72yo DM becoming blunt & abrasive

[Janella]

My DM is 72 and has over the past 5 years slowly become more and more blunt in how she speaks to people, and especially me.

Little digs, rude comments about my appearance or weight or life choices seem to come uninvited and unwanted! She's always had to bite her tongue for risk of offending people but it feels like she just can't manage it anymore. She'll criticise me, my sister, my dad, the little insults just fall out of her mouth.

I mostly don't respond to the comments (even though they hurt) but I worry lately this sets an example for my own DD about being a doormat. But the odd time I've tried to point out to DM her words are hurtful she dismisses me as insensitive, I can't win! We have a summer holiday booked with her and DF and I'm stressed about being cooped up for a week with dig dig dig going on.

Maybe it's an age thing? Anyone else have this? Any tips for surviving this bluntness gratefully received.

Annalisa Barbieri has a podcast with a good episode on talking to older (not demented) people. It's interesting and made me really think.

My DM has always been like this. It's tiring and destructive.

Don't want to worry you OP, but this type of thing can be an early sign of dementia

"Did you mean to be so rude?" With a stare usually works.
Daunt definitely got a lot worse with harsh unfiltered comments around the same age and looking back we think it might have been the start of her dementia (diagnosed 3 years later). If your DM persists maybe point out to her that you're concerned about her health and would she like you to book her a doc appointment?

I wouldn't book holidays with them, or indeed any extended blocks of time together, and I would be ready to say "Okay, well it's time for us to hit the road, see you next week!" when the rudeness starts.

Maybe it's the start of a process of cognitive decline, or maybe it's just her true personality emerging now that she's old and tired and can't be bothered to appear pleasant anymore. Mumsnet is full of people saying "as I get older I've stopped people pleasing and it's great!" When you think about it, the authentic personalities of those people who have freed themselves of the shackles of social expectations won't always be likeable.

She's your mother so I wouldn't pick a fight, but you can step away when she's being an arse.

Thank you all, these comments are helpful. I'll look up the podcast and give that a listen - thanks.

I do wonder about cognitive decline sometimes, she is subtlety not as sharp as she once was in some ways. Her current behaviour seems a bit mood dependent...I'm not sure. Sometimes she's nice the whole time and I find myself breathing a sigh of relief like I hasn't noticed how wound up I'd gotten just anticipating her mood.

@TheYearOfSmallThings

The holiday is partly to celebrate my dad's birthday, this is where it gets tricky because to withdraw more from her means he also suffers by not seeing us/the grandkids. I think he already cops for a fair bit of these comments but he's very loyal and wouldn't tell me even if I asked.

I agree about not having to be as nicey nicey as you get older! It's sad that this might be true and the real version of DM is one who doesn't really like a lot of people including her own DD!

This is how it started with my mother, we went on holiday and she was so awful that I had to leave early. I didn't really speak to her much after that, I've since found out she had a dementia diagnosis before the holiday and didn't tell anyone! This was years ago.
She's now in a care home.

I'd start talking to her about next steps and POA.

No doubt too late to back out of the holiday but don’t arrange any in future.

Every time she’s rude/blunt: “That’s not very nice mum.” “Don’t talk to me like that please mum.” And move away from her to another room/busy yourself.

I think POA is something they'd been looking at anyway but maybe it's time to remind them about this.

Going to think about trying to draw boundaries with her. I can do this with other people but it's hard with her, she doesn't adhere to a boundary when I put one eg she'll take the mick out of my attempt. Everything has an "only kidding" comment tagged on to it.

Thinking more broadly she stopped reading a couple of years ago, used to be a bookworm but now prefers TV, and she gave up her voluntary job 6 months ago, I think bc she couldn't keep up but she said the younger volunteers were slap-dash with the rules (both might be true).

@areyouhavinglaugh sorry about your mum. Did she tell you why she didn't share her diagnosis at the time? X

My mother became like this for the last 10 years of her life, she died at 93 and didn’t have dementia, just a little forgetful and very deaf.
For someone who always said ‘if you can’t say anything nice then don’t say anything’ she was bitingly spiteful to me (but not my sisters).
It got to the point that I wouldn’t visit unless DH came too; then she’d be marginally less unpleasant.
It’s horrible. I hated visiting and my father would sit there and say nothing; I suspect she fully understood how nasty she was being.

