Helping someone

[atalosstotes]

I have a friend who is undergoing some very serious difficulties including - severe ED, PTSD, toxic home life (rejects the idea that it’s DV and insists that only physical DV is DV and it isn’t physical, substance abuse (as in she’s abusing substance), significant ED, and a refusal to seek help. It’s been ongoing for years and it’s only recently that she’s openly disclosed. Absolute refusal to seek help despite various people - family friends, but also various involvement of services in relation to DC.

I’ve offered comfort, chats, joint activities, love, offers to stay at mine to escape home situation, offers with practical steps to dealing with any of her 4 or 5 interlinked struggles - but there is a complete refusal to seek help, contact helplines, attend groups, see a doctor, plan to leave and so on. It’s very hard to watch. She is a sweetheart, I love her.

My main concerns are that before long there will be any one or some of - physical DV, pancreatitis, liver failure, roadside blackout from either the extreme ED or the substance abuse - or just - a less dramatic decline into death.

is there a trick I’m missing? Is there something else I can or should try? It’s constantly on my mind and it’s absolutely miserable making.

I would report your concerns to their GP particularly if you feel they are also putting others at risk then leave them to it.
Check in occasionally but I’d stop propping them up. You don’t need to be miserable too.

Nope. There is absolutely nothing you can do- there is no magic phrase or gesture that will cause someone to change as change has to be internally motivated. Until they reach a point where their behaviours are more painful to themselves than staying as they are nothing will change unfortunately.

I get its upsetting but you can only take responsibility for yourself, not others. Think of how hard it is to change yourself - then realise that it's virtually impossible to change someone else. Keep being supportive but also, you need to keep personal boundaries in place as you have to protect yourself too.

You cannot be responsible for someone else's life and if this is causing you that much stress then you need to look at why you are taking so much responsibility for someone else's life choices as thats really not healthy either.

Thank you.

in practical terms would this mean - not attempting to meet up, not asking how she is doing, not offering advice/prods, not hanging out, not bringing up professional help ? Because my support do far is taking these forms - and if I am to leave her to it - would I be stopping these specific things or reducing them?

You can only help someone that is willing and able to accept help.

So far she only wants your emotional support. She doesn't want to change anything. If you can keep offering that (and not damage your own MH in the process) then keep on doing that. With some gentle pushback/challenge ('this won't change unless you change something'). That'll keep the door open. You can't make her walk thru it.

I personally would stop suggesting things to help her- she clearly doesnt want it and isnt interested and it may just be reinforcing her own negative thoughts about herself. She knows she needs help and probably has a lot of self loathing about it and you constantly suggesting things to help is just reinforcing the fact in her own mind that she isnt strong enough to deal with her personal demons at the current time.

Just accept her as she is now- acceptance of someone in their darkest moment is unbelievably supportive. Let her know you'll be there for her if and when she is ready to get help but stop telling her what she ought to be doing- it's clearly not working. If you find being with her is affecting your mental health then limit the time you spend with her. You can still be a friend but protect yourself and have healthy boundaries but you need to absolutely stop fretting about this all the time- it's not healthy for you to be taking on someone else's problems to such an extent that its making you miserable.