How much do you look after your parents?

[labamba007]

My parents are mid-50s but don't have the best health. My dad has a lot of health issues which are life limiting and my mum is his carer. My mum does a lot for him and although she has good health generally it obviously takes its toll.

They live 10 mins away and I help with shopping and cooking a few meals every week. I work full time and have one DS. We see my parents every week too.

But I feel so guilty and like I should be doing more. Does anyone have any tips on how they support their parents? Is there something you do that helps just a little that I could copy!

I really want to help them more.

My late husband had a lot of serious health issues, including heart, liver, kidney disease, insulin dependence diabetes and frontal lobe Alzheimer’s disease. I retired early to become his full time carer, including throughout lockdown. I have mobility problems but I received a lot support from family and neighbours. The main things that helped us were the following:

• we paid our neighbour to clean the house right through for three hours a week
• we had a stairlift installed
• the complete family (children & grandchildren) assembled every Autumn together for one weekend to cut back all the garden shrubs and prepare the garden for winter
• my stepson took his dad out most weeks for a long drive in the car. This gave him a change of scenery but also gave me a much needed break.
• my stepson cut the lawn throughout the summer
• the family found a private carer through FaceBook to assist with his morning showers & dressing, after a care agency became unreliable due to staffing issues
• once his health deteriorated much further his daughter, who lives four hours away, took annual leave from work, left her family for a whole month and moved in with us to help nurse him
• For the last month he was bed bound in hospital

My suggestion would be to talk with your parents and discuss what would help them. It could be as simple as doing their online shopping to be delivered. Whatever you do, the need will change greatly over time as your dad’s ( & maybe mum’s) health declines and that is when your mum will really need her family to step up.
Unfortunately the care sector is in crisis at the moment and there are so many families struggling and so many care agencies that cannot find the staff that they need.
Although my husband was dying it was a real battle to try to get any support from the district nurses, the GP (due to post Covid), the Alzheimer’s society etc. We received two full nights of nursing from Hospiscare before they discharged him and two nights from Marie Curie nurses.

Does your mum get a break from caring? Can you take her out or be there when she goes out with friends? I would use technology to help too, Alexa and smart plugs/bulbs, robot hoover, online shopping and prescriptions.

When my dad was ill and old the system that worked best was to buy in all the services (eg. Cleaning, gardening etc) and my role was to go and see him once each weekend for company. I was also on call in case of any emergencies. That meant that our time together was mostly enjoyable and positive and didn’t tire me out. As he got worse, he needed more care with a live-in carer, and I was the back-up.