Mental Health - Personal experiences of having therapy - when to end it? Did it help? Would you never go again?

[ally90]

I have been seeing my psychotherapist for 3.5 years now and although I feel I have benefitted from the therapy re insight into relationship patterns/tools for coping with life in general...I don't seem to be getting anywhere re my emotional abuse/neglect from childhood. Its very frustrating. It took me a year to cry in front of the therapist and even now I cry rarely. I just do not feel the need too cry about my childhood, well not in front of someone anyway! I do feel that how I felt then is a very personal thing and I do not wish to share it with anyone. My therapist thinks that I need to share it so as to get a different experience ie of a nurturing parent, this time round. Although I can see the logic, I still don't want to share.

Financially I would like to stop as things are getting tight.

Timewise I would like to stop travelling once a week to the nearest city to have therapy...its a pita!

Lastly, if I say I want to finish therapy, I will have to go through endless questions of 'why do you feel that way?' 'how do you feel about finishing therapy?' etc just the endless questions I get asked about everything I say...

Guess I'm just trying to pluck up the courage and say to my therapist that I don't think they are the right therapist for me...after 3.5 years...

Anyway back to the title...please tell me (if you want!) your experiences if therapy esp. if you are non crier like me! And how you stopped therapy...or anything else therapy related...also therapist welcome to put their thoughts forward

TIA

I had psychotherapy for about two years when I was 28 (I'm now 42). I went into it because I had an eating disorder and wanted to get better. A lot of it was talking about my childhood and about how I was my mum's emotional caretaker because my dad was needy and abusive. It WAS helpful, though I found it excruciatingly difficult because at that time I was very proud and ptivate and did not want to own up to my difficulties.

What brought the therapy to an end was having my first baby and moving out of the area. The therapist was very worried about me stopping but I was wrapped up in new motherhood and didn't want to do it anymore.

I never had therapy again and have been OK. I'm finding that ageing is quite useful in terms of getting life into perspective and not letting your childhood patterns affect the whole of your life!

I think certain psychodynamic therapists would avoid discharging any of their patients as when is one ever really 'cured'?

Do what you think is right. If you feel you need more therapy you can go back to it.

i'd second what janni said. I also had therapy due to an eating disorder and it did literally save my life, though it dragged on towards the end. If yo ufeel ready to stop, then stop. most therapists will leave it to the patient to decide when to stop as you could indeed go on forever. And it is something you can go back to in the future. I did go back a few years later fo ra short time and I may one day need to again, but taking control is part of the therapy, i think!

Thanks Janni, that's helpful to hear. My therapist has asked me a couple of times to think about at what stage I will be ready to stop therapy. And I'm thinking now. I don't seem to have made any progress since last year and although I have had slumps like this before, not for this long. I suspect my therapist is also getting a bit fed up of me he looks at clock, seems impatient when I talk about what is important to me this week, he seems to only really take an interest if I cry, then he's just leaning forward and offering tissues...and then I dry up! I've asked before if he feels that I have to cry in therapy and he says not, but his actions say otherwise. I guess I'm just really fed up now. We can talk about trust till we're both blue in the face, but I just don't want to open up anymore about my childhood.

Also do not want therapy again when I'm pg, planning to start trying this year. And I don't want to travel long distances each wk when I'm pg, but no doubt that will go back to my childhood again. I know what the problem is, I just logically agree with the scared child part of me that it is dangerous to drive...

Ever feel you've gone round in circles and endlessly repeating 'yes I know why I feel like that its because my mother did x y and z'

I honestly think I would rather speak to my fellow abuse survivors on here and read/work on a good self help book! Or is that mad?

I've been in psychotherapy for longer than you, and have been wondering this too. How does a person know when they're 'done'?

FWIW, at one point my analyst said the average length of time to be in therapy is 4 years.

If you don't mind me asking - was there something that specifically prompted you to go into therapy? I think many people stumble along in life until something overwhelms them, and then they want to sort it out. It is natural to think you're finished when the pressing issue/crisis has passed. We revert back to our very skilled coping mechanisms - but is the issue really dealt with? Think that's what you have to ascertain.

To me the frustrating part of therapy (at least this sort) is that once you understand what happened/why/how it has affected you, where do you go from there? I find myself wanting some practical 'exercises' or some sort of useful tips for putting things in perspective and moving on. The endless 'digging' can become tedious and even repetitive. I do think you should examine why you don't wish to share with your therapist. Perhaps there is something to look at there?

Also think you should speak with her about when is the time to stop. If you do that, let me know how you get on, because I've been thinking (but not acting) on that thought for quite some time!

Ah - see your therapist is a 'him' not a 'her'.

Thanks Nickytwotimes it does drag on...!

Hi Earlybird - hope your doing okay...
You sound as if you are in the same boat as me! I think part of what is holding me back is am I ready to cope alone in the world? A month or two back I did go in and just burst into tears cause everything had got on top of me (dh and dd), and he was the only person I could speak to. But over the years I have been getting better at dealing with my feelings thanks to therapy. I am totally fed up with raking over the past...and I'm not ready to go deeper. Neither do I want to spend £36 a week talking about really trivial things which is what I do (prob why he clock watches!). I feel its come to crunch time, either I open up totally (cringe at thought of it) or I stop therapy as I'm wasting both our time and my money!

I just know there will be an endless load of searching questions to answer if I say anything...

I went to psychotherapy for two years. I was training to be a counsellor at the time.

I think you need to just tell your therapist what you've said here. It does sound to me like you are both thinking maybe it's time to stop - he's already asked you twice about when you might think it would be an appropriate time to stop, which I think is a big pointer that he thinks you might be ready to do so. You can always stop and go somewhere else later on if you want to. Maybe you've done enough work on yourself for now and you could do with a bit of time to reflect. I do remember going through a kind of grieving process for about a month after I finished, but my experience of finishing was that the thought of it was worse than when I actually did it.

