It is apparently my fault that the children get colds and coughs etc.........

[Squirdle]

...according to DH.

I am really peed off this morning. DS3 had croup last night for the first time ever and it did scare us all a bit.

Now this morning DH has said that this is why he is worried about what I feed them. Now I cook all of the meals, from scratch with freah ingredients, but if the children choose not to eat, then what can I do?? DS2 (5) in particular is fussy and it's hard work trying to coax him to eat properly and I spend all of my meal times being patient and calm so that he doesn't get too worked up and will therefore eat. DH however (if he is home) will spend the whole mealtime nagging DS and getting cross which makes for a horrible mealtime and DS geting upset and not eating. He doesn't seem to think that there is anything wrong with how he deals with mealtimes.

DS3 actually eats pretty well. Absolutely adores fruit and easily downs a good 5 portions a day.

DH has made me feel like the worst mother in the world this morning and I am just so fed up with it all.

I have informed him that it is Winter and children generally get coughs and colds etc in winter more than they do in summer. I also pointed out that his nephews who are similar ages have also had many coughs/coughs/chest infections and eat like horses. But he doesn't want to listen to that.

This is from a man who allowed the boys to have chocolate before breakfast this morning....

Sorry, this is just a rant as I am sooooooo cross!!

Yes he's an arse. Children's immune systems are developing up to age 8 (I think) and they are subjected to all sorts of germs over the winter. My ds is the healthier of my two in terms of diet but he has just recovered from a horrible vomitting bug which has left him with a hacking cough. If dh had said it was my fault I'd have ripped his head from his neck and shoved it up his backside. Try it, it will make you feel better

Hmm, not eating what your DH thinks they should eat is not going to make them more prone to coughs and colds. stressing them out over meal times might! stress is known to lower the immune system. tell him that!!

on a less confrontational note, try getting him to think about what ds eats over a week rather than at each meal time. you'll most likley see he gets a good balance of foods he just doesn't choose to eat at set mealtimes like everyone else (my ds does this). we make sure he gets healthy snacks.

I might try that Fran...it probably would make me feel better!

It upsets me really as I try so hard to make sure my children have a good varied diet, but if they don't eat then I can't force feed them! What they do eat is generally pretty healthy (ie I don't feed them choclate before breakfast!)

I wouldn't mind but he is never bloody here! He doesn't care for them if they are ill, he doesn't cook their meals, he just nags and moans when he is here.

I can accept that he would like them to eat lots of fruit and vegetables...so would I, but they are offered!!

Pheebe, I've done that. I did it for the doctor as I was so fed up with DH nagging and making mealtimes awful I thought I should seek help and see how i could encourage DS to eat more. The doctor said she felt DS was eating a good varied diet and that she had seen many more, much fussier children than him. She also agreed that a calm atmosphere at meal times is best. But Dh obviously hasn't listened to this or doesn't want to as I have been proved right. He definately wouldn't go for the healthy snack option as opposed to a meal.

If it's any consolation, dd has always adored fruit and vegetables- and been incredibly prone to infections. She was even investigated for an immune disorder last winter as she always seemed to get ill. The specialist told me it is nothing to do with my parenting but that some children's immune systems take longer to develop than others and there is nothing you can do about it.

Ds on the other hand, is an incredibly fussy eater and hardly ever ill.

However, your dh's remark seems like the ill-judged comment of somebody who is feeling cross because he has been frightened- we've all been there. Typical kneejerk reaction- you want to find a SOLUTION. When I think of some of the silly rules myself and dh have instituted on the spur of the moment because we've been scared by some of the weirder manifestations of dd's health problems....

So don't write him off as an arse straightaway, just think of yourself as representing the saner voice of reason.

Croup is scary, particularly as it always seems to strike in the middle of the night when you're to sleepy to think straight. But my understanding is that it's genetic, so nothing to do with parenting.

This is a particularly bad time of year for illness, the coughs and colds seem endless in this house. My dcs eat as well as I can manage but lots of their nutrition is made up of healthy snacks.

I know somebody who feeds her son amazingly well - lots of variety, salads, home cooked food, all of which he loves - and even so he has had several weeks (months?) of illness.

Your husband is wrong, wrong, wrong!! And stress at mealtimes is just awful - on the rare occasions dp eats with us he keeps up a steady roar

ooh couldn't you just bash their brains out sometimes!

why do we get angry when we are worried? I suspect it's a survival thing - if we shriek at dc for running into the road they are more likely to remember next time and survive to carry our gene pool forwards than if we fall weeping to our knees and say 'i was so worried darling'

Time for a temper tantrum from you I think!

Time for your husband to be in charge for an entire weekend I think. I'd like to see his face when you got back. Obviously not now with a child with croup...

My husband makes quite a bond with the boys when I have been away, it's lovely to see. He gets monumentally tired though.

Talking about things only works when it works, experience gets through to human brains better sometimes.

they have to catch things to build up immunity for the future. I think the average in children is 6-10 colds per year - so it really is just something you have to cope with.

