Losing friends once cancer diagnosed

[bertiesgal]

I am in remission from a blood cancer. I was diagnosed this time last year so it’s a bit of an emotive time. Something I’ve reflected on since this all started is how phenomenal some friends are. I cannot believe how many wonderful humans I’m surrounded by and I’m so grateful.

However, I’ve also been shocked by a few people dropping me like a stone. There have been a few cases but two really stick out.

1. I have a close relative who is acopic and suffers from migratory chronic pain, the underlying cause remains undiagnosed and their symptoms/ clinical
   signs are often inconsistent. This relative texted at the beginning to say that my diagnosis was all too much for them and that they’d see me when it was over. I texted to let them know I was in remission and that I was trying to get active again and I hoped their pain was settling/ maybe we could get stronger together. They accused me of interfering in their health and have blocked me on WhatsApp etc. They have completely cut off my entire family and have told other relatives that they want nothing to do with us. I know it sounds like I’m drip feeding or leaving out part of the story but they have form
   for being self centred/ difficult and have cut off family members before for
   no discernible reason. I just didn’t think that in my case it would be me being diagnosed with cancer that would be the straw that broke the camel’s back and I can’t pretend it doesn’t hurt at an already difficult time.

2. An in law I’ve known for 20
   years and who has been in and out of my house over the years (many lovely nights and holidays shared) sent a really insensitive text at the time of my diagnosis then completely disappeared from my
   life. They had always had a bit of a hard side but I didn’t expect this.

Has anyone else experienced anything like this when facing a life changing diagnosis?

I know it must seem like I’m a problematic character but the vast majority of people
have been absolutely wonderful
and have carried us through this. Their love and support is like liquid gold and I feel so lucky to be surrounded by so many good souls.

I’m just shocked that the folk in example
1 and 2 have been so disappointing and cruel.

Wondering if I’m unique to me or if it’s a common outcome when cancer happens? You really do find out who your friends are when the chips are down.

I had this when my dad died.

Its about them.

All the best @bertiesgal x

I had this with some friends and mainly my mum, didn’t ever come to appointments with me kind of just left me to it and buried her head in the sand so that she didn’t have to deal with it.
My mum has since been diagnosed with a cancer herself that she is in recovery from and I done a lot of the running around, taking her to appointments etc but found it quite hard as she had left me to do most of my stuff alone.
Cancer does strange things to some people!

Unfortunately yes. It really surprised me as I have a condition that is very serious (not cancer although I have had surgery for that too) and each time I have had unexpected major surgery I have had very insensitive comments including once a friend who was a nurse slammed front my door when I told her but before that she shouted 'don't expect me to give you a lift or visit you' - I never heard from her again. My in-laws were embarrassed about my condition and told me not to tell anyone. Plus a close family member told me how much I was ruining her life!

I decided that each of these probably had difficulty dealing with illness and their own mortality? When my MIL had cancer she wouldn't let me tell her close family but I could tell them she had heart problems (which she didn't have)... I think you need to protect yourself from other people's own issues - not easy when before we got married my MIL told me my health would ruin her son's life! So I should split up with him. I had by then nursed him through life changing injuries following an accident etc...

Good luck

I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. I have cancer, and yes this, in spades. It’s about them though, not you. I know it’s hurtful nevertheless but try to remember that. Your relatives / ‘friends’ clearly have issues and honestly aren’t you better off with those sort of people in your life? And focus on the people that were actually there for you?

Many people just can’t handle cancer and many people won’t understand. I don’t want to be around anyone or in contact with anyone apart from my family and one or two close friends anyway as I feel so vulnerable.

When she finally visited after 4 years of absence my MIL claimed not to know my cancer was incurable and that I was going to die from it. She said my DH never told her that — which was an outright lie. My therapist pointed out that it wasn’t convenient for her for me to have cancer — she couldn’t moan so much about her own life and non-existent health problems. That was absolutely spot-on. She had refused to engage with it because it was not convenient for her to. I had another person I was firm and fast friends with but when it came down to it she couldn’t grasp it either or chose not to — she wanted things to be like they always were with our only topics of concern redecorating her house and our children. I just can’t engage in that superficial bullshit anymore, so it goes both ways with me.

My advice is make the most of your new life in remission and only be around people who bring you joy!

I found this when I was diagnosed 10 years ago, I found people who I was sure would be there for me, just disappeared and some unexpected people who were amazing. The old adage, 'you find out who your true friends are' is so true.

As pp have said, it's not about you - the word Cancer is really scary and means so many things to people.

It did really upset me at the time. I did also have a rye smile when one I was 'better' the way people reappeared out of the woodwork and seemed surprised that I wasn't rushing to see them!

I am sorry to hear about your diagnosis, but glad to hear you are in remission. The examples you gave say everything about them, and nothing about you. There is another thread describing how hurtful it is when bereavement has that effect on friends or family. I hadn’t realised how common it is until I read the comments on that thread. Focusing on the people who have remained there for you and jettisoning those who haven’t is all you can do really. People can be cr*p but best to know.

Firstly, great that you are in remission from your blood cancer. I’ve been diagnosed with blood cancer also this year and I agree with others that people’s reactions tell you much more about them. Mine is chronic and main symptom is fatigue.
Fortunately I’ve not had any experience of some of the ones above but I have learnt that I only have a certain amount of energy and I can’t afford to spend that worrying about other people.
I appreciate that some people just don’t know how to respond, sometimes it impacts them as they’ve seen people’s and families ripped apart by it, some people say the wrong thing but from a place of well meaning, but I expect other people can just be idiots and I’d waste no more of that precious energy on them.

Thanks for all the lovely replies and best wishes to everyone affected by illness or loss. A friend who had been through similar (and has been an incredible support) did warn me that by the end of my treatment I’d have lost some friendships. I didn’t really believe her at the time but she was spot on. My focus is on my on-going recovery and on the many ridiculously wonderful people I’m lucky enough to have in my life. Also, fuck cancer! 😬