I know this is really wrong but I can't stop

[fattybummum]

I have name changed for this obviously. I am really struggling with my weight and am trying to lose weight sensibly but every couple of days I go on a binge and then can't stop myself throwing up. I have just eaten all the leftover dinner which was supposed to last us another 2 meals and have been sick. I really want to stop but ordinary dieting doesn't work. I need a diet that will help me lose weight steadily and will keep me full so I'm not tempted to binge.

Has anyone been through this and got over it?

I can totally sympathise, I am in a bit of a rush at the mo but if you want to cat me I will send you this diet I have been on, slow and steady for the past 2 years. I have lost and kept off 2 stone, not amazing I know but great for me. It enabled me to get pregnant too I believe, ab=nd v importantly keeps me steady. Those binges now are so rare for me.

Hi - you're on the road to bulimia and that is a FAR worse affliction than being overweight. You are bingeing because you feel deprived and because that feeling of deprivation is stronger than your desire to lose weight.

Your ABSOLUTE priority has to be to stabilise your eating. Eat proper meals, sitting down at the table, not on the run. Eat slowly, use cutlery. Enjoy your food - do not feel guilty for eating. Your body is a machine and it needs fuel. Your car does not feel guilty for having a full tank of petrol in it.

Listen to your body and learn to identify the difference between 'mouth hunger' and true hunger. If you want to eat and you're not hungry have a list of things to refer to which you can do instead and which make you feel nice. This is really about looking after yourself.

I had a binge-eating disorder for 17 years. It is a horrible thing to live with and if I can spare anyone else going through it I will.

what kind of things? It's usually when ds is in bed and I have a long evening with nothing to do that I start eating. I think it's partly boredom but then I feel so angry with myself and can just about feel the fat cells forming! I have started being sick in the daytime too though, and I'm worried that ds might start to understand what is going on

I used to keep a really nice foot cream in the fridge, and extra pots in the drawers/cupboards where my binge foods would be. I'd then force myself to go sit down, give myself a halfway decent foot massage for at least 10 minutes in another room. If I was still hungry after that then chances are I actually was truly hungry and so I'd eat. I would decide what I was going to have before going back to the kitchen though, and then sit at the table to eat it - even if it was an apple or some such.

You can change this. And you can lose weight sensibly.

I'm trying to lose some of my baby weight now without slipping into old habits - would be happy to stick around and chat for as long as it takes if that'd help?

A bubblebath, a good book with nice music on,
a really good film, a chat on the phone to someone you like, a glass of wine, a gossip on MN etc etc - you have to find your own that work for you.

Would you be able to get counselling or psychotherapy at all? I had it and it really helped me work out why I was using food to deal with all my emotional stuff.

Your DS will sense there is something wrong wihout really understanding what it is. No way can you be a happy mum if you're obsessed with food, weight and vomiting. I know I'm speaking harshly - trust me - I wish I'd confided in people about my eating disorder before it really took hold in my life. I wasted so many years.

I would say that the last thing you need is a diet of any kind. Bingeing is often an emotional response, and even if you find a diet that will keep you full, it won't stop the binges. What you are trying to satisfy isn't hunger, it's an emotional need.

Counselling might help - ask your GP.

You need to find some sort of help group or support for bulimia. Because you're not just on the road to it, you've got it, and you need to work on curing it, because it's a miserable, horrible dangerous disease to have.
There may well be other posters on here who have had eating disorders and can give you more specific suggestions. Best of luck.

I think I know what I need to do, it's just actually doing it that's difficult IYSWIM. I KNOW I need to eat when I'm actually hungry, not starve for 2 days and then binge. I suppose I'm worrying that I will get fat as soon as I try and eat normally. My current way of eating is definitely not healthy, but I am getting thinner somehow.

I really like food, I'm hating how this is making me eat without enjoying it and making me feel guilty about everything. I feel guilty if I don't eat because I know I need food to be a good mum and I feel guilty when I do eat because I will get fat. The only thing that is kind of working for me at the moment is eating a lot of ice but my freezer can't keep up with the demand.

Is there any way of getting counselling without going through your GP?

It's GOOD to really like food! It's sad to feel you have to fill your tummy up with ice

It sounds like you are further down the bulimic road than you said in your first post and you REALLY DO NEED TO SEEK OUT HELP. It's a devil of a disorder to turn around the longer it goes on because you learn to kid yourself that you can eat loads and not put on weight.

Have you tried the eating disorders association? They have various helplines and have a remarkable amount of information/understanding.

Any private counselling you arange wouldn't involve your GP - but it really would be best if everyone involved with you knew what you were up against and could help support you.

I can't talk to my GP. I hate the thought of her judging me and judging my ability as a parent. Especially as she is married to one of the ministers at church and could be tempted to tell him and get other people involved, no I'm sure she wouldn't really. Some people at church already think I'm weird though because I said in a kind of joking way that I like to be able to feel my insides when I lose weight. Well, Ok that does sound a bit wierd even to me!

I'll find some other way of getting help. I feel really scared, in a way I dont really want any help. But I WILL do it.

I don't know if this would help but could you make a rule that any non-meal time snacks that you have must be eaten outside of the back door and you're not allowed to wear a coat? I'm just thinking that you may get less of a kick and so think twice before doing it. Sorry if this sounds silly - just a suggestion.

Like Squiggly said the Eating Disorders Assoc. is a really good place to start. They absolutely won't judge you, they're very sympathetic and they will probably be able to tell you about counselling and/or group support available in your area. Going to a support group can be really helpful because it brings the problem into the open and you see other people like yourself who are also struggling with their eating.

The GP route would be useful to access NHS help, but then it's always on your medical records and you might not want that in the future.

You can always get counselling privately, if you're not short of ££. There are lists here of counsellors by location, which I think includes their specialities. I suspect any counsellor could help with this, though, really.

The Eating Disorders Association is now called beat - \link{http://www.b-eat.co.uk/Home\here. They are very, very good.

Your GP won't judge you, she wouldn't judge your parenting because of this - and she isn't allowed to tell anyone, so please don't worry about that.

Is there another GP at the practice you can see? You must see someone. If you are eating ice instead of food, and so much of it that your freezer can't cope, then you are in the grip of an illness which you really need to get help for.

beat.