Extra vitamins etc from veg and fruit might help throw them off more quickly but probably won't stop them getting them in the first place.

Next time he has croup let DH be the one who sits with him in the steamy room and keep him calm. Croup is scary for all involved - but if you can stay clam it really helps a lot. You will probably get used to an attack every time there is a cold around - but hopefully it will only last a year or two (how old is he ?).

throckenholt, he is 3. This is the first time he has ever had croup, but he is prone to chest infections when he gets a cold. It's just his thing I think. He is the better eater of the 2 youngest, in fact he is tucking into grapes and apple as I type.

I am sorry to say I did blow up at DH earlier. He was shouting at DS2 again (DS2 always seems to be the one) and I'd just had enough. DH does this look at me as if I am one of his childrena and I should not make any comment to him at all. TBH that is the thing that drives me insane!! He came looking for an argument about it and I told him that all he seems to do all weekend is shout and moan at the boys and I am sick of it.

He reckons I won't work as a team, but the trouble is the way he wants to work is by doing what he does and we should like it or lump it. I can't support him if he behaves this way because I really, really think he is wrong! And I have tried to explain until I am blue in the face, but all he sees is me going against him. I know he won't have a good relationship with DS2 in future years because of the way he is with him now. DS2 is quite sensitive, but such a sweet little boy. He can be a pain with his eating, but is ok if handled properly.

An example of DH's behaviour is that 2 weekends ago, DS2 saw some walkie talkies in the supermarket and asked if he could have them. As they were reduced to £2 I thought it was ok but we made a deal. I said if he ate chicken for Sunday lunch he could have them afterwards. It took a little bit of coaxing from me, whilst keeping calm, but he ate it! I was really pleased, he had achieved something pretty amazing for him, ut all DH was worried about was how much the batteries had cost. We aren't short of money btw, so why couldn't he just be happy about DS eating chicken? This was the one and only time I had used the reward thing, but it worked.

I know many children who are constantly ill but eat well, but DH says he isn't worried about other peoples children.

Send you husband to the " twat naughty step" until he owns up to what is really bugging him. Getting sick builds your immune system, children are in general germ factories and they have to get sick to be healthy later in life!

I have had second thoughts looking at this thread. Is your husband in the mid life crisis, where they blame everyone else for not doing what they want, being depressed and very unpleasant to live with?? The phrases you have quoted tally up with things I have heard others of 38-45 age group say.

Why not cook him something he doesn't like and then coax him to eat it in the same way he does to your DS, I've often threatended my DH with this

How about announcing that it turkey twizzlers all round for tea tonight?

You are def not the worst mother in the world, far from it by the sound of it! But the award for arse of the day could go to...........

its a man thing blaming the women ,that clears them of any responsibility but they can sit on their self appointed throne surveying their land and conducting matters.

I think he was out of order tho and i would stick to healthy snacks as you already do......you could mention to the doctor but i dont think he will say anything thats not already been said.

Unfortunately its a hazard of having small children - getting the cold and viral illnesses...Childrens immune systems do not mature until they are 8 years old picking up bugs and fighting them off is just part of developing unless you never leave the house, have contact with anyone else who may pass a bug on. Sorry you had a horrid night with your Lo - men always want to find a cause/ someone to blame - hopefully he will see the error of his ways as the day goes on . Hope you have a better day.

Unfortunately its a hazard of having small children - getting the cold and viral illnesses...Childrens immune systems do not mature until they are 8 years old picking up bugs and fighting them off is just part of developing unless you never leave the house, have contact with anyone else who may pass a bug on. Sorry you had a horrid night with your Lo - men always want to find a cause/ someone to blame - hopefully he will see the error of his ways as the day goes on . Hope you have a better day.

oops

It's true about the 8 year bit. Mine have been much better now they're older.

Hang in there. It sounds like you're a great mother. Think of this as nature priming your children's immune systems so they'll be more resistant when they're older and school is more important.

gosh how unfair
ds is 3.7 & has a wonderful diet,but has colds & coughs that are ongoing from October to spring every year.

Thanks all, you have managed to make me feel a lot better about this. I knew it was normal for young children to get coughs and colds, I now need to print this out and give it to DH!

In answer to the midlife crisis thing, he is only 36, so either it's not a midlife crisis or he is having it early. In my opinion, he hasn't actually properly grown up, but there you go.

I know he has our boys best interests at heart and he cares about what they eat etc, he just needs to learn that I do it properly, not him

He was actually very supportive at dinner yesterday evening. DS2 (Mr Fussy) loves roast potatoes and wanted more, so between us we managed to coax him into eating quite a bit of chicken in order to get more potatoes (which he ate 6 of ) without shouting or silly threats and we managed to work as a team. But like I say, I cannot work as a team with him when he thinks that shouting etc is the way to go. I grew up with parents like that, parents who showed no leeway or understanding and it knocked my confidence big time. I won't have tha for my children.....so there