i wanted a baby but now im pregnant, i dont. think i can do it

[smartiesforbreakfast]

hi everyone
i have 2 kids - boy and girl age 6 and 4.
the boy age 6 is very difficult, means well and obviously in my eyes a gorgous boy but he has always been very hard work: bad at sleeping; always told he doesnt listen at school can't focus etc im constantly getting calls - once he hit another child. my 4 year old is also full on high energy (other parents say this - not just me!) but i adore motherhood and adore them. But, I also work full time and my husband has had to moved to scotland (we are in south of england) the last 6 months and visits us only every other weekend, so its a tough time. The plan is for us to move after my son finishes his school year this year, and join my husband.

i wanted a third for ages, and my husband was not wanting one. I nagged him about it, always telling him the reasons why it was a good idea. when my bestfriends all fell pregnant i was upset and kept wishing to have a third. So my husband finally agreed he would like a bigger family and be up for trying for a third. i am 39 and NEVER wanted a baby at 40 but decided i would rather try than not and im older so who knows. We started trying 6 months ago. I fell pregnant immediately with my other two, but this time it didnt happen. i got a bit upset, but each time said. ok one more month lets try again. The last month, my husband and I were half hearted. but thought as he has now gone away for a whole 6 weeks, best to try. anyway, i am pregnant. I think around 4-5 weeks.

in this time: my son has been really difficult, daily calls rom the school. My husbands job is suddenly going really badly, and my job is so hard im finding i work every night after i put the kids down, and never see any friends because im too tired or work on the weekends.

Now im regretting this. I feel so embarrassed to write this - i dont know, even after doing temping and ovulation sticks and multi vitamins, i dont know if i can have a third and im thinking about a termination.

the reasons... (a) money (b) time with my little ones is increasingly small at the moment (c) my quality of life - its tough ... working round the clock. having another would put me under pressure to work longer hours again. (d) am i too old ? id be 50 when the baby is 10? and (e) i keep thinking stupid things like: why? you have a healthy boy and girl. you should invest in them.

2 other close friends are pregnant and would have their baby around the same time as me. so i keep trying to work out - if i did terminate, how would i feel seeing their babies? would i feel so sad i had done it?
i struggle to make any decisions anyway, so i cnt tell if i am just talking myself out of it?

i was thinking i could get a scan and see if its even viable (ive had a few miscarriages) and see if it sinks in either way? but then could that make it really hard to terminate? I definitely wouldnt want it to be anything medical.

please help!! i really feel so lost and stuck. husband is saying he will support me what I decide. i know how awful i sound - i really wanted a baby i really really did. but now im here, i feel exhausted, and pulled around by my other 2, and i dont want to make my entire life a really tough slog working late into the night for another few decades to pay off another child. by the way, i factored this all in 7 months ago when we decided to try- and i still was saying to myself things like: you dont need loads; i will always work anyway because its too much of a sacrifice to give up my entire salary; im one of 4 and love a busy household; i dont want "simple" i love the chaos.

now this has happened, all i can think of is: i want calm and predictability in my life and the opportunity not to work flat out. WHY is my mind confusing me?

any tips for things to consider in making this decision and how? i am away with work next week for 3 days so if i went for a scan i would need to do it probably saturday or maybe friday afternoon next week. if i then wanted to terminate (would it be harder after a scan- what if there is a heart beat)? then i guess i need to do it before7 or 8 weeks?
i think i am 18 dpo, and clearblue digital says 2-3 weeks. thank you

Yes you can do this.
Remember, motherhood isn't only about YOU.

💐 Best wishes whatever you decide Op, it sounds like you are having a stressful time. It’s a personal choice, and only you know what impact this will have for you and your family

Aww, hugs. What a difficult, emotional space to find yourself in - I'm glad your husband is behind you.

Look, life happens and if you suddenly feel like you can't keep this pregnancy, it's okay not to. Anything you decide within the confines of the law, please do so freely without shame or judgement. Your priority right now is yourself and your already existing family - just make sure you have a bit of time to calm and make sure it's what you want - you're under stress so it's better to rest a few days before deciding - technically the earlier it is, the safer but a few day's isn't much harm.

