Teenage Depression

[mamosa]

Hi Mums
I have a DD age 13 who is finding life a little overwhelming. She attend the local comprehensive school. Her class has a good mix of students according to social inclusion, bright students, average, learning needs, physical and social problems, a diverse group. My DD falls into the bright group and is feeling very lonely about this, she is the only clever girl in her class. There are 4 boys who are very bright but are BOYS. She feels that she sticks out as being very different from her other female class mates. Unfortunately her Dad died just over a year ago and she is still stuggling with this too.
We had been seperated for several years with weekend contact on alternate weekends.
My GP thinks, the problem is most likely the usual teenage stuff, aparently there are no self help groups for teenagers!
Her guidance teacher lost a parent as a teenager and has offered to support her.
Has anyone got any ideas?
She feels that her friends are moody and see her as being wierd.

Hi Mamosa. It sounds like a hard time for the whole family. I'm not surprised dd is finding life overwhelming. I bet you all are. I'm not sure what to suggest without more info, really, but here are some thoughts I had.

Has dd moved back to living with you since her dad died? That must be one hell of an adjustment for all of you. How are you finding the leap from alternate weekends together to full-time? Do you have other children and, if so, how are they finding this transition and do they and your dd get on alright? Are lines of communication and contact with her Dad's branch of the family- eg step mum, half siblings, if there are any- still open? It's probably important for her to still feel connected to them but obviously distance and/or family conflicts can make that difficult sometimes.

Is the school a new one because she's moved or one that she's attended since age 11? Are the staff supportive and do they know that she may need extra support because of her bereavement and the changes she is negotiating because of that- sounds like the guidance teacher does, anyway. Does she have girl friends outside school who she feels more in tune with? Is she ready to branch out at the moment? There are probably activities and youth clubs for her age group that could offer a different potential friendship network for her. It might be worth thinking about her moving classes or even schools if she wants to and if there's any choice. I guess she's probably been through enough change for the moment though.

I suppose your dd's bound to be finding this a strange and saddening time and it's working out whether she needs extra help to come to terms with what's happened that is a priority.

You could try contacting Young Minds for more support. The website is here and their information line for parents is 0800 018 2138. They are a pretty good organisation, I think.

HTH. please ignore anything here that isn't helpful- I'm just trying to think round what you've said, so some of it might be completely irrelevant.

Thank you Scummymummy,
You were very helpful indeed. Both myself and my DD looked at the young minds website where there is lots of information for 'young minds'. I will order some of their booklets for her School.

Sorry, I never explained our situation very well. I have been alone with my DD since she was a baby. Life in the eraly days was very difficult with no contact from her Dad. She was 8 before they has contact and this was only fortnightly. He had a new family and with the introduction of a new sister caused lots of problems. We used family mediation, a service of which I can not speak highly enough of.
The last 6 months of his life the contact was less frequent ue to his illness.
Things have always been difficult between myself and his current wife. Contact with the family in general has been minimal. I feel I can not push my DD onto a grieving woman. I have been on my own for such a long time, she is just getting used to the lonliness. They loved each other very much.
My DD has got interests outside school but no friends that she sees outside school, I am not really sure why. She says it is because they live at the other end of the town, but as she is 13 now, this should not be a problem getting around to her friends houses.

Most of your advice was also the advice given on young minds. Many thanks again.

I suffered from depression from 11-about 16, so I know what you and your dd are going through. I got in touch with the depression alliance - I'm sorry I don't have any contact details. I was alloted one person who I could talk/write to(a previous sufferer) and work through my feelings and that helped.

Not sure what more I can say, but if there's anything I can do, anything you want to ask then I'm here. Best wishes xxx

Thank you Anais,
I will keep this in mind if things are still difficult over the next few weeks.
Thank you for your best wishes.

I remember being very sad and feeling isolated at yr dd's age, partly due to the terrible levels of conflict between my parents and never had friends round and hardly saw any, which was hard and lonely. I think her guidance teacher sounds immensely kind and helpful. Is your dd missing her sibling? Can you talk her her in a very 'open' way - ie not telling her how to feel but letting her express how she feels (this is not meant critically). I agree with ScummyMummy - I wish my mother had pushed me a little more into a different social network - a more 'bohemiam' one, if you like. Maybe a drama class/french class/chess club/ or art? At that age I got a lot of self esteem through helping others (I worked with children at a children's home). Is there anything similar your dd could do? Eg helping at a nursery, befriending others, distributing stuff to the elderly/homeless. I felt much better for doing this sort of thing. Ignore your GP, she will need a lot of support and love (which I can tell from your post you will be wonderful at giving) and a little push from you to get out there and be with other people who appreciate her. Maybe you could write a letter to your ex's wife, suggesting some kind of framework in which the siblings could have contact. This might be bothering her more than she cares to admit in case of upsetting you. She sounds very sensitive. Include her in all your plans, but don't take all of her objections to heart. If she's anything like I was at that age, she'll say 'no,no, no! That's so embarrassing, but really want you to do in anyway.' I wish you all well in these difficult times. I really identify with your dd and would love to help!

Mamosa, just a thought, but the only other person who truly understands what your dd is going through may be her sibling as they've both lost their father. How old is dd's sister? Could she and your dd meet up? If she's much younger maybe it's unrealistic. I really feel for you and your daughter but don't have any wise words I'm afraid. I hope someone else can be more help. I remember finding early teens hard too, not suggesting it was the same but...maybe it's a trivial suggestion but could you suggest inviting someone she likes from school to tea or to the cinema with you both or something to forge some links?

