Scared that the constant drip feed of stress from ex p is going to give me cancer

[Tomatosoupandbread]

I sound ridiculous, I know, but I am so worried. I have a 6 year old dd with ex p. I left him when she was very small, and we ended up having to get an emergency prohibitive steps order and a restraining order when she was two. She now sees him supposedly every second weekend and every Wednesday, but he messes it around and varies it every week as a way of having to stay in touch with me and to make sure I can’t plan my time or hers.

He has accused me of FIL twice (fabricating illnesses for dd). Once being food allergies that she was clearly allergic to-she had hospital stays and epipens because her face used to swell, and the second being an autism diagnosis that had been put forward by myself and the health visitor. He complained to the school’s headmaster and asked them to get social services involved. They suggested Early help get involved but nothing came of it. Today school called him to let him know dd wasn’t in school today due to illness and he has flown off the handle again.

There is always some stupid little thing that he blows all out of proportion and makes out that I am this utter failure of a parent, and makes me feel like I’m on the verge of social services removing her from my care at all times. There is a constant undercurrent of stress stemming from him, and will continue until dd is 18. Can this level of stress cause illness or cancer? I have no family backup so it all falls to me, and I have no one to really talk to about it so it just sits with me and stews.

Hi, I have the same fears as you. It's 5 years since I left my ex and I'm still going through horrendous post separation abuse. I'm trying, and failing, to keep myself as healthy as I can because I'm worried about the longer term impact of chronic stress/cancer risk. Luckily I have some family support by my parents would be too old to care for the children full time if I became ill. Can't even get a break with a mild illness!

Stress doesn't cause cancer. Age is the biggest factor. Genetics. Smoking. Too much alcohol. Bad diet. Lack of exercise.

The last 4 are things you can control and cutting down alcohol, cooking delicious nutritious meals for you and your DD and getting fresh air and exercise will have a huge impact on your physical and mental wellbeing.

So whilst you can't control your ex's behaviour - he sounds like an absolute arse - you can take steps to stay healthy and use techniques like yoga and mindfulness to help you manage the stress he enjoys inflicting upon you.

Also, you could try posting on the wonderful Feminism board on MN about a programme which I think is called Freedom and supports women who have been in controlling relationships. Sorry to be vague but it's worth asking.

All the best.

I know it's difficult but you have to find a way not to let him get to you. You know he's abusive and you have a child together so he will always use that as a way to get to you.

Is the contact court ordered? You could stick rigidly to the agreement. If he messes about with times allow the agreed contact and nothing more. Try to minimise the contact you have with him eg tell him he has to email to a separate email account that you only check periodically. Consider some legal advice on this if the contact isn't already court ordered.

I suspect the school and health visitor have the measure of him especially as you've had civil orders in the past. You can always call your local domestic abuse service for advice as he is continuing to use child contact to abuse you. Have you had any counselling for yourself? It may be useful

Have a look at some of the parenting apps like our family wizard and talking parents. Set one up and block ALL other forms of communication with him. Use one that is usable as evidence in court if need be.

He has contact every other weekend and a Wednesday tea? That's it. No contact outside of those times. Ideally have set pick up and drop off times - if these aren't already set. And stick rigidly to them. Outside of that ... sorry DD isn't available. Can't do Wednesday, OK she'll see you Saturday/next Wednesday.

Do school really need to let him know dd is off? That seems a bit if an overreach on their part. But OK, let them tell him, record it in the app and ignore him.

It's clear you were part of a controlling relationship, and that control is continuing through your daughter. You need to break the cycle for you and her. The Freedom Programme is definately a good recommendation either in person or online. Your social worker/GP can access the in person version for you.

Put him in a box. Do not allow his stress out to impact you and your dd. You can do this. You were strong enough to leave. Find that strength again.

Why are they calling him to tell him she isn't in school?

I think this is a really good post. I’m so sorry you still have to deal with OP. He sounds utterly toxic.

That's what I thought! Would they ring the dad if the mum was married to ask if he knew his wife hadn't sent the child in?

I agree with others about grey rocking. It's a great technique to learn.

Honestly have a chat with school and explain to them the situation they will be on your side once they know. Dont wait. Other step is go to police if he's being abusive. This cant go on like this. Well done for separating from him now you have to stop letting him get to you. Be strong stand your ground stop stressing with him, youre free from him!! Tell him not to contact you if its not his day with the child, and if he keeps changing the days just say no- youve missed your day!! Stop stepping back for him. He knows which days hes allowed, if he cant make it, say see u next time, not wait and see which day he'll call. If hes not happy go to court!! If he cant follow arrangements

stress does not cause cancer. Tell the school not to ring him