You really sound like you wanted this child though, and are a bit overwhelmed? Are there any adjustments that could assist with calming you?
Also, good that your husband has your back. x

I think your life sounds hard and complicated at the moment and whilst this will improve in some ways, you're going to be parenting a high needs child (DS) for the next 12+ years and you have another child to parent as well - having a third seems like a bit of a mad decision to me, but you did make the decision so what's really changed? There's no shame in terminating if you don't want to parent a third child, so make the decision with your logical head not your heart which seems to be what led you to get pregnant in the first place?

Thank you everyone. Really kind of you to take the time

Would it be dangerous if I gave myself time and terminated in 2 weeks if I got to that decision?

I always wanted 3 and still do
But with all of that is going on, I started to worry these last few weeks
Like... we both work full time- and need to. How will this impact the time I can give to both I have already?
I find work exhausting and have nothing left for myself (like eating badly, not caring for myself because I'm either kids or work as priorities, so all the things I used to love even exercise I can't do any more).
I realised it maybe would be a tough life- if I had the third. And then I got pregnant
Before I tried. Things were easier at work and everything else
My son wasn't being so difficult (now they think I need a psychologist assessment)

But I love children. I love my family. I don't need much in my life to make me happy. But the worry of all the above made me think I made a really bad decision and I do feel shame-because I chose this. I know life is a gift and I'm so sorry for feeling this way

Also..how do I make this decision?
Any idea?

You wanted a third. You won’t get this chance again. I’m 50 with a 6yo. She’s a smashing kid and we can’t imagine life without her. She’s my third living child. Just amazing. My middle child sounds like your eldest, he has adhd. Something to think about. Love the three of them and their different personalities, struggles and all. It’s normal to have doubts. It’s been tough for awhile but rewarding along with it

*I always wanted three and still do
*
You've written this and it's a very clear statement.
I think you need to try and make a plan to resolve the current difficulties. Hopefully, the problems are just temporary. I also think you need to try and get your 6year sleeping better as that should improve his behaviour at school. A strict into bed at 7/8pm, bath, story, lights out
Why is your husband in Scotland? Is he not able to find another one on the South Coast? I think uprooting the whole family to re-locate to Scotland would not be a good move? It could be quite isolating for you too and you'd lose your support network which is very important.
Do you have any family locally who could help out a bit more?

Perhaps consider where you will be when the baby arrives if you keep it. You say you plan to move to Scotland, is it possible that will lead to an easier life? Certainly as you are currently solo-parenting all week that seems likely. But could you cut down hours and live in a more affordable area for instance, thereby having more time and energy.

honestly there is no right or wrong here, you just have a choice to make and have to decide what is right for you and your family.

they will scan the baby at the abortion clinic prior to getting you to make a decision about aborting or not, in order to check the number of weeks, viability etc. so if you want to speak to a clinic then you could and you would get a scan too (not pictures or anything like a private scan but you would have the knowledge you want) and could talk to someone. You don’t have to book an abortion on the same day either so could go and take some time to think on it then go back if you decide to have an abortion.

@HerRoyalNotness

50 with a 6 year old! What a happy, late life event. :) Impossible in my family as we all have finished menapause by then, having such a young child must keep you fit and well. :)

How likely is it that the things that make life hard are temporary or longer term? Is DH work likely to continue to be bad enough that you might not move? If you do move what would you do regarding work? I imagine DH being away is a big part of why things feel overwhelming right now.

I think to help you decide you need to list all the things you'd need to change to make it work for you.

Then go down that list and see if you can change them or not.

With you both working full time is there a chance of childcare helping the situation like a nanny or family member helping?

Is your husband's job something that can change?

Could you all move to Scotland?

Good luck to you

Pregnancy can be overwhelming, not helped by hormones being all over the place. Try and talk to someone, maybe someone from BPAS www.bpas.org/ or Marie Stopes https://www.msichoices.org.uk/abortion-services/what-are-my-pregnancy-options/ - both look like they offer counselling to help you work out what you want to do (continue or terminate) and they will be able to give you a better idea of how long you have to decide. Good luck, it sounds like you're in a tough situation!