Hello mamosa, I dont really have any ideas but I wanted to say I'm sorry about the loss of your childs father. I know exactly how she is probally feeling at least about that. I too lost my dad when I was 10 and it was hard. A tramatic thing like that can really affect all areas of a childs life. I wish her the best.

Dear Mums,
I am touched by all your kind thoughts and suggestions. I will discuss your suggestions with her.
WWW is spot on the two of these girls have lost their Dad, I never really thought of this from that prespective. Especially when I am blinkered about difficult feelings, obstacles to communicating with her sisters mum. She has a little brother too who is only 3.

I really think Aloha's idea of encouraging her to help others will make her feel better about herself.She already has guides, afterschool music and Art class, plus swimming, However she still feels desperatley loney and sad at times.

Threeangels, even by telling my DD that you got through it but it was hard will help her, thank you

I think a key ingredient that she is missing appart from her dad is a close friend. Possibly by encouraging her she will have more confidence to find and develop a close friendship.

Many thanks for your kind thoughts and tips. I will let you know how she is doing

Believe me, I do understand about the difficulties in communication. My dh's ex hates me (I had nothing to do with their relationship breaking up and came along years later, but she loathes us both) so if anything happened to my dh, it would be so hard to keep contact between my ds and his sister (who lives with her mother), and I sometimes do worry about this. However, I think if something happened to him I'd have to bite the bullet and try to set up some kind of regular contact that was as informal as possible. I wish you well with this.

Surely there are other bright girls in her year if not in her class - could you not encourage friendships with them - maybe invite a couple of girls to the cinema or a makeover afternoon. I think the idea of a drama class is an excellent one is you can find one locally - sounds as if she could do with a bit of help being assertive - to allow herself to approach potential friends etc. and I think drama would be a good way to do that. In the meantime it sounds to me that she has an excellent best friend already - you!! Could you take up a hobby together - maybe go horseriding or swimming together.

Mamosa, maybe also your dh's parents, if they are still alive, might also be able to talk to your dd. Being 13 and really bright is enough to cope with, without suffering a bereavement too.
I can vouch very much for drama (which even when not intended that way is powerfully therapeutic for anxious teenagers). Youth theatre changed my life - it was OK to be quick to understand there - and it also helped me see boys as friends for the first time. Thinking of you both. And your silly GP is very wrong to say there is nothing available for teens.

Mamosa, I'll also second youth theatre. It worked wonders for my eldest son. It was the only activity he did, apart from school, for three years. The rest of the time he festered in his bedroom. Then suddenly one day he blossomed like a butterfly and we hardly recognised him. The Duke of Edinburgh Award scheme is also good for socialising although I forget how old you have to be.

Of course, he wasn't dealing with bereavement at the same time but I think it's fair to say that there will lots of other children your dd's age who, although they don't show it, feel alienated, that they don't fit, lots of angst, because that is part of being a teenager. Your dd has extra things to cope with on top of that, but believe me, you are not alone. There's even been recent research to show that teenagers brains go through such growth between 12yrs and 18 that it could be regarded as normal to be moody, unhappy and all the other teenagerish attributes. The guidance teacher sounds lovely and your GP sounds.....well, let's not go there. But if you think your dd is suffering from clinical depression do seek help from another GP, because it does exist in teenagers and it can be treated. Best wishes to you both.

Suedonim - this is totally off the thread but did you see my message to you on the student fees thread? There was a huge misunderstanding that I didn't see because I didn't go back to the thread until today, and I wanted you to see that what I wrote had nothing to do with you, didn't refer to you at all and it never even crossed my mind to criticise you at all (in fact, I still don't understand what I was supposed to be criticising you for!). Just wanted to make sure you knew.

The Duke of Edinburgh Award Scheme sounds a v good idea, esp as it does involve an element of helping others.

I had a friend at school who was on medication for depression,we were 13/14 at the time.So she is not alone feeling as she does.Does she like animals?Maybe she would like to help at an animal sanctuary or something or some local riding stables and make some friends through that,just a thought.Could you buy her a diary to help her write down some thoughts or get her a book on poetry.Perhaps she'd like to express herself somehow and try writing some.Sorry if these are obvious or she already does.Another idea is has she got a pet at all.Having a pet is lovely and also a good talking point for her friends.Also agree with all the other good advice about getting her in touch with her sister.HTH.

Thank you all,

Once again I am in your debt, with wonderful practical ideas. I think as so many of you recommend it, that we will look around for a youth drama club. The idea of a diary is a great one, I think a special early Christmas present. My dd would also love to have a cat but I feel as we are both out of the house all day for long hours, this would be unfair to a cat. We have had fish and hamsters which allended in tears.

I spoke to a friend at work about the young minds web page and to my astonishment she told me that there was a local group which met in a nearby town.

We do talk about lots of things butI think that sometimes you need either your peers or just other kids who have found themselves in similar circumstances to talk to.

One of the most reassuring aspects of the Mumsnet, is that this is not uncommon and you have all found or suggested practical ways of helping.

Cheers

NSPCC have a very good website called there4me.com where young people can access a counsellor on-line, real time. I am a youth worker and tested it out one day and was very impressed by the quality of advice available. So is worth recommending to your child as it has that anonymity that young people sometimes need in order to offload how they are feeling

Mamosa, on the cat front, you could consider two (siblings from an animal shelter maybe?). They can keep each other company. Dh and I both work outside the home and are already being asked by ds (three...) if he can have a cat AND a dog. We decided that the best compromise would be to have two cats. Provided they have access to warm, sheltered accommodation and adequate food and drink, a lot of cats are actually rather happy to have the place to themselves for the day. It's dogs who usually need human company - plus the exercise.
Great news about the local Young Minds group, I hope it works out for you both. And do pass on that info to your GP...