I also remember talking about trivial things towards the end. I was all talked out!

Ally90 - I'm ok...thanks for asking. Sort of been taking a mental break from family crap, as it is so wearing/depressing. Also am glad to be out of 'crisis' mode, and have been consciously avoiding thinking of upsetting things as life was so dark a few months back.

But back to you - does it have to be all or nothing? What if you dropped back to every other week, and then gradually wean yourself to once a month? See how you feel, and how you cope.

Part of why I'm reluctant to give up is that I don't speak to anyone else in my life in that way, and no one listens in that way. Nothing is too 'heavy' or 'too much'. In real life even if you've got someone you confide in deeply, it's too easy to be interrupted, go off on tangents etc.

Also, I find I get so busy that the 'designated' therapy time forces me to stop and look at what is really going on with my life under the surface....instead of my normal rushing around that allows little time for 'deep' thought.

Hi Lalaa, he has asked a couple of times over the 3.5 years...last time he asked was last year some time I think. I like the idea of time to reflect. Did it bother you the thought of stopping therapy? Or did you mean saying you wanted to stop therapy? I dread the idea of bringing it up...child hood training again [yawn]

Earlybird - glad your having a break from it all .

I wouldn't mind cutting down to every other week to see how it goes. Holidays tend to be fine now when I don't see him for a couple/few weeks. But I just feel so impatient now, I just want to move on from it all. I know it will always be with me and come back to me at times, but raking over it all once a week does nothing for me . I do like having someone to talk to for solid blocks of time, but again, its trivial stuff...now if I could just have someone when I wanted to rant it all out...........

Hi Ally90

I too have been in therapy, it was transactional anaysis style but the therapist was coming from a person centred base.

I went into private therapy when i was 27 because i had been chronically depressed since my late teens with a few 'breakdowns' along the way.

I really liked my therapist and felt able to open up to her and cry and be vunerable etc etc and I did find it a great help/release to be able to do this.

I knew a lot of my problems were down to my childhood, my dad had a lot of personal issues, mental health issues and gave out very mixed and chaotic messages. having the therapy helped me to organise and make sense of what i already knew and the therapist helped me to develop new ways of looking at the things that were going on in my life and I felt much stronger for it.

During the period of therapy achieved a lot of my goals, I bought my own place, found a partner and eventually fell pregnant. I had one 'crisis' during therapy which turned out to be quite a good thing as it unearthed a lot of the subconcious beliefs I had a bout myself and once the light was shone on them they kind of whithered away!

Reasons for stopping therapy: Mainly financial! Decided to stop when I found out I was expecting as wanted to finish 'properly' in time to go into motherhood having closed the page on it all (in as much as you can). Also wanted to be free of financial burden (was costing £160 per month).

like you i felt 'all talked out'. the therapist started 'clock watching' more as you describe and would talk about herself too (I think this may actually be a a strategy to begin to 'normalise' the relationship ready for the end of the therapeutic relationship??). Often I would feel a bit bored or feel I could be doing other things instead of going to the therapy. I ended over the course of about three months, the last few sessions were just once a month. The therapist made it clear that i could go back at any time if i wanted to which was reassuring to hear.

Overall the therapy was a really good experience but I do not regret finishing.
I too believe that a period of reflection/consolidation is needed even if you go back. I really liked my thereapist and felt safe and confident in her but I am not sure I would go back to her in the future as I do think even the best therapist can get stale. there have been times since finishing that I have yearned for someone 'impartial' to talk to and have not ruled out going back in the future.

My feeling from reading your posts is that you yourself seem ready to finish this period in therapy but are feeling naturally apprehensive/ uncertain, if it is any consolation I felt exactly the same, it did feel like the end of an era! But deep down I felt it was the right time. My therapist seemd to know how I wasfeeling and she brought up how the prospect of ending was making me feel quite a bit.

It would be interestting to hear how you get on, if you wanted to share that in the future!

Good luck

ally90
I was worried about stopping therapy - I was concerned about how I would manage without a weekly opportunity to explore my feelings, and that it would all get on top of me, and that I would find myself in a dark place again. In reality, I had a tiny wobble for about a fortnight, then was OK.

Hadtherapytoo - thank you for your post, that has clarified a lot...esp the clock watching!! TBH never feel I have totally opened up to my therapist, he has had glimpses of the real me at times but I manage to work through current issues without delving too much emotionally...well if I do get emotional I soon dry up! Sounds like my therapy has run its course. I also agree with therapists going stale...there is nothing more for us to talk about...I feel like I've sat talking to a friend for a week on the phone and now we finally have nothing left to say...except its not a comfortable silence...he's still waiting for the dam to burst I think! (he'll be waiting a looooonnnnggggg time)

And thanks lalaa, hopefully I will be the same...I certainly don't need him as much as I did.

Oh and the crisis that led me to him was basically obcessive compulsiveness...except he never picked up on that I know he is the professional...but I did pick up a really good self help book last year for ocd and it described all the awful thoughts and feelings I had perfectly back then...and explained how to deal with them...have not been troubled since! And that was in july last year...of course there were other issues from childhood. I started out wanting to 'get on with my mother and sister better' and ended up divorcing them and my father against my therapists better judgement. In fact self help books have been really good for me. Lots of validation, and solutions. The therapist feels I should not do self help books as I will be 'alone' when I should have someone there with me... I'm actually much happier alone...and I now know how to nurture myself with my 'adult' self.

Did you or anyone else feel that you don't really need to open up emotionally to someone to heal? That you can do it 'alone' but using your 'adult' to nurture the 'child' you?