My father got like this in his mid 70s.
In fact he was downright rude and I told him so.
Sadly we didn't realise at the time but this was the start of vascular dementia for him.😪

@Janella
Thank you, but she wasn't the best mum in the world to start with 😬 so it's difficult to say why she didn't tell me. I had talked to her about it, and talked about POA (only child). She was always a bit off about me being right or concerned. Who knows why she didn't say anything. I like to think she was a saint and didn't want me to be responsible for her, but in truth it was probably spite.
No POA was really difficult to deal with getting her In a home, care etc as I had no say! She's now miles away in a home we can't visit as it's too far away. Heartbreaking all round!

Also my mum read 4/5 books a week and stopped too!
It was vascular dementia she had many many mini strokes.

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this.

I'd actually tackle this head on.

Take her for a walk, just her and you and call her out on her behaviour. She won't expect you to do it and say that you're not going to expose your children to hearing their granny berate their mother. That's not how things go now. She must mind her manners and set a better example on the holiday than what she is doing.
While it might be the start of vascular dementia or something, it also might be her thinking 'fuck it - I've had to stay quiet on so much for so long so now it's my time to speak'.

You could also just say every so often "Well mum, you're being a nasty bitch again.....only kidding" so that she knows you're not going to put up with it any more. If she can be blunt with an 'only kidding' at the end, so can you.

Thanks @LookItsMeAgain
I think you're right and I do need to find a way to tackle this. A talk upfront would be a good way, but... she's bound to take it badly, then get upset, then it's all my fault again. Argh. I can see logically that I need to have this out.

Maybe I should do it after the holiday when there will (probably) be more recent examples to use.

@Janella - if she takes it badly, she takes it badly but you don't have to waver in your resolve to be treated better.
Next time she's rude to you, say "Mum, you're being rude to me now. I've asked you to be polite but you're not, so we're going to go" and then leave. Don't hang around for more of the same. It might take a bit of time but hopefully not too long before she stops being rude.
You can get her medically checked out (if you can) in the meantime to rule out a medical reason for her rudeness.

I have adhd, which the more I watch the older people around me decline, the more I understand what's going on with both them and me. My Mil is completely demented now, so it's getting even more obvious than just normal cognitive decline.

If she has some cognitive decline, her ability to manage things like her executive control declines and so her filter will be less effective, especially if she is tired, in a different routine or is hungry, etc. She might just be trying to provoke a fight, as that increases dopamine, too?

A holiday may well be a challenge all round. You really don't have to have it out with her, just pull her up if she's being rude, or dodge her or play mental bingo with phrases. Take a step back and look for patterns.

Change the subject, provide a distraction or plain ignore the comments but don't seethe in silence.

Thank you for this. It's good to hear other perspectives.

I don't know if my DM is having a decline, it's just a theory I'm open to. She's always been direct and has a very different communication style to mine.

I think you're right though, a change of circs may well increase her stress and make her worse so i will be mindful of that.

My mother started to show a nasty streak a couple of years ago - pretty much exclusively to me. I think it was a little bit of cognitive decline and frustration at her declining health.

I would encourage your parents to get their affairs in order in case it is dementia. Vascular dementia causes people to become disinhibited so they will say and do things that they wouldn’t have done previously. My friend’s mum had Alzheimers and one of the early signs was her picking fights with her kids for no reason. She had more of a gradual decline as opposed to vascular dementia where there can be sudden drops in cognition or increases of difficult behaviour due to the mini strokes.

If you can manage it try to keep an open mind that it might be a medical condition. The holiday will be a good opportunity to monitor her a bit more closely. Being sarcastic etc will not be helpful if someone has dementia, it will just confuse and upset them and they’ll be more likely to lash out. You don’t have to be a verbal punching bag but just consider what could be causing it. All the best.

Sounds like my MIL but she’s in her late 80s. It could be cognitive decline/early signs of dementia or could be just getting old and not giving a shit! DH has certainly told her not to say certain things as they can be upsetting for the grandchildren (who are all young adults but also sensitive) and she can reign it in so not sure whether it’s conscious or not!).
She’ll phrase things like ‘I have to say this…’ or sometimes she’ll just be blunt out of nowhere.

Throw a question back at her when she says negative things to you "how do you expect me to respond to that?" Look at her, keep quiet (no facial expression and count to 5) and await her response, do not say anything and walk away, even if momentarily to allow her to think on what was said.
Research other coping strategies for whilst you are away, you'll feel calmer because you have planned responses, practice in front of mirror if necessary.

Thank you for the podcast recommendations.. have just downloaded.

OP you have some great advice here … hold onto yourself and keep your own boundaries!

It's actually older difficult people for the podcast, I forgot a word.. 😊

Interestingly, my Mil who is totally demented now is much easier to deal with as she isn't as buttoned up as she used to be but she also says no very clearly indeed.