Alcoholic friend - what to do?

[horseyhorsey17]

I have just been to stay with one of my friends and realised she is a full-blown alcoholic. She has always been a party girl but this is something else. She hides her drinking, and can sit with one glass of wine all evening, but is absolutely hammered. It starts in the morning - she says she needs the loo, disappears for an hour, and comes back wasted, eyes rolling, staggering, and smelling of the strong perfume she uses to try and hide the alcohol fumes. This happens several times a day. She lives alone and doesn't work as such, which makes it worse. She is in her 50s, and I don't know how to tackle her about this as she's clearly massively in denial, but if she carries on like this, she will have an accident or get really ill. She's not really eating or looking after herself properly. How do you talk to an alcoholic about getting help? All her friends are worried but none of us really know what to do about it.

There isn’t much you can do, she needs to do it. But you could try and talk to her about it in case that helps her move on toward wanting to change. What is she doing for a job?

If she's in denial about the problem OP I'm not sure there is a huge amount you can do. Have you or any of your mutual friends ever spoken to her about her drinking? Expressed concern? Called her out on her secret drinking? Does she have family that are concerned or who could help, stage an intervention, or get involved?

She makes money renting out property - I am worried that that's all very random though too.

Yes people have tried speaking to her. I haven't myself - she's actually too drunk to be able to have a serious conversation with her. She doesn't have any family and I think she tells herself she just leads a 'party lifestyle' rather than being a full-blown alcoholic.

Sadly there's nothing you can do other than be aware of the typical behaviour of addicts and have strong boundaries. Tell her you love her, care about her and you're there if she wants support seeking help for her issues (if you want to, of course). She sounds like the problem has been going a long time. Be aware too that addicts lie and their behaviour and words will revolve around ensuring their number one relationship - that with alcohol - can continue. Sadly she will become very ill.

She'll know she has a problem. She'll know.
It won't come as a surprise to hear you mention it.
It's best to tell her.

Say it in a way that's completely non-judgemental iykwim so not in a way like "you're a bad person for drinking" which I'm sure you wouldn't- just be ultra careful that what you say isn't interpreted in this way.

Try saying something like "alcoholism is an illness like any other, and people who are unwell need help". She might respond in flat out denial and defensiveness, but she'll hear you and will be grateful.

Could you find out the name/location of a local rehab/detox clinic for her?

AA has a list of all the local meetings in her area, maybe take her to one?

You could give her some leaflets on alcohol support services.

Whatever you do, let her know you're taking it seriously because it is serious but it's because you care. Alcoholism can be recovered from but it's virtually impossible on your own.

There is nothing you can do.Unless she asks for help.

I have been sober over 20years and have learnt there is no point trying to do anything for an alcoholic who doesn’t want to stop drinking.

Al-anon is for families and friends of the alcoholic.You could give them a call on their helpline.

What made you stop?

I don't think she'll ask for help. I did say to her I thought it would be great if she spoke to a therapist as she's had a hard life with lots of abusive partners - one died of alcoholism - and she did seem like she could be receptive to that so I was thinking I'd try and push it. I'll even pay! It's obviously been going on for years though, I am amazed she's still alive, I wouldn't be if I was drinking like that.