Had 3rd degree tear 15 months ago...think I might be too scared to have sex...

[QuietlyConcerned]

I had a 3rd degree tear when I gave birth 15 months ago and it's taken absolutely ages to heal. I was told that breastfeeding would slow down the rate of softening of the scar tissue as it requires oestrogen for the tissue to return to normal.

My dh and I tried sex about 2 months ago and didn't manage to get it in. I had always felt that I'd been stitched up too small, so sadly I wasn't all that surprised.

I've just stopped breastfeeding and don't feel that different, though I know it takes some weeks for normal hormone levels to return. I've been reading up about other women's sex lives after 3rd degree tears and they seem to have had to endure painful sex for several months before it all settled down again. I don't know whether I'm in this category but too scared to try (my recovery was lengthy and AWFUL) or whether I really am too small. I know that if that is the case I'll have to have another op and honestly, after all the trauma I've been through I can't face that prospect.

Am I the only one who's been through this?

sorry you are feeling so stressed

are you having non-penetrative sex or have you given it up altogether?

Can you get a finger or two up there without pain? Do you use a mooncup or tampon or anythig while menstruating?

I've been OK since my 3rd degree tear 8 months ago, but a friend of mine did have to have her repair redone a few months later a number of years ago as the stitching had left a ridge of scar tissue internally.

I know it can be an embarrassing thing to discuss with your GP, but please do bite the bullet and ask for a referral back to your obstetrician / gynaecologist.

Hi morningpaper,

We had non-pen sex at 12 months...actually we were talking tonight about trying again - now that I've stopped bfing my sexual desire is returning so I'm in the mood more often even if my body is struggling!

I use tampons - though the for first three periods post birth it was agonising even getting a regular tampon up there! I've ended up using gel - I assumed that bfing made me dry, even during a period. Fingers are okay, though - less resistance than a tampon, I suppose.

Vole3 - thanks for your thoughts; I've been told by a lovely, lovely OB at the hospital that I can come back anytime if things aren't going well...what's putting me off is just the fear of having any more fiddling about with my bits (plus the fact that I was still bfing until a few weeks ago)!

(P.S I am normally a super-strong woman - gave birth with virtually no pain relief - so this kind of fear is not usual for me, in case you were wondering)

I found sex really stressful at first (had episiotomy and scar) and there were a couple of times when it seemed like it just wasn't going to fit.

I think that if you get too tense about it then your body also tenses up iykwim (and you don't get enough/any lubrication to help things along)

I think it is unlikely that you were sewed up too tight, although you can always go to your gp if things don't improve. However, imo it seems that the real prob is that you are still coming to terms with with your lengthy healing time and the trauma of birth along with the hormonal influence of bfing, which combined are making it impossible for you to relax. I would just give it more time if I were you - don't put more pressure on yourself, but do try to find time for your dh - give each other the odd massage, cuddle, try out some different types of non-penetrative sex and eventually you may start to feel relaxed enough that your body responds the right way.

Sorry that you are having stress about this - it is important in a relationship, I know, but I reckon you need to go easy on yourself with a young baby and all the pressures that that adds to life.

Sorry for waffling!

I was sewed up too tight after birth no.1. Helpful doctor told me to take paracetamol and have another baby . Having another baby has left a chasm like the channel tunnel but that's another matter.

My gynae told me that getting used to sensation in that area is the main thing in getting over the feelings of concern about tightness. So do a lot of regular non-penetrative sex and avoid penetration for now. Oral sex and gentle fingering (sorry that does not sound v. ladylike) will get you used to pleasurable sensations without plunging straight it to the hardcore action. As it were. If you can have a few weeks or months of getting that far then you might find that you are ready and more confident for more penetrative stuff.

I'd second the thought that you should see a gynae - it would put your mind at ease that there is nothing wrong, if nothing else. Good luck. x

you poor thing - I had a 3rd degree tear after DS1 and when I was healed and we first tried sex it was very painful indeed - when I told the doctor this his advice was to have a drink, use some lube and take it gently - it did hurt a bit the first few times and I think my anxiety over it made it worse but after a while it was fine again. However don't put too much pressure on yourself to hae full penetrative sex if you don't feel ready - maybe just stick with other stuff for a bit until you feelmore relaxed and it might be easier. All the best and there is hope my dear.

Thanks so much for your reassurance. I feel so abnormal and it's been such a cause of stress and upset for me for far too long now. It's incredibly reassuring to know that other women have been through the same thing and have managed to get through it, difficult though it may be.

Morningpaper - with your second birth it sounds as though you prob didn't tear, even though you've been left with an airport hangar-sized hole! That's my other concern; whether to go for an elective c-section or another vaginal birth. But I guess that's a little way ahead of where I am now...maybe I'll leave that question for another year!

Think we'll try your non-penetrative suggestions this week.

xxx

QC - I massaged my perineum with oil during my second pregnancy and I had only a very small tear which caused me no problems (baby same size) - I have also heard that incidences of tearing during waterbirth are very low so that may be something to think about - but as you say that is for another year! Best wishes.

Awww, thanks schneebly, really sweet of you to write so supportively.

xx