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General health

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Original poster

Cancer has now spread to his bones.

18 replies

madmommy6 · 24/02/2008 12:04

Dh friend C had results from bone scan on friday.The cancer has now spread to his bones.He has now been told he will not beat this horrible illness,but he hasn't given up yet.He will have another 4 chemo treatments and then see how he is.Not sure if he will keep getting treatment,but his wife seems to think he will.
Their grown up children are still not doing anything to help.So dh is doing all the hospital runs and taking L shopping ect.
Dh is being really good and isn't moaning about it,but he is running around like a headless chicken.I just wish there was something more we could do to help.

OP posts:

mymama · 24/02/2008 12:25

very .

Sounds like you and your dh are helping a lot. Sometimes hard to know what to do in these situations.

Grown up children sound selfish or not able to cope.

Even though bone cancer is not curable there are cases where people live with it for years.

Original poster

madmommy6 · 24/02/2008 13:19

The bone cancer is secondary cancer.He found out last summer that he had mouth cancer.
I'm finding it hard not to say something to the children.I know that isn't down to me.

OP posts:

BreeVanDerCampLGJ · 24/02/2008 13:21

Say nothing to the children it is not your place, the parents may possibly be trying to shield them for as long as possible.

Blandmum · 24/02/2008 13:24

Treatment can be continued, even with a terminal diagnosis as it may still extend life, and reduce symptoms (this is happeneing with my dh). There will come a time when they decide that the side effects of the treatment outweigh the value of the treatment.

The very best advice that I can give to you to pass on to your friend is to get the local Macmillan nurses involved in his care as soon as possible.

Good palliative care not only gives the patient a better quality of life, but al;so extends life

Original poster

madmommy6 · 24/02/2008 15:15

BVDC I know its not my place to tell the children,but they are really not helping at all.
The youngest left home a couple of weeks ago,leaving his 18mth old staff dog.C and L told him they couldn't cope with him ect.So their ds rehomed him because he couldn't have him living with him.Then their dd saw the dog and said he wasn't being looked after.So now they have said they are getting the dog back and C and L will have to keep him.
That is just one of a long list of things they are doing.
L is disable herself so there is no way she could look after the dog,she is finding it hard enough looking after herself and C.

mb sorry to hear about your dh and thanks for the info.
The Macmillan nurses have been in a couple of times.They also have a nurse come in to clean his line.But i don't think they let on how much help they need.The MN agreed to would be better to get rid of the dog too.

OP posts:

Blandmum · 24/02/2008 15:19

They must get the help that they need.

This whole buisness is hard enough to deal with as it is, not being supported will only make it worse.

The key to 'coping' with this situation is the
a. Be supported as a family
b. To get all symptoms under control ASAP, and it is far easier to keep symproms under control than it is to get them under control
c. There are no medals for 'puuting up' with pain, or sickness, there is no benefit in being stoical.

The better they are supported the better the life for your dh's friend, and the better the memories that the rest of the family will have.

Mac nurses can be central to all of this

Original poster

madmommy6 · 24/02/2008 15:29

That's one thing i'm worried about.The memories that the rest of the family will have.I think they will be so sorry that they didn't spend more time together.They really aren't spending anytime with their dad at all.I think they pop in for half hour or so each week.I'm not sure how much they know,or choosing to know.iykwim

OP posts:

Heated · 24/02/2008 15:55

Sometimes ppl with relatives who are dying can't/won't face up to it, it's too frightening. They're trying to protect themselves from too much hurt and distance themselves emotionally. I know because this is what I did as a teen when my mother was dying. It is something they may regret when older. Gently encouraging them to make sure they have no regrets later is probably the most you can do.

mommy6 · 31/03/2008 09:52

C past away yesterday afternoon,after going for a walk.The one thing he missed was being able to go for a walk.Then yesterday morning it was sunny and warm, so he walked down the road by himself for the first time in months.

He wife L phoned me in a panic.I got there has fast has i could,but it was to late.
I rang their dd's and ds to come home.
They couldn't understand why their had gone,because they were unaware he was so ill.

I feel so sad C has gone.But glad his last few weeks were happy.We took him to afew places he always wanted to go.
I feel abit lost.I know i have got to stand back and let his family do things now.But dh and i were the only ones there for C and L through this.Dh took him to his hospital appointments and we both took them shopping.Dh was going up on the night time to be with them.

mommy6 · 31/03/2008 09:53

I'm madmommy6 but can't sign in with that name.

Buda · 31/03/2008 09:57

I am so sorry. You were such good friends to him.

mommy6 · 31/03/2008 10:06

Thank you Buda for your kind words.
I just wish we could have done more.

snowleopard · 31/03/2008 10:12

So sorry to hear your news mm6.

It sounds as if he really wanted to enjoy that walk - and the sun and warmth came in time for him to have a peaceful and happy last day and enjoy the spring. And you sound as if you and your DH have ben a pillar of strength for your friends. And you can still be there for L which I'm sure she will need.

paddingtonbear1 · 31/03/2008 10:17

I am so sorry to hear this.
It sounds like you did all you could, you were such good friends to him. His children were perhaps a bit in denial. Please take comfort from the fact that you helped to make his final weeks happier.

Christie · 31/03/2008 10:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

burstingbug · 31/03/2008 10:31

You & DH have been a tower of strength and a tremendous support to L & C. You are wonderful friends.
Wishing you all strength and peace at this sad time.

mommy6 · 31/03/2008 11:16

Thank you all for your kind words.Dh and i just did what friends do, and we will still do for L now.
I say things on here which i can't in RL so it is a comfort.

mommy6 · 02/04/2008 09:43

I can't believe this.L's dd phoned the council yesterday to tell them C had past away.They are going to visit her to see if she can carry on living in the house.She has lived there for 30yrs and now they are saying she might have to move out.
Surely they can't do that.

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