Just fed up of living with health anxiety

[ludocris]

I feel like there is always some dread hanging over my head and it alternates between worrying there's something wrong with me and worrying there's something wrong with my son. In reality, he's fine, and I'm mostly fine, with an autoimmune condition that's currently well controlled.

I recently had some minor digestive issues and was browsing the relevant section in the pharmacy when I spotted a home bowel health test - fecal occult blood. On impulse I bought it and tested myself and it came out positive. I've since spoken to two GPs who aren't concerned given that I have no concerning symptoms but have arranged for me to do a FIT test as a 'safety net'. So this is the current dread I'm facing. However since then I've also gone through concerns that I have a brain tumour (due to headaches) and breast cancer (based on a minor red mark). I've also been obsessively googling neck lumps since I've noticed some minor bumps on my sons neck which in reality I'm pretty sure are just his veins/lymph nodes that are visible only when he overextends his neck.

It's just exhausting. And I spend a lot of time feeling sad and overly sentimental about time spent with DS as i am always telling myself it's going to be cut short.

i have OCD and am no stranger to counselling etc.. So I know what I need to do. Just wanted to vent really.

I’m like this too… even down to the sentimentality with my son.

But this is so odd: I woke up today thinking, “enough”. Something has switched in me. I’m getting older and I realise it’s time I lived and had fun.

I mean, we ARE all going to die.

Those thoughts of anxiety come from us, so can we replace them with thoughts of fun? so every time you feel anxious, think: what can I do to feel good? If nothing else, our sons will have happy memories once we ARE dead!

In my case, allll this anxiety came from childhood trauma (a depressed/alcoholic mum). So there are real and important reasons why any of us have these anxieties. But they are horrible, aren’t they. Time to be free from this.

About the googling, it’s good to be vigilant, BUT (statistically!) the chances are that you or I will live a very average life and die of an average disease in our 80s. So how much time have we got left and what are we going to do with it? So my answer is to become an optimist and enjoy life.

eg I’d be worrying now since I have a journey coming up today… old thoughts: will I miss the train, will I die in a train crash, will someone shout at me for being late… all things, dare I say, that were passed to me by my mum.

Instead, today, im going think : adventure today, a train ride, it’ll all go well, and if it doesn’t, what’s the worst? I need to buy a new ticket. Ie im going to ENJOY the process. I mean, it’s a fun thing I’m doing, not a march to a prison camp and my mother is absolutely not involved, haha.

With respect to health, I have a weird lump, but it’s been scanned and it’s nothing, I’ve also had digestive issues, but all fine. It’s all stress. I’m also constantly worried about weight. It’s draining! so now our attention should be on looking after ourselves, keeping active, eating well, yep enjoying ourselves. Can we become optimists? Maybe that’s too much of a leap, but we actually have nothing to lose.

Sorry this is a bit of a ramble but I really wanted to write to you.

also, yes, I worry about my son’s health. But your message makes me think I must stop that too. my mum did this to me, and IT gave me health anxiety! Yes, my son has a few minor things going on, but he’s otherwise totally healthy.

In my case, as a kid, I occasionally got tonsillitis, but I ended up thinking I was broken goods. she would keep me off school and talk about how feeble I was. I never imagined I could even have kids, since I was sure my body wasn’t like most peoples…

so, yes, occasionally kids have very bad health issues, but statistically speaking, your child will NOT. perhaps thinking in these terms helps? Certainly your love and care for him shines through, so I’d say be cautious about accidentally giving him the health anxieties that you have (like my mum did to me).

CBT helped me. I take anti depressants and do mindfulness, exercise and spend time each day outside.

Have you tried EMDR? I had some sessions really and found it so helpful. I had had person-centred counselling which gave me a crest understanding of why things were the way they were for me but didn’t help me process the emotions that the child trauma had left stuck inside me. I had two books recommended to me. The body keeps the score and recovering of your inner child.

I'm exactly the same, even down to my son & neck lumps!

I don't think there's a cancer I haven't thought I had and have put myself through so many tests which is stressful in itself. Guess what? Nothing was ever found! I also had CBT which helped a bit.

My son had an ultrasound on his neck last year due to one actual visible lymph node that had been there for years but I suddenly started worrying about. They went right round his neck and said all his nodes were normal and were only visible as on the surface and he's very slim. All his veins, bones, muscles etc are very noticeable for that reason. Over the summer, he had his hair cut very short, exposing an area of his neck you didn't normally see. When he turned his neck hard to the side I could see a slight bump and started worrying again. However, I resisted the urge to mention it to him as I don't want to project that worry onto him. He's old enough to tell me if he has something he thinks needs checking. His hair has grown back now so I can't see it any more.

Like a previous poster I've recently thought "enough" and am trying to get on with my life, reminding myself of all the hours I've wasted worrying about illnesses I didn't have. I'm now coming round to the mindset that I'll start worrying when there's actually something to worry about which I know is easier said than done!

Huge empathy - health anxiety sucks!

I absolutely empathise. It's awful living on edge constantly. I really recommend the book Mind Over Mother by Anna Mathur - it's not going to cure your worries but I really resonated with a lot of it and it helped me consciously try and change my way of thinking slightly, especially when I was in the midst of an anxiety attack over DD's health. Sending hugs

I had cbt for health anxiety recently on the nhs - self referral through IAPT. It was a bit like counselling by numbers, it it did help a bit and it sort of cemented why I feel like I do.
I also have some chronic health conditions but I manage them as best I can.

Thanks for all the comments and suggestions. It's reassuring to know I'm not the only one. Since my son was born I've just found the emotions overwhelming - the fear of losing him or him losing me too soon, the pre-emptive nostalgia for when he no longer wants me around all the time, the constant guilt of him not having a sibling, worrying about him socially etc.. It's a lot! I really want and need to just chill - to enjoy him, and to stop placing so much sentimental emphasis on everything we do. And those of you who've pointed out that it's easy to pass these anxieties onto your children make such a good point.

Thanks again!

Oh god @ludocris we are so similar! I relate to everything you’ve written. Even down to the no sibling thing. This has to stop… not sure how, but it does! I’m going to look at the ‘mind over mother’ book recommended above. I’ll be thinking of you and hoping we don’t waste any more time with this… maybe we should channel piers morgan types a bit more. The dgaf attitude. Only semi joking! Good luck OP!