at risk of this too especially as I am considerably slimmer and fitter than she is. I have talked to her about this so many times, albeit trying to keep the tone light, so as not to provoke her, and I have talked to her husband too, but she still won’t make an appointment or request tests. Can anyone suggest a way in which I can get through to her?

I don't think you can.

I had a relative avoid doctors like the plague (even after being admitted to hospital when they collapsed) They couldn't wait to get out and then less than 6 months later, they were dead...and this was someone who (to look at them) seemed healthy.

You have to let her live her own life (as frustrating and difficult as that must be for you).

Sadly, even if you somehow managed to get her to see a doctor, the chance of her following medical advice or comply with treatment is remote.

All you can do is offer emotional and/or practical support if/when she needs it and seems receptive, 💐

Maybe talk to her kids, they can try and convince her. She should try look after herself so she can be there for her grandkids. It's a tough one, I pray she listenes to you.

Op, I say this gently, but leave her the fuck alone. Honestly. You can't save her, you can't control her, and she doesn't want your interference. She's making absolutely horrible choices, but it's her right to do so. She's made it clear she's not changing.

You have got to let this go.

It's her life, her choice. You need to drop it.

Thank you for your responses. Clearly the general consensus is that I need to let my sister make her own health choices. I understand this, and I am sure you right, but it is still very hard to stand back and watch someone I love refuse to help herself.

You can't. Definitely drop it. Back off. More likely she will change her mind, or if she doesn't, it's her life.

You definitely need to let this go, OP. Raising it once or twice because you're concerned is fair enough, but talking to her "so many times" and talking to her husband about it as well is massively overstepping the mark.

She is an adult. You have expressed your concerns. Now have the decency to respect her choices. Your constant nagging will not be helping her in the slightest, and if anything, you may be making things worse.

If you're really struggling with anxiety about this to the extent that you just can't let it go, then I would gently suggest that you might need to speak to a doctor yourself about your anxiety.

You can buy a blood pressure cuff for home use. I've got one. Just as accurate as having it measured at GP surgery. She might have a phobia of doctors surgeries but be willing to test it at home herself. If she refuses that option I think you have to leave it but as you know high blood pressure can be easily managed by medication.

If “Our Future Health” have clinics near you, and you consider signing up for yourself, you could ask her if she would go with you.

But tbh I would expect her to refuse.

Aside from that, and only asking her the once, you’ve already done what you can. The flushing and temper could “just” be menopause related, as opposed to anything more sinister — and that could well be why she’s ignoring your “advice”.

Thank you for your reply: I can see how what I said makes it look like I might be over invested in this issue, but I have been concerned about my sister’s health for about a decade and I have talked to her about it maybe once or twice a year. So adding that all together does amount to “so many times”, but I’m not suffering from anxiety about it. I’m just looking for advice in case I’m missing something (re ways in which I can help.) I accept your general point though; it probably is best if I don’t bring this up with her again.

Fair enough. It's good that you're not struggling with anxiety yourself. But honestly, after 10 years of mentioning it pretty regularly, just back off. I understand that you have the very best of intentions, but it isn't helping. She'll seek medical advice as and when she wants to - I'm afraid that you just need to accept that it's out of your control and that she has the right to live her life as she sees fit.

It is hard, very hard, but it's not your job. It's hers. Yes she might have an early death due to the consequences, but you cannot make a fully grown adult with capacity do what you want them to in this situation.

My relative has lots of health issues, many of which would be improved by at least walking a little bit etc. they are very overweight, walk nowhere, vape / smoke, drink, eat crap. There is nothing I can do, it's their choice.

You sound so judgemental, none of what you write indicates a serious risk of illness. It’s no wonder she isn’t receptive, it’s none of your business.
My ddad turned yellow and resisted all gentle attempts to get him to seek medical help. There was nothing we could do, it was his body, his decision. Eventually two years later he was rushed in with heart attack symptoms and diagnosed with terminal liver cancer. I look back on that time and know we all did everything we could.

You sound so judgemental, none of what you write indicates a serious risk of illness. It’s no wonder she isn’t receptive, it’s none of your business.

I don't think @Soowoo sounds in any way judgmental, and I would expect that her sister is well on her way to an early grave.

But people like her are not receptive to advice because they are deliberately ignoring all the warning signs. Maybe she believes that she'll live to be 90 like others she has heard about who abused their bodies.

But yes, it's not the OP's responsibility - though we can't blame her for being worried and hoping that she can make her sister see reason. Whilst accepting that she probably won't.

“I am considerably slimmer and fitter than she is. I have talked to her about this so many times, albeit trying to keep the tone light, so as not to provoke her, and I have talked to her husband too, but she still won’t make an appointment or request tests.”

This sounds pretty judgy to me.

I don’t think you sound judgy, just worried.
She knows your family history and her previous raised cholesterol and is very likely scared.

Not sure there’s much you can do op without alienating her.

OP, your post made me think of an interview I heard recently with Chris Van Tulleken. He talked about his twin's weight problem and how a behaviour change coach advised him to stop encouraging/nagging/advising, etc him to lose weight. This coach said siblings hate to lose any argument as it brings back all those childhood squabbles and the best way is to step back until they make their own decisions.