Childhood trauma

[Mcmuffin33]

Hi, difficult one here, so just going to dive straight in. I was sexually abused by my brother (everything apart from intercourse), think it started when I was around 9 he'd have been 11, finished when I started my periods at age 11. I still maintain a relationship with him on a "normal" level. Both parents found out at the time although they didn't know the other one knew until we were adults.
When I was around 13 my Dad started, it was like he was playing a game, chasing me and pulling my trousers down. He'd find it funny, obviously I didn't and did call him names and tell him to stop. He would masturbate behind me and I'd feel his penis on my back. If I turned around he'd go to the bathroom. Again I maintain a "normal" relationship with him. I don't understand why he did it, doesn't fit in any typical box.
I am now married have a son from a previous and 2 young daughters who I know I'm going to be very protective of as they get older.
I feel my relationship with my husband is suffering due to past trauma, he's got a stag do coming up and my head can't seem to let him go even though I know he needs to go, it's his brother getting married. He says he won't stay overnight, so he'll take the car, it's about an hour's drive away so will be gone for around 9- 10 hours. It's like he's my security blanket, which I know is unhealthy but he's the only man who's not let me down. My emotions aren't helped that I only gave birth 8 weeks ago and am feeling very vulnerable. My hairs falling out and I've got no self confidence. I can't help feeling this clinginess and being unable to form a healthy relationship has something to do with my past. Sorry for the long post, a lot going on and feeling really low. I am seeking help at the minute, but it's only just started and I want to be ok for his stag do which is next month so he can enjoy himself without having to worry about my meltdowns. Thanks

Bumped

Sorry no experience on this but can I ask why you still see the people that betrayed you so much?! That can't be helping 😕

So sorry to hear this. Have you ever had any support or therapy for what you went through?

I ask myself that question which drives me mad. I tried cutting them out, but it just left me feeling guilty. I've managed to forgive or at least I think I have, it could just be denial and me minimising it, as I have some great memories of my brother playing as kids and I've separated the 2. Same with my dad in my head it was like it was someone different to the man who took us on holiday and days out, it wasn't all bad.
I've not had any, I'm getting support for anxiety, only 1 session, it's an online group session designed to give me coping strategies. I can't help feeling my childhood is the route of the problem from what I've seen online. Thanks for replying.

You need proper counselling for sexual assault - are the police aware of the abuse?

I'm so sorry, op, I would look for support from rape crisis in your area.

What you describe isn't unusual in terms of seeing them as two different people, it's how the mind learns to cope.

Can I ask if your children have contact with these men? Any therapy you seek may involve safeguarding reports in respect of your children. Are they safe?

Yes I think I do, I thought I'd put it in it's box but I'm still living with the effects of it. I went to the police about my dad, but my dad threatened suicide and I had no support from my partner at the time and my mum didn't believe it as my dad convinced her it didn't happen. He even convinced me it didn't happen when I had to move back home after leaving abusive partner but that's another story. I got back in touch with old school friends who I talked to at the time who said it happened and I wasn't crazy. This was around 13 years ago. My aunties and uncles all believe I made the whole thing up. It was around 15 years ago I went to the police and I don't want to dredge it up again. My mum now believes it happened and my dad admitted it to her, although he doesn't know why. I believe he's sorry he got caught, but I don't think he'd do it again.

Thanks, and yes they do have contact but only when I'm there. I don't believe they're in dangers the ages they're at and due to the fact I dropped the charges I don't know what impact that has. It has put me on hold from seeing a counselor incase they do deem they're at risk. I need help, but I'm also afraid to access it. I wish I could cut them out, but I've not seen that side for a long time and he is great with my kids. If I thought they were in danger I wouldn't go round a couple of hours a fortnight.

Any advice on how to conquer anxiety in relationship when he goes out would be helpful. Thanks in advance

You really need some help with this, you shouldn't be dealing with this alone.

I'm currently listening to a book called The Body Keeps The Score, about how we deal with trauma.

I didn't suffer childhood abuse but the book covers it in some depth. You might find it helpful, or it might open up some things so don't necessarily take my recommendation.

However I would recommend an in person 121 therapist to help you with this.