If you’re only 4-5 weeks pregnant then you could absolutely give yourself a couple of weeks to think before making a decision. It’s not dangerous to have a termination anyway and waiting till 7-8 would be fine.

I think that you are panicking which is very common. With both my kids (very very planned) I had a point post test when I thought “what the hell have I done?”

Give yourself some time, let the idea take root and see where you are in a couple of weeks. I know that terminations are easier the quicker you do them but it needs to be a choice that you are sure about. And right now I don’t think you are at that point.

wow - what wonderful people you all are!
I think there is a lot of guilt from me -I work long hours, and i have a good job that we rely on. But I feel i dont spend enough time wiht my children as a result. We dont have any family but I do have a nanny to help with after school pick up and sometimes rely on her for before school. Again I feel quite ashamed admitting this. However, with 2 children it worked out cheaper and gave us the hope for more secure future. The reason my husband went to scotland was for a promotion that would help us financially - not to the point where I dont need to work, but... to the point where it would be easier.

im also ashamed to say that pre-pregnancy when in "convince" mode i was thinking such silly things like:

• if i get maternity leave i get to be with the children for a year when my little one starts school and my 6 year old a new school (not considering yes but for the rest of their life they get less of me)

I dont know what is wrong with me! I do feel lighter thinking ihave time on my side. Its nice to have a supportive OH, but I wish also he had an opinion too as the weight of this feels quite huge. and as you say - its my last chance

I tried for five years to have my child. All the fertility treatments. I still thought ‘oh fuck’ when I was finally pregnant. In my case I think I’d got to the point where I’d had to protect myself mentally by believing it wouldn’t work and IVF being something we were doing so we had tried everything and could close the door on having children without regrets.

Do you think perhaps you’d mentally resigned yourself to it not happening so it’s all a bit of a shock?

Whatever you decide it’s really important that you’re kind to yourself. Please stop beating yourself up. And you deserve to be a priority too. Could your husband batch cook on his weekends with you and fill the freezer so you can eat well? Could a local teen babysit one evening a week so you get some time to yourself? If you miss exercising could you find an exercise you can do with the kids? (kid park run for example).

Hi @GenAndWine I think it might be that
Because I've been thinking actually how lovely it would be
and then fear gets in the way.
In any case-my clear blue digital was 2-3 weeks Tuesday and Thursday. This morning, 1-2 with FMU. Do you think I'm miscarrying?
A host of
Emotions.. like i deserve it when I'm so ungrateful and contemplating terminations
Of course now all
I can see is a perfect happy picture of 5 of us.

@smartiesforbreakfast I could write your post now!! Would love to know what you did in the end?? In same predicament now and feel awful for it.

well, that didnt work out - naturally miscarried
and then of course i wanted another one again...
i am now 18 weeks pregnant, and not regretting it. but when i found out i was pregnant with this one, i did have exactly the wobble again and doubted everything etc, especially as i then went on to have hyperemesis.
but now its more secure and im used to the reality it will actuayl happen (all going well ) im excited and all my worries of money and parenting 3 etc are completely irrelevant and just something i feel i will need to handle and deal with as it comes.
i would say go for it and back your decision. it wont ever ruin your life- there is never a "good" time to have a baby

what are your circumstances now?

@smartiesforbreakfast oh sorry for your loss and congrats on your pregnancy. Such a whirlwind of emotions for you I'm sure. Glad to hear you are content now. I'm between 6/7 weeks and utterly confused, scared and have increasing anxiety. Basically all you had in your original post is all the thoughts I'm having. Just seeing the negatives. I've a 4 and 6yr old too, so gettin to an easy stage. Thinking what have I done, which also makes me feel guilty as this was planned, so confused and scared either way.

i would give yourself a holiday from thinking about it for a few days. eg 3 days of just not thinking.
then maybe think about the positives for a day and really let yourself enjoy the positives. then try the opposite another day. so you have clarity on each.
there is no "wrong" choice here and options are always open. i guess - if it doesnt work would you end up changing your mind and wanting to try again?