Look after yourself

I am so sorry that you went through all this.

Your dh seems to understand/support your trauma so put that issue to the side.

You need to NEVER EVER leave any of your children alone with your father, brother or indeed your mother. You can't possibly know he or they would ever do it again. Their desires lie outside what is normal so you cannot normalise/rationalise their past actions and relay it to today. You can NEVER EVER trust either of them.

As for your mum. She may not have physically/sexually abused you but she did not protect you then or since. You cannot EVER trust her to protect your children.

I am sure you would benefit from counselling, if only to put in very strong boundaries with your family.

Your dh and your children are your family, your first and only priorities. Put them, and yourself first.

Do not underestimate the trauma. Do not underestimate what they could do to your children. Do not underestimate what they still do to you by acting like it never happened.

It did happen. It happened to you.

You are unbelievably strong to have survived such trauma. Use this strength to protect yourself and your children.

You don’t think your dad would do it again? If he was unsupervised with a young child and he knew for sure he wouldn’t be caught, then yes, he would do it again. Just like you said, he is sorry he got caught, but inside he isn’t sorry for doing it.

It’s a very fucked up family. To do this with your own child (or any child) is pure sick.
I don’t have any advice apart from cut them out. Why would you feel guilty for doing that? Do you get anything out of being in touch with them? They deny what they did to you, and the rest of them don’t believe you. Now you have a family of your own, you don’t need them.

I'm sorry you went through this. I hope you find the help you need.

I've reported your post, to ask for a trigger warning to be added

I've heard of that book on here before, I can always put it down if it gets too much. My husband tries but he's out of his depth. I've got friends who've been through similar things but I don't want to take it up for them either. 1 2 1 might help I don't need to go into specifics, I'm just scared they'll deem it unsafe with the kids. I don't want to open up a can of worms which leads to repercussions that I can't turn back.

Thanks, new to this otherwise I'd have put a trigger warning on.

I know you want advice on the anxiety but really you need to deal with the reasons for it, through therapy or other support.

Something like CBT will give you some coping strategies but ultimately you need some proper support.

In the short term, I find beta blockers help with the physical symptoms of anxiety, as do some anti-depressants. I was on sertraline for a while and my anxiety was improved.

CBT helped me to remind myself that my brain was doing that thing of catastrophising and it would pass.

But honestly, you deserve support with this. It doesn't mean cutting off you family if you don't want it to.
As our children grow, we repeat our traumas. I'm not saying you will abuse them at all, but the pain you have suffered will affect how you parent. You deserve to deal with that now with support.

It sounds like your partner is great, so you are not alone in this.

That can of worms would involve fresh eyes, neutral eyes coming at things from the perspective of keeping your children safe rather than the gaslighting fog you've grown up with.

That's not a bad thing,

Also not all therapy is talking.

A lot of trauma is physical so therapies like breathwork, EMDR or somatic therapies might work for you. It's worth looking into them.

Thanks everyone, my mum did leave my dad in the end and suffers a lot of guilt because she handled it badly. She's still in regular contact though. It's very complicated, she was a Jehovah's witness at the time it happened and they basically told her to stick with him as they were married. She spoke to a friend before I confided in her as a teenager, who told her she was being silly for thinking such things. I can't remember how much I told her at the time, it was my brother who told my mum while him and my dad were arguing. She asked if I wanted dad to leave, it was too much responsibility for 15 year old me so I let him stay. I liked the house we loved in, holidays and days out it would be gone for everyone if he left.
I don't feel strong, it's like I know what I should do, but I'm not strong enough to cut people out.

just scared they'll deem it unsafe with the kids. I don't want to open up a can of worms which leads to repercussions that I can't turn back

Im sorry but your kids are unsafe and you are knowingly putting them at risk.

Sadly the only safe place is for your kids to never have any interaction with any of them.

Im sorry - this must be very hard. But you have posted on here so must know on some level the danger is still there.

Read your posts back, OP. You don't want them in your life. You keep saying you wish you could cut them out.

Do it.

Keep your children safe from them.

Keep yourself safe from them.

It's disgusting how many people knew you were being abused and did nothing. Absolutely disgusting, I'm so sorry.